Is This What You Call a Family?

Juliet’s P.O.V.

We had ended up eating out with Zack and then sat around doing nothing until five or so. That’s when Zack left and Michelle, Brian’s wife, came home. I had gotten to know her for an hour or so before I excused myself. She was a lovely woman and I can see why Brian married her. She was cheerful and just a general sweetheart. Now I found myself sitting on my window seat dressed in only a tank top and sweatpants. I had lazily pulled my hair into a messy bun and let one of the mixed radios from Spotify fill the room. Cthulhu was curled up next to me as I slowly petted from her head to the middle of her back, then back again.

Suddenly a soft rapping came at my door. I sighed quietly, have known it was coming. I hadn't exactly been sure when, but I knew it was going to happen at some point since I came up an hour ago. "Come in."

Brian poked his head in and gave a soft smile when he met my eyes. "Are you – "

"Let's skip the beating around the bush and just get to it. I know its time and I'm as ready as I'll ever be," I spoke, causing him to frown slightly before giving a weak smile. I smiled down at Lulu and patted her head. "Okay, baby. Time to go."

Cthulhu whined and I shook my head. She almost seemed to glare at Brian before she strutted past him and disappeared into the hallway. I'm not sure who trained her but she was hella smart. Brian shut the door after her before sitting in the chair in the corner of the room. I crossed my legs Indian style and turned so I was facing him. After a moment of silence Brian cleared his throat with a cough and spoke. "So, where do you want to begin?"

"Let's start small and work our way up."

"I can work with that," Brian replied with a smile. "So what happened with school?"

"Oh that." I could feel my face turning red from embarrassment. "I was never very good in school. In freshman year I ended up having to drop out halfway through because it got too hard and Mom was dragging me everywhere across California anyways. I never got to stay in one place for too long so I need to do it all over again."

"Why was she dragging you everywhere?"

"Running from cops, running from old boyfriends, getting new ones. It was a never ending cycle, really. The last three months was the longest we stayed anywhere and it just happened to be Los Angeles."

“"How did they treat you? Her boyfriends, I mean." I hesitated, unsure of how to answer him. What kind of question is that, you dolt? Why would you want to hear things like that, knowing they couldn't be too good after seeing what happened with the last one? "Juliet?"

"Mom's boyfriends and I never saw eye to eye," I spoke simply, hoping to drop the subject. But instead that’s when the tension began to spread through the room. I knew Brian was contemplating how to continue his assault gently, but there was no ‘gentle’ way around it. I shook my head to him. "Please, let’s not further discuss this. What’s done is done."

"If they did something to you Juli – "

"It's done, okay?" I snapped, my eyes narrowing at him giving him an ‘I dare you to keep trying’ look. What right did he have to suddenly be protective over me? He had years to do that and he couldn't handle it. He stared straight back at me. After a full minute had passed he finally let his head fall, nodding. "I want you to answer a question of mine."

"And what's that?"

"Why did you leave us?" Brian’s head snapped up at my question. I could feel the tears threatening behind my eyes but I held them at bay. I didn't want him to think I wanted to cry on his shoulder. I was just frustrated of never having an answer to the question the last twelve years. Now that I had a chance I wanted the answer. "Did Mom and I do something wrong? Could you not handle the pressure of a father? Why did you never visit? Did you even care about me at all?"

"It's nothing like that Juliet," Brian sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Then what's it like?" I demanded. "No lying to me or being gentle or whatever. I want the truth!"

"Your mom and I were having a rough patch in our relationship when you were two from me being on tour a lot since our band had released our first CD." He blinked in surprise and I could see a blush taking over his face. "Oh shit, nobody ever mention that, did they?"

"No," I scoffed. "They wanted to leave that to you, but you dropped the ball and never brought it up. But it’s no surprise. I looked you up during my not-nap and found out as much as I bothered to. So yeah, continue."

Brian seemed perplexed and embarrassed but did continue his story. "I told her I was going to fix it. A week later I came home to an empty apartment. She took you two to Los Angeles without telling me. I tried to get her address and see you for three years, but Ally wouldn't let me. I gave up hope. But I loved you, I still do. I admit if your mother and I still would have gotten along and stayed together I would have had a rough time adjusting to fatherhood, but I would have. I still want to."

It fell silent for a while after that. I just couldn't meet his eyes. Partly because that was too fucking sappy for me to respond to without being a smartass, partly because I felt flustered after it all. Mom had told me the total opposite growing up. She told me he didn't care about either of us and left because he couldn't stand being tied down. She told me he never called or anything once she moved us away to ‘protect’ us. What else did she lie about to me? It made me so angry I didn't know what to feel anymore. My hands gripped the cloth on the window seat as they curled into fists. I let my head tilt downwards and squeezed my eyes shut as I took a deep breath.

"Juliet, I really thought it was better for you. Your mom told me that she had settled down with someone and that he treated you right. If I would have known it was anything but, I would have stepped in and took you from her. I didn't know."

"I couldn't expect you to," I laughed hollowly as I let my eyes open again. "And settled down? That's what she told you? She had a new boyfriend every month. She didn't ‘settle down’ even for my sake. She did what she wanted. In turn, she couldn't control herself from all the alcohol and drugs she took. No, Mom was never a mother when she was high or drunk, which was most of the time. But growing up, she was all I had. When she was sober she remembered who I was and she loved me. She wasn't perfect, but we're all human, right?"

My heart was beating too fast, I knew it was. It felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I needed to slow down. I needed to calm down, yeah, that's what I needed to do. Brian needed to shut up and I need to calm down.

"Juliet, people make mistakes but that isn't a normal one. No mother should abandon her duties while she still has custody of her child. And she let her boyfriends hurt herself and you. That's not a mistake, that’s done on purpose."

"Don’t say that!" I shouted at him, my head finally snapping up and tears flowing down my cheeks. Brian looked taken back by my sudden explosion at him. "You don't get to say that! She loved me! She actually tried! I thought she was all I had in life. It's not her fault if she was in pain and wanted some release from it. I don't blame her for that! I don’t even blame her for what they did to me. I blame myself for not trying harder to keep us safe. She kept a roof over our heads and made sure we had food, the least I could have done is protect her when she couldn't. It's not her fault, it's not."

I kept trying to desperately wipe my tears away with my knuckles but they were quickly replaced with more. This was quite the opposite of calming down. But I was angry at myself for all of it. Mom dating guys who were bad for her, her using, and her death, me burdening - yes, I admit I am a burden - myself to Brian. If I only would have been a better daughter I could have avoided it all. It was my fault. I felt hands on my shoulders and quickly shook them off. I looked up to see Brian kneeling in front of me, a frown on his face.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this. I can't do hugs, I can't do the sweet nothings. Just, please leave me alone." With that I laid on the window seat in a ball, my back to him. I laced my fingers in my hair and pulled on the strands, trying to find something to help me anchor myself to the here and now, and not the ringing that was steadily growing in volume in my ears. I managed to hear him hesitate a moment before letting out a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Juliet." He placed a hand on my head softly, rubbing it with only the tips of his fingers before he removed it. "If you need me, I'll be in the music room."

With that he let the room. As it enveloped into silence I noticed that my music was still playing. After a few minutes I felt myself calm down enough that my tears no longer flowing. I stood shakily to my feet and headed over to my tablet. I turned on the Paramore albums before turning up the volume a high as it could go. I walked into my bathroom with it in hand and shut the door just as "Misguided Ghosts" began to play. I placed the device on the counter before moving to the glass encased shower. I turned on the water, making myself humming along with Hayley Williams's voice to focus on anything but the thumping in my chest.

Once I was stripped down I climbed into the, what felt like, red hot water. Instead of hurting me, it forced me to relax. I let out a soft, shaky sigh as I ran my hands through my hair. I sat on the tiled floor of the walk in shower with my legs folded Indian style, my head resting back on the also tiled wall and my hands continuing their busy work with my hair. I closed my eyes, letting the chorus of the song filled to room and I quietly sang along.

"'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts, travelin' endlessly. Don't need no roads. In fact, they follow me and we just go in circles."

I frowned, my eyes still closed. Why did my neck feel so itchy? I looked down my hand and saw some blood on my fingers and trapped under my nails. I screamed, instantly shooting out of the shower. Yup, my heart was not calming. Could I have a heart attack at fourteen? I caught my eyes in the mirror and saw my whole body was bright red, no doubt from the shower. My neck had three ragged cuts on the right of neck from where my nails - that were beginning to get long - had connected with the skin. I cursed myself, feeling stupid. Of course something like this would happen. I am accident prone and an idiot who was highly anxious around blood now. Is this like PTSD? As soon as I wrapped a towel around my body I heard my bedroom door slam open.

"Juliet?!"

I rolled my eyes, shutting off the water in the shower. I yanked open the door to see Brian about to grab the handle himself. He blushed deeply and looked away, scratching at the back of his neck nervously. I had to sound together on this. I can't have him know something's wrong. He'd send me back to the hospital and I am not going back. After a beat I forced out, "Can you turn around or something so I can get dressed?"

"S – sure," he stuttered out, walking back towards my door and turning his back to me. I pulled on a new set of undergarments, basketball shorts, and a tank.

"You can turn around now." I heard him do so and he gasped. As I went to head back into the bathroom to grab my dirty clothes, a hand grabbed my shoulder while the other grasped my chin to pull it towards the left and expose my scratched neck more. It was almost like I could hear the accusation on his tongue and I rolled my eyes. "It's not what it looks like."

"Why did you cut yourself?" Brian demanded.

"I didn't do it on purpose," I snapped, yanking my arm from his grasp. What did he think I was going to do? Slit my throat with some inch long nails? Keep dreaming, Brian. I turned on my heels and headed back into the steamy bathroom. I dug under the sink and found a first aid kit. Weird but I'll take it. I placed it next to my tablet which was still playing music which I had to resist singing along to. "I scratched myself in the shower and bled some. I mean, shit, who cuts their neck?"

"Those are some pretty nasty fucking cuts from scratching," Brian remarked. Okay, let's just avoid the entire point here, Brian. I knew he didn't believe me and I couldn't really give a fuck. In reality he was just annoying the hell out of me at this point. Hey look, the way to avoid a full blown panic attack is just to have Brian piss you off! Miracle help found.

"Listen, if I wanted to kill myself, I would be dead," I hissed venomously. I took the peroxide bottle out and unscrewed the cap. I let the clear liquid pour out onto a rag before placing that over the three, rough cuts that were angled down towards my collar bone. I winced a bit before I replaced the cap, waiting for the stinging to subside. "You can leave now."

"I don't know if I can trust you alone anymore."

I rolled my eyes. Again, he was really starting to annoy me. I fail to see how a few scratches on my neck results in me being suicidal. Someone was overreacting enough to make a B-movie actress jealous. I didn't reply to him as I applied a large, square bandage on my neck. I knew it would probably end up bleeding again sometime in the night from my neck turning and I didn't really feel like cleaning up the mess later. I closed the first aid before replacing it under the sink. I walked past Brian with my tablet in hand and climbed into bed, turning my back to him.

"I'm going to sleep. Fuck off."

Brian said nothing but I could hear him stomping off, flicking my light off as he went. I turned it down to a reasonable level before plugging it into the charger that was patiently waiting for it on the end table. I finally closed my eyes and started my attempt to fall asleep. Hopefully tonight I will actually get the sleep I wanted.