Ever After

“Oh, I like the sound of that, let’s increase the bass on this one, though,” Matt said with enthusiasm, pointing to dials.

Josh leaned forward and pushed a dial upwards before slouching back into his chair. Matt listened to the result and grinned.

“Shit, that sounds great, what do you think?” He looked expectantly at Josh, who didn’t look up from the floor.

Josh simply nodded a few times but Matt could tell he wasn’t even listening. Matt sighed and shut off the music to spin around to face his friend.

“Josh? Are you okay?” he asked.

Josh made no movement to indicate he’d even heard Matt speak his name.

Matt shook Josh’s shoulder. “Josh!”

Josh jumped a little and lifted tired eyes to Matt’s face. “What?” he asked with a little irritation in his tone.

“What’s up with you, man? You haven’t paid an ounce of attention since we got into the studio this morning. Usually you’re commanding this shit. Let me just say, if I’m in charge we aren’t going to get a very fantastic result, so…” Matt said.

Josh shrugged. “Nothing, I’m just tired.”

“You said that when you were addicted to heroin in high school. I believed you then and I quickly learned it was a mistake. So why don’t you tell me the truth, Ramsay?” Matt raised an eyebrow.

Josh sighed and there was a long pause before he finally spoke up. “Kali left me, Matt.”

Matt’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “What? You’re getting a divorce?” His voice rose through several octaves.

“No, no!” Josh shook his head. “At least, I don’t think so. She’s just staying with her parents. She’s been there for almost a week. I’ve been all by myself, and she won’t answer my texts or calls.”

“Oh, good, that’s good,” Matt heaved a sigh of relief before getting back to the matter at hand. “Alright, why don’t we start with this question: why did she leave in the first place?”

Josh played with the sleeves of his jacket and refused to make eye contact. “I screwed up,” he mumbled.

“How did you do it this time?” Matt asked.

Josh narrowed his eyes at Matt. “How sensitive of you. I just kept coming to the studio and blowing her off and I didn’t think it was as big of a deal as she was making it out to be, but it was. I forgot my responsibilities to her as her husband and a future father. I left her in the dust so I could come here and work all the time. So she decided to leave and I guess I can’t really blame her for it. But I want her back.”

Matt was silent for a moment or two before he took in a deep breath. “Josh, I’m going to say this to you because we’re friends and I feel like you deserve nothing but the brutal truth…also because you don’t learn shit if you don’t get brutal honesty. You’re a fucking idiot, man.”

Josh was dumbfounded for a moment or two. “Oh…?” he mumbled.

“If you want her back and you’re the one that fucked up, why aren’t you chasing after her? Texts and calls can be ignored but when you’re right in front of her that’s different.” Matt explained.

Josh was silent for a second. “She didn’t want me around her; I was just giving her space…”

“Yeah, while you sit at home completely miserable, correct?”

“Look, after the ass of a husband I was to her, space was the least I could give her.”

“Don’t try and reason this, Josh. Yeah, you fucked up big time and you were a gigantic prick, we all know that. But why the hell are you sitting on your ass while your wife is at her parents’ house most likely crying over you and wishing for you to tell her exactly what she wants to hear. You want Kali to be alone, pregnant and crying over you?” Matt’s voice reflected the fierce look in his eyes. Josh was one of the most difficult people to reason with and Matt knew very well that if he wasn’t harsh with him, his point would be missed entirely.

“No, of course not, I—”

“Then get out of here and go find her and apologize.” Matt pointed towards the door. “That girl is in love with you and you would be the biggest dumbass on the planet to let her slip away. Don’t be a bigger asshole than what’s necessary right now, Ramsay.”

“But, Matt, I don’t know how to—”

“Go!”

Josh blinked and got out of his chair and exited the studio. When he got out into the parking lot, he stared at his car for awhile. Instead of taking it, he decided to walk to Kali’s parents’ house. It would give him time to think and hopefully when he got there he’d have the perfect words to say to her. Or, at least he hoped he would.

He took his time crossing streets and following sidewalks, kicking pebbles as far as they could go before he lost them and watching the Vancouver life move around him. He hadn’t actually just gone outside or simply walked in a very long time. He always went on walks with Kali, but he didn’t quite have her at the moment.

Ever since Kali had gone to be with her parents for awhile, Josh hadn’t been himself. He’d sit at home with the pets, who could tell he was upset. Josh knew even they were wondering where Kali was. Occasionally Bennie would sniff at one of Kali’s jackets in the coat closet, or hop up on her side of the bed and snuggle into her pillow with a sad little whine. Even the cats would sleep on top of Kali’s shoes in the bedroom, which was something they never did before. It all made Josh feel a little more sad.

He’d barely been eating, and he certainly couldn’t focus on his work. He knew Matt was right, though. Josh had been an idiot. He’d simply let Kali walk without so much as trying to hold her back. But honestly, he was nervous to try and bring her home. He knew he’d screwed up with her and he wasn’t sure how to apologize properly. He just missed her, but he knew that wouldn’t be good enough to bring her back. He had to make some serious changes. His wife was pregnant now, for crying out loud. He needed to be with her when she needed him to be.

He took a right turn and found himself on a familiar path. A few feet away was the steep decline that lead underneath the bridge. He paused and stared hard at it. A million dark memories came flooding back to him, causing his blood to boil. Underneath that bridge was where his life had fallen apart in high school. He had shot himself up with heroin for the first time and been introduced to bulimia underneath that bridge. It represented a time where he had felt lost, alone, and desperate to get what he wanted. He kind of felt that way again as he looked at the place. He’d gotten what he had wanted all those years ago, but now he’d screwed it up. He was always screwing things up…

“What are you looking at?” A gravelly voice asked from behind Josh.

Josh turned slowly to meet the bloodshot eyes of a once-innocent teenager. The kid was tall and lanky with greasy brown hair plastered all over his face, which had scars in it from drug use. He wore a long-sleeved shirt and Josh knew why he’d be doing that in the heat of the season: he was hiding marks on his arms.

Josh was nearly knocked over with the realization that the teenager before him had once been him. It shocked him and scared him and intrigued him at the same time. He didn’t realize he was staring.

“Did you hear me, man? There’s nothing to see down there.” The kid repeated, narrowing his eyes. Josh watched his hands shake by his narrow hips.

“Is that what you tell your parents?” Josh asked, putting his own hands in his jacket pockets and eyeing the boy’s hidden arms again.

“Excuse me? What the fuck is your problem?” The kid took a “menacing” step towards Josh.

Josh smirked. “I wouldn’t try to fight me, kid. I couldn’t do that to someone half my age, and besides, you’re way too weak for that. Heroin tends to do that to you.”

The kid’s mouth dropped open and shut again as he stared blankly at Josh.

“I know exactly what goes on down there,” Josh said, looking over at the bridge again. “That place used to be my home.”

The kid didn’t say anything. He backed away a little bit but kept his eyes trained on Josh.

“Get out of it now, kid,” Josh warned, “before it’s too late. It’s a quick spiral downwards and if you don’t climb out of that hole now you’ll be dead before you’re 20.”

“You don’t know me,” the kid spat, “you don’t know what I have to go through.”

“No, but it’s the same for every addict. I don’t need to know your story to be able to tell you the truth about heroin. Quite frankly, I don’t care what you went through to resort to shooting up, because if you’re anything like me it was an idiotic answer to an easy question. Put down the needle and get the help you need.” Josh explained.

“Man, fuck you,” he said. “I have real friends who care about me down there.”

Josh laughed. “That’s what I thought, too. But they don’t care, not one bit. Life shouldn’t be a celebration of being sick, which is what they try and do down there. Life should be about simply living, and having the will to do so. …It should be about the ones you love and who love you, and who only want you to live…” Josh paused as he saw Kali in his mind. She loved him and he loved her more than anything else, and if he wasn’t with her, he wasn’t truly living.

The kid blinked and shifted uncomfortably. He pulled a hand out of one of his pockets and a half-full needle fell to the ground. He was hastily bending down to pick it up when Josh stepped on it, shattering it and causing the contents to leak over the dirty ground.

“Oh, what the fuck!” the kid yelled, staring at Josh with rage.

“Go home, kid,” Josh said firmly. “Go anywhere but here.”

The boy stared at Josh for a few minutes as if he was going to refuse and talk back, but eventually sighed and turned around, walking away from Josh and the bridge. Josh watched him go for awhile before feeling an odd sense of pride and continuing on his way. For some reason seeing the bridge where his life had fallen apart and urging someone who still had hope for a normal future away from that cleared his head and gave him the mental shake he needed. He’d come so close to losing Kali when he’d been an addict to heroin, and now he was being an addict to his work and he was losing her again.

He pulled his hands out of his pockets when he felt something in his right one. He brought out a crumpled, folded piece of paper. When he straightened out, he saw that it read in perfect cursive: Josh, just a little reminder that I love you, and I’m so incredibly proud of you. Always and forever. Xoxo, Kali.

A smile cracked his face and he took off running as fast as he could for Kali’s house. He knew he could bring her home with him. He knew she wasn’t gone, and he knew there was hope. Hope was the only thing urging him to run faster towards the only girl he had ever found himself in love with. She was the only girl he’d invested so much time in and the only girl who made him feel completely and irrevocably alive. She was his perfect porcelain, and there was no way in hell he was going to lose her.

Finally her house came into view and Josh slowed down, gasping for air. He walked up the front lawn and stared up at the balcony doors that opened to Kali’s room. He felt a staggering amount of déjà vu, looking up at those doors. The amount of times he’d snuck into her room through them was mind-blowing.

He stepped towards the door but looked up again and she was there, and he could see her but she wasn’t looking at him. His heart hammered even harder in his chest and he smiled but it quickly faded when he noticed she was crying. Crystal tears were spilling from those dark green eyes and it shattered everything inside Josh.

Josh decided to screw the formal way of entry and ran for the lattice running alongside Kali’s balcony. He’d admit that the task seemed a lot more precarious now that he was older, but he refused to let that stall him for very long. Carefully and with a sort-of thought-through pace, he climbed the lattice and pulled himself up and over the balcony railing. He took a moment to let it sink in that he’d actually climbed the thing and walked up to the glass. He tapped lightly on it twice and Kali lifted her head and jumped. He saw her lips form his name and he pointed to the doorknob with a warm smile.

Kali hesitantly came forwards and opened the door to let Josh squeeze in. Her expression was astounded and she felt like she was dreaming.

“Josh?” she asked quietly. “What are you doing here? How did you get up here?”

“I’m not totally sure how I got up here, but it doesn’t matter,” Josh smiled. “I had to come see you, Kali. It’s fucking torture being alone in that house knowing I hurt you again. This method of coming to your parents may be working for you, but it isn’t for me.”

“Josh…”

“I need to talk to you, Kali. I need to tell you how sorry I am.” Josh got down on one knee and took Kali’s hand in his own. He peered up at her. “I leave to go on tours three times every year and you’re so patient with that. The least I could do when I’m home is set aside time for you. I love you more than anything else, and I haven’t been showing that as well as I could’ve been. But please don’t doubt me. You are everything to me and I can’t go it alone, Kal.”

Kali smiled lightly. “I dreamed of you coming into my room and saying something along those lines to me last night.”

Josh kissed Kali’s fingertips and stood up, kissing her nose and forehead before bringing her into his arms. “I haven’t stopped dreaming about you since I fell for you.”

Kali wrapped her arms around Josh’s waist and nuzzled her face into his chest.

Josh looked around and chuckled gently. “This is just like old times, isn’t it?”

Kali nodded. “Ha, yeah, only now I’m 5 months pregnant, you’re my husband and we have a house of our own. And I’m sorry but I still can’t believe you managed to climb up here.”

Josh laughed. “Yeah, that surprised me, too. There was a lot of praying, which was…weird.”

The two of them simply remembered when they were younger and the times they shared for awhile without speaking. So much had changed, and it may have been for the best, but it was quickly falling apart again and Josh needed to fix it.

“One thing that hasn’t changed since then is how I love you,” he said softly. “I will always love you the same. I know this sounds pathetic, but I couldn’t stand not having you there with me. I know I’ve been screwing up and dropping the ball on a lot of things including our own child, and I’m sorry, I really am. But I need you, just like I needed you all those years ago. Please come home, Kali. Come back, because we both know this is crazy and I’m not above grovelling.”

Kali blushed and smiled before nodding. “It was stupid of me to think leaving was going to fix things. It always makes things worse. And honestly, it wasn’t working for me either. I regretted the decision the second I walked through the door. I didn’t want my mom’s food or my dad’s hugs, I just wanted you. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry. It dragged sense back into me with a little help from Matt and a kid by a bridge,” Kali titled her head at him. “Don’t worry about it. I love you. I promise I will make more time for you and I won’t blow you off. Okay?”

Kali nodded and threw her arms around Josh to kiss him. He held her to him and smiled against the lips he’d been longing for. When they finally pulled away Josh lightly pressed his palm against Kali’s expanding stomach.

“I won’t let you down again, I promise,” he whispered to it. Kali felt warmth spread throughout her chest at the sight of Josh speaking to his unborn child with such love and dedication.

Kali kissed Josh again, using a little more force and pulling him into it. Josh’s eyes were wide when she pulled away and he grinned crookedly.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“To commemorate old times,” Kali smirked. “And also because I kind of wanted to.”

“Kind of?” Josh raised an eyebrow.

Kali simply laughed, hugged her husband again and said three words to him:

“Take me home.”