Ever After

He gazed up at the white wall with eyes that burned from tears. Pain drenched his being, leaving him heavy with its weight. The clock proclaimed nonchalantly that she had been in there for seven hours. The pain and guilt seized him in a chokehold and he sobbed into his hands. Heavy, hard sobs that wouldn’t fix a thing.

He could feel the minutes growing longer, trying to prolong the inevitable. He knew he was about to lose his happiness forever. They wouldn’t even let him in to say goodbye.
Everything good in his life was about to be taken away from him in a final breath. His chest ached at the thought. It was all his fault.

The clock was ticking in slow motion, and it was all his fault…

“Josh?” A voice roused him from his self-hatred. He looked up from his hands to see a nurse standing above him. He’d seen her before. She’d been the one to tell him about Kali when he’d arrived at the hospital.

She had the most sympathetic look on her face. “While your wife is in surgery, we have someone who would really like to meet you.”

Josh furrowed his brow. “Who?”

The nurse beamed at him. “Your daughter.”

Josh’s heart skipped a beat in his chest and for a second he was frozen in shock. Had she just said what he thought she did?

“My…daughter…?” he asked barely above a whisper.

“Mmhm, it’s a girl,” She reached out for Josh’s hand. “Congratulations, Mr. Ramsay. Now, come, let’s see her.”

Josh let her pull him up out of his seat next to the surgery room and he followed her down the white hallways that stunk of burning alcohol sanitation.

“She’s in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, since she was born a few weeks early via emergency c-section,” The nurse was explaining, “so you’ll need to wash your hands and sanitize when we get in there, I’ll show you where all of that is. It’s perfectly fine to pick her up and hold her. She was born at a healthy 6 lbs 6oz, and my goodness gracious, she is the most precious little baby I have ever seen…”

The nurse rambled on but Josh began to tone her out. He had a daughter. Out of all this tragedy, he’d gained a baby girl. He was on his way to see his daughter for the very first time. He almost wanted to pinch himself but he didn’t at the same time. He wanted the fact that his daughter was here to be real, but he didn’t want Kali’s suffering to be real. He didn’t want the entire accident to be real at all.

He felt to blame for the entire thing. If he’d only just remembered to go pick her up from her parents, she would be fine. They would be at home, enjoying each other’s company and awaiting the birth of their first child, as usual. They wouldn’t be in the hospital, and Josh wouldn’t be going to see his daughter alone. He wouldn’t be scared, either. He’d have Kali, if only he’d remembered to pick her up…

“Alright, Mr. Ramsay, I’ll just get you to follow me. The NICU is a quiet place, but that’s pretty easy to figure out. Through these doors here…and I’ll just get you to wash your hands and use the sanitizer up there when you’re finished. Use the pedals to operate the sink.” The nurse pointed to a gigantic sink with pedals underneath it and soap dispensers and sanitizer dispensers around it.

Josh gave the contraption and odd look but pressed down on the pedal with his foot lightly. Water trickled out of the tap and he ran his hands underneath it and grabbed some liquid soap to rub in. When he’d created a frothy pile of bubbles in the sink he stopped the pedal, dried his hands off, and rubbed in the special sanitizer. He felt extremely out of place and anxious already. The place was too quiet for him. It was filled with parents peering at their tiny babies through little containers and sticking their hands in contraptions just to hold their baby’s hand. Everyone looked so sad but so happy at the same time. So maybe, in a way, he did belong there after all.

“Right this way, Josh.” The nurse smiled encouragingly at him and led him down rows of parents and babies and nurses. They got to the far end of the room and she turned left, leading Josh down the last row. They got next to the windows and she stopped, opening her arms to a little medical basinet. Josh’s heart seized up in his chest again. His baby was right there. What if she started crying when she saw him? What if he did something wrong? What if he broke her?

As the nurse stepped aside, revealing the little infant to Josh, all of his worry melted away. He only had eyes for the little pink bundle in front of him. She was beautiful. She as all wrapped up in a pink and purple blanket, and she had a cord coming from her nose, but other than that she looked normal. Her hands were so small with little wrinkled fingers, and her tiny feet kicked every now and again underneath the blanket. A slow, precious grin spread on Josh’s face.

“Would you like to hold her?” The nurse asked.

Josh slowly nodded, still entranced by his brand new baby girl.

The nurse moved to the side of the basinet and Josh stepped closer. She wrapped her arms around the little bundle and picked it up. She started to hand her towards Josh, who tried to imitate the way she was holding her arms. Fear lanced through him again. What if he dropped her? He never wanted to hurt her. The nurse set her slowly into his arms and he held her close to his chest. The little girl nuzzled her face into her dad’s shirt and made little squeaking noises. Josh laughed softly and carefully moved one hand to hers. Without hesitation, those tiny little fingers clung onto his own finger. She was so tiny and delicate, and she was a part of him.

Joy was filling Josh up like air in a balloon. He couldn’t believe it. He finally had his baby in his arms. It was a little sooner than he’d expected, and not quite in the same context he’d been hoping for, but she was there.

“If only your mom could see you…” Josh murmured in a cracking voice.

The little baby in his arms blinked and opened her large eyes. Josh nearly collapsed into the chair behind him. Those big eyes found his face and searched him curiously. Josh was trying his hardest to keep his tears at bay. The eyes looking up at him had gripped his heart and weren’t going to let go.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” the nurse inquired from behind Josh. “It’s odd, normally babies are born with blue eyes and they change later on, but your daughter is a little different, it seems. Such a lovely colour of green, isn’t it?”

The baby had Kali’s evergreen eyes.

“She’s perfect…” Josh whispered, refusing to look away from her. Tears he couldn’t hold back any longer were falling down his face and he did nothing to stop them. The little girl still had a firm grip on his finger, and she opened her tiny mouth wide in a yawn before quickly dozing off.

“Did you and your wife…well, did you decide on a name for her? We’d love to put something other than Ramsay on her basinet.” The nurse gave Josh a small sympathetic smile.

Josh slowly looked up at the nurse and nodded. “Avery,” he whispered. “Avery Keeler Rose Ramsay.”

“Avery Keeler Rose,” The nurse repeated, “I like that. It flows very nicely.”

“Thanks,” Josh peered down at little Avery, who was sleeping soundly. He didn’t want to put her back just yet, but he was starting to feel incredibly anxious being away from Kali. Anything could be happening to his wife and he wasn’t waiting right outside the surgery room if something did happen.

He turned to the nurse, who was writing Avery’s name down and replacing the sheet that simply said “Ramsay” with it on the basinet. “Hey,” he said, “would it be okay if I went back to my wife now? I just…I’m worried…”

“Yes, of course,” The nurse smiled kindly. “I understand completely. I’ll take your little girl here…go, Josh.”

“Thank you, so much.” Josh stepped forwards once Avery was in her basinet and kissed her head softly. “Daddy will be back to see you, I promise.”

Josh ran out of the NICU and almost walked right into another nurse who was just about to open the door.

“Oh! Mr. Ramsay, I figured I’d find you here,” She smiled softly at him. “Your wife is out of surgery. She’s not awake, but you can see her if you’d like.”

Josh froze. Was he dreaming? “I…is she going to be okay?” he asked in a whisper.

The nurse slowly nodded. “Yes. She has a few broken bones, and a lot of bruises and scrapes, but it’s nothing too major. We have everything patched up for the most part and she’ll just have to stay in here until her doctor gives her consent to go home. She’ll be a little sore when she wakes up, but she’ll be fine.”

Josh shut his eyes and let the words sink in. She’ll be fine. Kali was going to be okay. He hadn’t lost her after all. He felt the worst pain imaginable leave him as he exhaled. He really thought he’d lost her forever because of his stupid mistake. And there was no pain in the world that could possibly compare.

“Thank you,” Josh said, hugging the nurse quickly.

She chuckled. “You’re very welcome. She’s on the 3rd floor in the east wing, room 322.”

“Thank you so much,” Josh took off running to the nearest elevator. He tapped his foot and paced back and forth while he waited for it to come and wasted no time getting in it when it did. He must’ve pressed the button labelled 3 ten times.

He raced down hallways, trying to read the room numbers as he went. He only managed to get lost twice, and still found the room in record time. He paused at the door before pushing it open and walking inside. He froze once he was inside and simply stared.

Kali was lying on a white bed a few feet in front of him. She was perfectly motionless and quiet, hooked up to beeping, blinking machines, yet she still managed to look beautiful to him. Her long hair was splayed out around her as if it’d been purposely put that way. He could see a few scrapes and bruises on her arms and face and it broke his heart to know they wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for him. He didn’t consider it the drunk driver’s fault, even though he despised the fucker. He considered it his own fault, and a part of him always would. He knew when Kali woke up she’d deny that, but he wouldn’t be able to.

He walked up to her and lightly brushed his fingers along her cheekbone. Tears began to fall again at the sight of her. He pulled a chair up beside her hospital bed and slipped his hand into hers, rubbing his thumb along her knuckles slowly.

“Hey, baby,” he whispered. His voice cracked under the pressure of tears. “I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but, well, I’m going to pretend you can because it makes me feel a bit better.”

He kissed her hand softly and sobbed. “I’m so sorry for doing this to you,” he continued. “I will never forgive myself. But I’m not going to leave you again, okay? It’s not much, but I swear I’ll stay right here with you.

“When the police told me what had happened, well…I wanted to die, Kali. In that moment, to me, death was far more painless than my reality. And if there was even the slightest chance you weren’t going to make it, I didn’t want to either. I’d rather be six feet under the ground than be without you. I’ve never felt like that before, not even in the darkest moment of my past. I can’t even begin to explain to you what it was like. But I deserve it for what I’ve done.”

He was silent for awhile. He just watched Kali in her deep sleep and cried. He could barely speak through his tears, so he waited for the worst of it to subside.

“I just saw our baby, you know,” he said when he’d composed himself. “It’s a girl, Kali. She has your eyes. She’s beautiful, just like her mommy. She has me wrapped around her little finger already. I’m going to protect her, even if she hates it. I won’t let a stupid boy hurt her like I’ve hurt you.”

Josh’s small smile slowly faded and he leaned up to kiss Kali’s cheek and play gently with her hair.

“I love you so much. Without you I’d be dead, and it’s my fault you’re in the hospital right now. I’m so sorry, Kali. I never want to see you like this, ever again. I love you and Avery more than anything else. Now I just need you to wake up for me and we’ll be a family. But until then I’ll wait here, right by your side. And I’ve never cried this shamelessly before, or this much for that matter, so I’m going to stop talking. But I won’t leave, Kali. I’ll be right here, right beside you, always. You’re my perfect porcelain, Kali; my ever after. I’m just a disaster that doesn’t deserve someone like you. But I won’t let go, never again.”