Safe Haven

It was pretty obvious that I’d completely given up as soon as I decided to swallow those pills. I was tired of the curious stares Jaime constantly aimed my way, tired of being stuck within my own head, and I was especially tired of pretending to be happy and fine.

I’d swallowed my aunt’s pills expecting to never wake up from my place on her bathroom floor, but I guess I’d miscalculated – one of the most serious, most consequential mistakes I’d made to date.

When I realized that silence wasn’t going to get me anywhere but back in Dr. Fletcher’s office, I gave up on being practically mute too. I needed to talk, and even if my words were lies, how would she know? Talking in itself was progress to the woman, so if that meant being dishonest to no longer have to endure sessions with her, I was going to do it.

I walked into Fletcher’s office focused and ready to be done with all appointments. "I'm getting tired of this," I stated after closing the door behind me. "And I know you're probably tired of all my bullshit too, so I just want to get this over with."

The woman stared at me with her dark eyes in poorly hidden surprise. "Well Marlow, why don't you take a seat?" she asked gesturing toward my usual spot.

I nodded stuffing my hands in the pockets of my jeans. In attempt to show the woman that I was changing, I left my sweatshirt in my mother's minivan to expose the various scars running mostly along my left arm. Without it I felt bare and, honestly, a little cold.

I took a seat and stared at the woman with my best torn expression, hoping that I looked like I was struggling with following through with my decision.

She stared at me intently, her eyes telling me that she was listening and ready to start whenever I was. Sucking in a deep breath, I attempted to look like I was preparing myself. "I don't really know where to start..." I crossed my arms and glanced out the window, "searching" for a place to begin my "story".

"Well, how about right before you left Tempe..." Dr. Fletcher offered.

"What's to tell? Me packing after arguing with myself for a while?"

"What were you arguing with yourself about?"

I shrugged and took a second to think about my carefully plotted words. "Well, I guess leaving. I mean, I had my family to think about, my friends, my boyfriend... I guess I was just a little unsure of leaving for such a selfish reason."

Fletcher pursed her lips and allowed her eyes to narrow slightly in questioning as she leaned forward. "And what was that reason, Marlow?"

I stated out the window once more, trying to show pain and yet trying to look contemplative. "I just felt so much pressure. The classes I was taking were harder and I could feel myself slipping, I had my own apartment to pay for, and worked two jobs. I don't know, I just felt drained... And useless because the lessons that should have come so easily to me weren't.

"I was always the smart one, you know... I never had an issue, but college was just so different from what I expected it to be."

"Would you consider yourself to be in a sort of identity crisis during that time, Marlow?"

I nodded crossing my arms and forcing a pained expression to cross my face.

I could feel Dr. Fletcher's eyes studying me. She stood up and walked around her too-large desk before seating herself on the edge in front of me. I watched as she crossed her ankles and folded her hands in her lap.

"You know Marlow, I may look like the kind of person who might be easily fooled, but I assure you that I'm not. So let's stop kidding each other and actually start making some progress." She paused and waited until I looked at her to speak again. "I'm a factual based person, and from what your parents have told me about you and your childhood I can tell that you are too. So, although you may lie to me, official records don't. When you're ready to talk about those papers, then we'll discuss you no longer having to come here."

I stared at her frozen. I hadn't anticipated her backfiring or being wise enough to figure me out.

And she knew more than she'd been letting on which had me wondering if she'd told my parents anything.

"I think you have a lot to think about, Marlow. I'll see you in a couple of days."

Emotionless, I stood up and walked out of her office.

As I waited for my mother to end her separate session to discuss matters such as, “Marlow might be a bit emotional after today’s talk,” that happened every so often, I found myself leaning my back against the minivan with my head cradled in my hands.

Ten minutes ticked by of me just sitting in the parking lot thinking about what Dr. Fletcher had said. The woman wasn’t nearly as oblivious or unknowing as I thought, and it worried me. Because if she knew, then who else knew?

My parents? Did they tell Sebastian? Did Anita know? Were they all pretending to be oblivious just like Fletcher? Were they all just waiting for me to be able to admit it to myself?

And if that was the case then I was sure that I would never stop having to live my life around sessions: I would never be able to admit what happened aloud.

I was too ashamed for that.

Shaking my head, I came to the conclusion that nothing could get worse.

That was, until I heard her voice: Noel Bradley – Halvo’s apparently on-and-off girlfriend since high school, the girl who was supposed to be in New York until I could find a way to ditch town again without killing my parents’ last bit of sanity.

Glancing up, I took in the girl standing before me. Her hair was still the same way I’d been the last time I’d seen her, only slightly longer. Black-rimmed glasses sat atop the bridge of her nose, strangely accenting her dark eyes. She looked like a model pulled straight from a copy of Vogue to be completely honest. How she and Halvo ever clicked was beyond me.

“I thought you were trapped in New York.” The words came out of my mouth dry.

“I was – for a while at least,” Noel said, glancing around, taking in all the buildings around us to search for a clue as to why I was sitting in a parking lot. “I found a break though so I took it. Plus, I have a little business here. I didn’t realize you were back in Tempe. Does anyone know?” Noel blinked her almond shaped eyes at me, waiting for an answer.

“That I’m back?” I clarified, crossing my still exposed arms to hide the multitude of scars marking up my skin.

“Sure Marlow.”

“Yeah. John and his friends all know.”

“From the parking lot that we’re seated in, I can only guess that you haven’t told anyone about-“

“No. I haven’t. And I don’t plan to, either,” I stated curtly.

She stared at me before sighing and taking a seat in the gravel with me. It felt foreign, having Noel sit beside me like she used to when John and I had gotten into an argument in front of everyone. Being my only friend of the female specimen and me being the same to her, it was only natural that we’d vented our girl emotions and thoughts to each other. Now, even with a huge gap in our friendship, we were back to the place we’d first built our friendship off of.

Only this time, it wasn't stupid boy talk. It was serious.

“I can’t imagine being in your shoes, Marlow. And honestly I hope I never am in your shoes, but you should tell them. I think it’ll clear up so much confusion that everyone has,” she offered.

I shook my head, pinching my eyes shut. She couldn’t possibly understand why I couldn’t. Sure, she knew, but the feelings that came as aftermath, the conviction that that night had, was more overwhelming and scary than anything else: the guilt… It was there.

“Halvo and I haven’t said a word about you – about what happened. We’ve wanted to, you know? Seeing everyone rushing around and going mad with not knowing… but we haven’t, and we won’t. It’s your secret to tell Marlow. It was always your secret to tell. Please don’t push us away like you have everyone else… You need friends, and we’re there for you.”

She reached over, placing her hand over mine, and felt me flinch at the mere touch. But Noel didn’t move, even with the negative physical response I’d had.

I nodded, unable to look her in the eye.

For the longest time we remained there – Noel in her high fashion and me in my outdated jeans.

But that strange moment of peace couldn’t last. “I should go. I’m already late.”

“Why are you here?” I asked meekly, letting my curiosity get the best of me.

She pointed across the street. “Looking at real estate – a new building for me to bring some of my work here… This is a busy street, so I’m hoping that the layout is promising. I saw you while I was waiting for the agent to show up and thought I come see how you were.”

Nodding, I accepted her answer. “Well, good luck.”

“Thanks,” she said, glancing at the time before walking in the direction she pointed. Before she got far though, she turned to face me. “You know, John still loves you just like he did back then… He might be angry right now, but the feeling is still there. Nothing is going to change that.

“You should tell him, even if you don’t want to let anyone else know.”