You're Lucky You're So Beautiful

The anger was boiling inside me waiting to explode, just waiting. It was the fifth time this week that he was late, and I had a very good idea of what he was doing. The small paper in my hand was proof.

The anger was festering inside of me. It was waiting, waiting to explode. It was a matter of time, and all hell was going to break lose. But, his pain would so be worth it. That's all I wanted really. I wanted him to feel just as bad as I did.

"What are you going to do to him?" The voice said at the other end of the phone.

"I'm going to fuck him up. What do you think I'm going to do?" I growled at her.

I heard her sigh. "Max, you have to let things go. You two love each other. You guys have been together for a very long time. You can get through this."

I ignored her voice telling me to calm down, to think things through. I didn't want to think things through. What I wanted was to let the anger, the hatred, the fury out, and I wanted to let it out on him. He fucking deserved. Actually, he deserved so much more, but this is what I can work with now.

The familiar sounds of the door opening shut my thoughts down. I stayed where I was on the couch.

"You're late." I said once I heard it close. My voice was hard, cold, but I didn't care. This wasn't going to a nice conversation.

"I know. Sorry." He said as an excuse.

I laughed. It was humorless and dry. Something about it seemed evil almost. "You were sorry when you were half an hour late on Monday. You were sorry when you were forty five minutes late Tuesday. You were sorry when you were two hours late Wednesday and Thursday. Sorry doesn't fucking cut it this time, Ronnie."

"I can't control how much work I have to do or how fast traffic moves. Sorry." He said, mocking me.

"That's funny. I didn't know they now served alcohol at work. Let's not forget that they don't allow smoking in the building either." I spat. I stood then and looked at for the first time. No doubt he was still gorgeous, but that was the only thing right now. It was the only thing that I remembered getting in this relationship for.

"I don't want to do this with you right now, Max." He said shaking his head.

"No, Ronnie," I said. "Let's do this right now because we both know it is very over do."

"You're being difficult, so very typical." He scoffed.

"Where were you?" I asked.

"Work." Ronnie replied.

"Bull shit. Let's try this again, shall we? Where the fuck were you?" I repeated with a little more venom.

"You don't believe me?" He asked. "We're supposed to trust each other."

"Yeah, we are, but you know, I found a small paper. You lied about it." I said. The paper was thrown over at him with no actual intent to reach him. His eyes followed it to the floor. "Who's Tiffany? And before you come up with some lame ass excuse of her being someone you work with let me remind you I work there, too. There is no fucking Tiffany."

"It's not what you think." He said. His lips were in a straight line. His jaw was set. I almost believed him there.

"Oh, you have no fucking clue what I think. I could've called her you know. I could've said the things I thought were wrong, but I didn't. I wanted your explanation first, so let's hear it."

"She's just a fan." He stated.

"Yeah, and you've never slept with a fan or two. If I remember correctly, the spring of '05 was your record of nine." I snapped.

"I'm not screwing her!" He yelled.

There was that laugh again. "What are you doing then? Chatting her up over a nice cup of tea?"

"It doesn't matter what I say! You won't fucking listen! You are so set on the fact that I'm cheating on you, you won't even listen to my fucking responses." He snapped back.

"Well, it's kinda hard to believe that you aren't doing something behind my back when you come home late every single night for a week, and let's not forget your past record at monotony." I spat. I just locked myself in my grave, and there was no way to be saved. But, it was worth it. The pain that flickered in his eyes was worth it.

There was guilty look in his eyes. "You know my reasons for that."

"Oh, I remember. 'There will come a day when I have to change.' Those were your exact words the first time you cheated on Emily. Then there was the second time. After that you decided to move on and went out with Kristen. There was a total of three times cheating on her, but in your defense you weren’t' sober enough to remember the first two. After that there was that one fling with what's his name, but that wasn't really a relationship. Then there was Elise with a total of four times, and then you moved on to me. So, you're honestly going to tell me I have nothing to worry about? That's bullshit and you know it." I said with bitterness just coming out of my pores.

"It was different with them, Max. They were different." He said.

"Why were they so different?" I asked. "You went out with Emily for two years, Ronnie. Two years! You were going to propose to her! I was there when you told me how happy you were with her, and I was there when you told me that you fucked up big time. I've been your best friend for a long time. I know your history."

"Then you should know that this is different!" He screamed.

"It isn't different, though. This is very much the same! You were in love with her, so why should I think I'm any more special than your first love?" I yelled back.

"What do you want me to tell you?" He asked frustrated.

"I want you to tell me that you never should have stayed. That you should've left after that night to at least save me the heart break of getting over you again, but then again I was someone you cheated with. Why did I expect this would be different? That you would actually give a damn with me because we were friends before?"

He looked at me with pure shock. Shock and pure hurt. "You honestly think that?"

"Yes because at least then I wouldn't have to actually move on knowing that you would always be the best I would ever have. At least when we weren't together I could fantasize that we wouldn't work, that this couldn't work, but it did. We did. I was so close from getting the fuck over you the first time. So fucking close!"

Tears were brimming in my eyes. I ignored them and looked through my blurred vision at the beautiful boy in front of me. His dark hair was covering his face in guilt, maybe shame. I don't know. We never really fought, so I didn't know this look. I didn't want to know this look. We were supposed to fight, and then we were supposed to get the fuck over it because that's how we worked. This wasn't supposed to end in bitter words and salty tears.

He was still silent, too silent. It was a deafening silence. At least when he was screaming at me a got that cynical satisfaction that I was winning this fight, but I wasn't. I would never win this fight because I wasn't strong enough to fight against him. He's my ultimate weakness, always has been.

I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave and not care about what was going to happen when I came back.

My feet moved on my own. I walked past him, and he didn't even try to stop me. What did I expect?

My hand reached for the door. The cool metal was in the palm of my hand. A flick of my wrist and the door opened to the blank hallway of our apartment building.

"It was different with you because in my brain you are the only one who has the chemicals to make me fall in love." He called after me. I looked back at him. He was still standing like he was before. Didn't even move an inch.

The all too familiar sound of the door shutting came into my hearing, but I wasn't on the other end of it. His head dropped, and I could tell his hand came up to wipe his face.

"This is the part where we say we are still madly in love with each other and then have amazing make up sex." I said.

He whipped around. "I thought you left."

"You told me what I wanted to hear." I shrugged.

There was a small smile playing at the corners of his lips, and it made me smile, too. I beckoned him over with one sultry finger. He snaked his arms around my waste, and I did the same around his neck. His cool lips found my chapped ones.

Yeah, he was so lucky he was beautiful.