Crashed Down

"You'll be okay."

"It will get better."

"You are going to get through this."

The thing was that it wasn't going to be fucking okay because it wasn't getting fucking better on a count of I wasn't getting the fuck through this.

All the words, all the empty promises danced around in my brain as my hands flew to my hair, pulling at it as if that would take them away. My entire body ached, my stomach was tied in billions of knots.

I could hear their words through the door, all the fucking worry about me. Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone?

"He's a wreck, what are we supposed to do?"

"I've tried." I could hear Jared let out a sigh, a tear running down my cheek, "Fuck I've been trying everyday for the past three weeks. But we knew today would be hard. It's their anniversary Tess, it's just the worst timing-"

"He needs help, Jared."

I pushed at the spot of my chest wear my heart lay, like I was trying to hold it in. Like it was trying to crawl out. But all I wanted to do was crawl out of myself. I didn't want to live like thsi anymore. I was hurting everyone: Jared, Tessa, Tim, my entire band, my family. They were trying to help so badly and no matter how fucking hard I tried they never got the picture: I left when she did.

And back came the tainted memories as I put my head in between my knees, trying to push them out. I didn't want them, I didn't want to remember-

"You're gay."

"No, he's in love." Garrett laughed, puckering his lips in my direction as I stuck out my tongue.

I laughed with them, flicking them off. The smile on my fact didn't quite match the butterflies in my stomach. "You two need to fuck off, she's gonna be here soon. Thanks for the ride over assholes."

Pat and Garrett made one more face at me as I gripped the flowers in my hands. I did feel a bit gay- sitting alone on the steps of her house, flower in one hand, chocolates in the other, some goofy outfit on that didn't fit my general denim attire. But today was special. I heard some sirens in the distance and let a sigh escape my lips.

I slid my phone out of my pocket and looked at the notes I'd written. Basic things I needed to say. But they were just making me more and more nervous.

So I deleted it all, and in it's place, I left the basis: Tell her you love her. And then I slid it back in my pocket.

In the past few weeks, it had become so apparent that I needed her. Fuck, we'd been friends since middle school- she knew me better than anyone. She was my best friend, and for the longest time, I'd been madly in love with her. It was time to tell her.

My hands sweat in my pockets. She was late, but not too late.

I was ready. My life had been the same cycle of nonsense and bullshit for too long. I needed one thing and one thing only.

"Is this the home of Wilhelmina Gold?"

My eyes shot up to meet a police officer. I stood up quickly, facing him and setting down the chocolates and flowers beside me.

"Um, Minnie, yeah."

The man nodded slowly. "And you are..."

"I'm her, uh," I paused, "friend."

"Are her parents home?"

I ran my hands through my hair. "No, they're at work. Is everything alright, officer?"

The man nodded, looking down at step beside me hosting the flowers and chocolates. I saw the gulp run down his throat, and I saw the soft tears in his eyes and he peered back up at me and quietly said:

"There's been an accident."

The tears were running down my face faster and faster now as I felt the room turn to black, my vision going hazy. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't live with the pain, with the memories.

I couldn't live without Minnie.

"Is John still in there?"

I heard Jared sigh. "Yeah. It's not a good day."

"Mom is worried sick." It was Ross. I wiped my eyes and stood up, staring at myself in the mirror after checking to make sure the door was locked.

I looked like a mess. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see myself. I saw this sad excuse for a person, this guy who was totally fucked up. But most of all, I saw someone who was lost. My eyes were bloodshot from the tears, my face still burning. And then again came back the feeling to crawl out of my skin.

"Has he said anything to you?"

Jared paused. "I found him on the kitchen floor this morning and um," he choked. I could tell he was about to cry, "he said he wished he would have told her he loved her that day on the beach."

"You are so slow."

I laughed, "I'm living in the moment, maybe you're just moving too fast."

"Bullshit." A smile graced her lips as we reached the water, the sun just nearly rising in the distance. "Tell me again why we are up this early?"

I turned to her. "Well, when you said you wanted to spend a day at the beach, I thought you truly wanted a full day."

"You listen too much."

I smiled looking over at Minnie. Her hazel eyes set on the distance, a soft smile on her lips like she was completely content with life. I had the urge now to kiss her. Maybe today was the day. The day I finally got to tell her that I love her.

"I've missed this," Minnie said softly, looking up at me, "you know, just you and me hanging out? We don't get to do that so much, with you being a rockstar and all."

"Oh, coming from Ms. Bakery over here."

Minnie laughed. "Cupcakes don't require me to be gone for three months at a time."

As much as I loved what I did, the biggest downside to my job was being away from her. I worried about her, I worried about her being without me. But I know she never worried about me being without her: Minnie had that sense. She trusted me.

"No," Minnie nodded, as if she was finishing off a thought inside her head, "you have to be gone. You have to do what you do. It's lovely, you know that?"

I looked down at her. "I don't know."

"John, you make people happy. That's more than my cupcakes will ever do."

"I'll tell you where your cupcakes bring happiness," I rubbed my stomach, "right here."

Minnie laughed before kicking up some water and splashing me. She ran off and I ran after her, scooping her up in my arms and bringing her down to the sand so she was staring up at me. This was it. This was the perfect moment.

"Minnie."

She laughed. "John?"

"I um," I paused, "there's something I've been meaning to-"

But as soon as the words came out, I felt water crash over us and Minnie jump out from under me. I jumped with her, running back up the sand towards the car as laughs escaped her lips and she turned towards the car.

"Oh god, I need a beer."

I nodded slowly.

Suddenly she turned, her hazel eyes meeting mine. "Oh, wait, you had something to tell me?"

I paused, staring at her beautiful, smiling face. I couldn't say it. I wanted to, but the words weren't coming. I guess it just wasn't the right moment.

"Nothing, I'll just tell you later Mins."

My eyes were still locked on my figure in the mirror as the mirror played back. I should have told her. Maybe then she wouldn't be-

I stopped myself. I hated the word. A lump formed in my throat and I shook my head back and forth, trying to shake off the thought, trying to get it away as fast as I could. I just couldn't do this anymore. I wasn't myself. I wasn't anyone- I was a ghost.

Without thinking, I opened my medicine cabinet and pulled out some pain relievers. I gripped them in my hands, staring at the bottle. I couldn't do this anymore, not only to myself, but to other people. I couldn't let Jared keep finding me passed out at random rooms of my or someone else's house, I couldn't keep my mom awake every night worried when I don't answer her calls.

I couldn't be this person anymore. I hated him. I took one more look in the mirror before letting out a scream and throwing my phone at my reflection. It shattered as I opened the bottle, let nearly a dozen pills fall into my hand, and swallowed them.

As soon as I felt them go down my throat, I knew I wanted them back out.

But it was too late. I felt my feet going numb. I could barely stand. I felt like I was wobbling, I felt like I was going to fall-

And then I felt myself falling until my head smacked onto the ground. Then everything went black.

It was like I was floating. Like for just a moment, I couldn't feel anything.

I tried to speak, but no words came out.

And I didn't feel anymore whole- I felt empty. There was nothingness, and as far as I knew, I was just a part of the surrounding nothingness. I was air.

"John, wake up."

I felt a warm hand on mine, and suddenly the black faded to gray.

"John, I need you to open your eyes. It's alright. You're okay."

Slowly I opened my eyes and my vision cleared like I had just opened my shades in the morning. I was laying down. Around me was white, all white, but it didn't feel like the black, bleak nothingness from before. I felt whole again.

"John."

I turned. "M-M-Minnie? Mins? Is that-" A smile graced my lips. "Is that you!?"

She smiled that same smile she always did when she saw me. She hadn't changed a bit. Her long hair framed her face and there was a bow peeking out from the back. She was wearing her favorite polka dot blue dress that made her want to dance.

"Hi," Minnie laughed, "how are you feeling?"

I smiled as I sat up. "I'm good now, oh my god I missed you Minnie. I missed you so fucking much."

She touched my cheek. I smiled up at her. "I missed you too. But why are you here John?"

"Mins," I laughed, looking up at her, "I can't be there anymore, I can't live without you. Minnie, I just," I paused, meeting her hazel eyes, "I never got to tell you I love you. And I do, I do love you."

A tear rolled down Minnie's cheek. I wiped it off with my thumb.

"I loved you too."

I smiled. "And look, now we can be together, and everyone else can move on. Minnie, I love you so much."

I moved up to kiss her, but she moved her head to the side.

"What's wrong?"

Minnie turned back to me, holding my hand to her cheek. "John, they need you-"

"Mins, we need each-"

"Just listen please," she paused looking at the floor, "they need you. Not just your friends and your family, but your fans and the people that love you. They need you more than I need you, John. Look, I'll always be here-"

"No, no, no, Minnie no-"

"-I'll be here waiting for you, for when it's right for you, but this isn't how it's supposed to go and you know that. John you have so much left to give, you have people that need you and love you and you can't give that up for me. You can't."

Tears rolled down both out cheeks. "What am I going to do without you, Minnie?"

"You're going to move on-"

"No."

"You're going to keep living-"

"Stop, Minnie, I want to stay with you."

"You're going to fall in love again-"

"NO MINNIE PLEASE JUST-"

"And you're going to live everyday knowing that I love you and I'm with you and I need you to be the John you are. I don't need you with me yet. But I promise," she paused, letting the tears roll, "John I fucking promise I'll be with you all the time, every day, watching you live and love and just be. You need to do that for me."

I shook my head quickly, tears running down my cheeks. I couldn't speak, but I didn't want to.

"Promise me, please."

I nodded slowly and barely choked out, "I promise."

"I love you, John." I laid my forehead on hers and let out a breath, trying to regain myself.

I wanted to hold her like this forever, I wanted to stay in that quiet whole place. But there was something that didn't feel right. I knew I loved her and I knew she loved me, and that would have to be enough. As much as I hated it, I had to believe this was right. If not for myself, than for Minnie.

Soon I felt something grab me, like I was being pulled back into the black abyss. But it only lasted a second.

Soon the quiet was filled with screams and yelling and sirens and my eyes blasted open, and it was still like I was numb: the world passing by me in a whirlwind. So I did what I could do.

I let my eyes close, and I fell asleep.



"When is he gonna wake up?"

"The doctors said soon, shut the fuck up Halvo."

"You shut the fuck up."

A soft beep rung out one ear as the talking rang out another. Slowly, my eyes peeled open.

"Johnnny boy!"

I turned and smiled. "Jared. Tim. Halvo. What are you-"

I looked down to see my hospital gown, and the bland blue room around me. All of a sudden I felt sick.

"Where- What the fuck is wrong?"

They exchanged glances before Jared leaned down to look at me. "You um, you took some pills. Well, a lot of pills. You hit your head pretty hard on your bathroom floor-"

"Dude, you died for seven minutes!" Halvo cut in as Jared rolled his eyes, "Can you like, see ghosts right now? Just let me know if you see a ghost."

I laughed. "For sure, man."

"Here um," Tim nodded, "We need to let the doctor know you're awake. Plus, your mom has been living in the waiting room for the past two days. We're happy you're all right though. Not to get all day on you, but we love you man."

I smiled. "I love you guys too."

They all turned to walk out the door. I nodded slowly, looking down at my hands. I had the strangest fucking dream, the kind of dream that feels real. As much as I wanted to tell Jared about it, or the snippets I remembered, I thought it'd be best to keep it to myself. But I felt better. I really, really felt better.

Jared paused at the door, turning back to me. "You're okay, John?"

"I'm going to be."