Safe Haven

Sebastian – my older brother – and I once got along better than any other siblings I knew. He introduced me to the party scene, taught me the basic things girls should know when it came to guys and proved to be extremely helpful while John and I were having difficulties in our young romance - especially when I had troubles I didn’t feel comfortable discussing with my mother.

He was my best friend – aside from John. He was my shoulder to cry on when I couldn’t turn to anyone else.

And up until recently, we used to spend every Wednesday hanging out after studying – seeing as the both of us were in college and had more than enough homework to do.

We told each other everything until we suddenly just didn’t. Mostly because I ran to Seattle without even bothering to tell him what I was doing or where I was going.

When he found out that I’d tried committing suicide in our aunt Jamie’s bathroom by taking a whole bottle of prescription pain pills that she’d stored from some minor surgery, our relationship kind of fell off the maps. He couldn’t look at me, even when he was sitting across the table from me, and when he did it was either out of anger or with sadness crossing his face.

Most of the time, it was anger.

And, after showing up late for our family dinner, there was no exception.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I’d actually found myself using the journal that Dr. Fletcher had asked me to use. Something – perhaps guilt – had me writing in it after my shift most days. Most of the time, it was nothing serious. Just a couple of sketches of black pits or flowers, but it was a form of expression nonetheless. And if Dr. Fletcher caught sight or word of me actually finding purpose in it, I would probably never hear the end of it.

“You’re unusually late,” my father commented as he carried in a bowl of some new concoction my mother had attempted to make into the dining room.

“Yeah… A new shipment came in right as I was about to leave, so I stayed to help sort through everything…” I lied, unfolding my napkin and resting it in my lap.

When I looked up, Sebastian had his eyes narrowed on me. Anita was sitting beside him, chatting animatedly with my father in a conversation that I chose to tune out. Ryder, beside me, was already preparing to feed Florence beneath the table.

I would have narrowed my eyes back at him but my mother entered, distracting the both of us with her main course.

Dinner went as usual. If Sebastian wasn’t eating, he was glaring at me, and if Ryder wasn’t feeding Florence then he was spilling his beverage.

Everything seemed semi-normal until Sebastian told my mother that he would take care of the rest of the dishes after the two of us had worked side-by-side for well over half of the dirty plates and silverware.

For a while, we worked with only the clinks of dinnerware to keep us company. That was until Sebastian sighed heavily and leaned forward, gripping onto the edge of the sink for support – as if whatever he wanted to tell me finally exploded from somewhere within him.

“Who are you?” he finally asked, turning to look at my anxious face as I waited with a dishtowel for him to hand me another wet plate.

I stared at him, unsure of exactly what he wanted to get out of me.

“What happened to you, Marlow?” he asked, eyes serious and mouth pressed tightly together.

I opened my mouth, willing the words to come out – any words at all – but nothing came. My throat felt too dry and my tongue felt too heavy for me to speak.

“You used to be so passionate, so confident and strong…” he stated after glancing around the empty kitchen. “I used to be so proud knowing that you stood up for yourself and anyone else you cared about and now…” Sebastian paused for a moment to compose him-self. “I heard about you and John talking for the first time.” The confession had me wincing and closing my eyes for a moment, wondering how the hell he’d heard about us. “The Marlow I knew wouldn’t have let him talk to you like that, regardless if he was drunk or not.”

“I didn’t really see the point in arguing,” I finally managed to get out. “It was Ariel’s birthday. I didn’t want to make a big commotion for her sake.”

He frowned deeply at me before turning away to furiously scrub another plate.

Trying to focus on not shaking with anxiety, I barely noticed the swinging door opening and my mother entering to carefully place a glass in the sink. Knowing her children, and having walked in on several of our fights before, she immediately sensed the tension that still was lingering in the air. “Everything okay in here?” she asked cautiously.

“Yeah,” we both stated in unison. Mine came out a little shaky while Sebastian’s came out fiercely.

She looked between the two of us a few more times before she cautiously walked back out to help Anita reorganize the dining room.

We worked in silence for a long moment before Sebastian cleared his throat. “I liked John when you two were dating, and I know that he’s still hurting over you leaving, but what he said wasn’t right.”

I nodded cautiously knowing that even if I voiced that I didn’t completely agree with him, and that John was right, that he would probably freak out on me even more than he was. And I didn't particularly want to see my brother blow a gasket while he worked with breakable items.

“You belong here, Marlow. Don’t let some drunken asshole convince you otherwise,” he stated, glancing toward me with glassy eyes for a moment before giving up on dishes altogether. And just as quickly as our conversation had went by, he was gone.



I couldn’t find it.

My bracelet wasn’t where it was supposed to be.

After my moment with Sebastian in the kitchen, with him wondering where the old Marlow had gone, I felt even more pressure to find that missing piece of me.

But I couldn’t find it.

I spent as long as I could searching, nails collecting dirt as I dug and shifted leaves and pine needles around before I had to go back home. My mother was going to be suspicious enough, so I gave up for the day, walked back to my car, wrote a quick, nonsensical entry and returned to my mother’s home, where I cooped up into my room for the remainder of the day.