Safe Haven

For the first time in a long time I felt free.

For so long – for the entire duration of my stay in Seattle – I’d lived with this insatiable weight dangling off of some organ in the very center of my chest. I’d allowed it to drag me down and I’d allowed it to keep me in that low spot.

“Can I help you, Miss?”

I stared at the women, stared at the neatness of her hair folded and tied at the top of her head. She adjusted the scarf around her neck, toying with her pen in the other.

Clearing my throat, I nodded. “Um, yes. I-I need to speak with Dr. Fletcher? My appointment is scheduled for Friday, but I was wondering if I could just see her now?”

“Let me check for you, Hun,” she said, swiveling her chair around to peck the keyboard of her computer with her acrylic nails.

I allowed my eyes to scan the room, taking in the calming and abstract paintings decorating the main area of the building Fletcher’s office happened to be in. Everything was perfectly cleaned, everything smelt of some lemon-based cleaning product.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Fletcher’s schedule is full for both today and tomorrow – is there anything else I can help you with-?”

“Marlow?”

Spinning away from the tall desk, I turned to see Fletcher standing in the doorway with someone that I could only assume to be one of her younger patients.

I gave her a wavering smile and rubbed my palms together, feeling the edges of my sweatshirt sleeves against the lower edge of my palm.

“Do you need to see me?” she asked, a flicker of hopefulness in her eyes.

“Uh, yes... I mean, it’s not an emergency but-”

Fletcher glanced down to the patient standing beside her before looking back up to me. “I can squeeze you in right now. Why don’t you head back to my office? I’ll only be a minute or two…”

Nodding, I felt myself walking down the familiar hallway, my gut instinct telling me to run away – to get out while I could.

But I forced myself to continue onwards, to the office I’d wasted so much time in.

It felt like hours instead of minutes of waiting. With each second that passed, which each moment gone – never to come back to me again – came more nervousness.

Forcing myself to sit, forcing myself not to vomit, I focused on the window I’d spent so much time in this room staring out of. It was always so clean, so perfect. I reached out and put a smudge through the center of it with my sweaty palm. I was sure Fletcher would know exactly who had done it when she saw it eventually.

"What can I help you with, Marlow?" the woman asked the second the door clicked shut behind her. She looked decent again - I mean, sure, the sweater was still a bit outdated and the leather boots didn't suit her at all, but her roots were colored and her outlandish red lipstick was free from her face.

I shrugged, not knowing where to start. "I think I'm ready to talk," I stated, my voice escaping my lips in surprising confidence.

Fletcher stared at me, eyes warm for once. "Okay."

I shifted uncomfortably in the leather seat. "I don't really know where to start..."

"Start anywhere you'd like..."

"Well, you made it known that you already know about what happened... I'm guessing medical records, right?"

She nodded, leaning back in her seat with her notepad. "I'm guessing that no charges were filed..."

I shook my head, glancing at the smudge I'd just made. "I wasn't thinking straight, I wasn't really thinking at all. And then when my friends dropped me off at home and I managed to convince them that I would be fine, it hit me. He was John's friend - my boyfriend's friend - and I didn't think people would believe me. I just, I lost it. My safety was gone and I couldn't stay in Tempe for a second longer, so I left."

"But now you're back..."

I nodded, crossing my legs.

I was back, whether or not I liked it, and things were going to be different.

"John knows," I blurted out. "I don't know what possessed me to tell him of all people, but he knows."

Fletcher only nodded, obviously pleased with all of this. "And how do you feel about John knowing?"

I shrugged. "I don't know," I admitted. "I like it, I guess, but I'm just afraid that this is going to change everything... That he only feels bad for me..."

"Do you regret telling him?" she asked, as if to clarify.

"No."

A silence was masked over the two of us. “What made you change your mind about talking about this?”

“He wore me down. I couldn’t look him in the eyes without feeling guilty about not telling him. He was my best friend above all else… He always was my best friend…”

Another mute moment passed by before Dr. Fletcher leaned forward, setting aside her notepad. “I’m glad you’ve finally opened up about this, Marlow.”

“Are you going to tell my parents?” I asked.

She shook her head. “You’re a legal adult and a patient. I don’t have to tell them anything. What you decide to do with your information is your choice. If you’d like only John to know is up to you.”

I only nodded, biting down on my lower lip as I thought everything through.

“I think it’s great that you’ve confided in someone,” Dr. Fletcher added with a bright smile. “I’m proud of you Marlow.”

I gave her a weak smile. “I’m still scheduled for Friday,” I guessed.

She nodded, setting aside her notepad. “Call me if you need to discuss anything, okay?”

Nodding, I got up, glancing at the smudge one last time before leaving, unsure why I’d even stopped in in the first place.



Something was still missing. As the hours ticked by, as I wandered The Poisoned Pen pretty much aimlessly, I couldn’t help to feel anxious. There was still something off.

John knew, but with him knowing opened him up to having so much power over me.

”Do you regret telling him?”

I wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Marlow? Why don’t you just head home?” Ray asked, peering around the corner. “You seem a little distracted today and it’s not like we have a whole lot to do… I’ll probably close in an hour anyway…”

It was a lie. I knew it and she knew it, but I nodded regardless and gave her a thankful smile before gathering my things.

Just as I walked out of the building, I felt the familiar vibration of my phone in my pocket.



Pausing and thinking everything over, I reluctantly and nervously replied with a simple, “Yes”.