Safe Haven

Despite my attempt at suicide, and the running away and the scars that I purposely hid with my sweatshirt sleeves, I once had been a very happy person.

Maybe I was a little uptight when it came to achieving, but I was happy nonetheless.

I had friends – real, genuine friends. I had a future planned out. I had my college graduation set on course. I partied just like my friends; I spent my Friday nights doing sappy date nights with a boy that I loved and who I could only assume loved me back.

Everything was normal.

But the term was broad. To me, after my stay in Seattle, “normal” became being shunned by Sebastian out of his anger for me not talking about anything. “Normal” was being able to make the entire room crowd with awkwardness when I opened my mouth. “Normal” was not being able to sleep well at night. “Normal” became staying cooped up in my parents’ home, staring out the window when I couldn’t focus solely on my book or the television. Normal was terribly boring, but normal was incredibly safe.

As I stared blankly at the television and carelessly flipped through the channels one at a time, I heard the phone ring from somewhere in the depths of our kitchen. The sound blared as it bounced off of the hard surfaces and traveled into my range of hearing until my mother had the chance to answer it.

I managed to flip through a few more channels before my mother entered with the telephone still in her hand. “Marlow, Honey, it’s for you.” The look on her face was almost pathetic. If she hadn’t seemed so excited or so teary-eyed at the prospect of someone wanting to talk to me again, it could have been considered priceless. I could practically see her heart swelling with pride that her once very social daughter was now returning to her.

My heart was doing the opposite. As I stared at the phone being held out to me, I could feel it clench up beneath my rib cage and sputter a few times. I worried that it would suddenly stop beating altogether and break off to fall to the bottom of my stomach. But it didn’t.

“Who is it?”

“Ray,” my mother responded with, her free hand resting over her heart like it did the first time I went to a dance. Sophia Watson was an emotional woman, one of the most emotional mothers I’d ever encountered, so I wasn’t all that surprised when she lingered by when I decided that Ray was safe to talk to.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Marlow.” She didn’t sound like it was urgent, so I could only assume that the call wasn’t about work. “I have to ask you a quick question.”

To say that I was nervous was an understatement. She was a coworker – one that I got along with – but we were just coworkers after all. What could she possibly have to ask? I watched as my mother scurried off down the hallway.

“Sure… What is it?” I tried my best to seem okay with the way that our conversation was going, but whether or not I managed to pull it off was something that I wasn’t sure of.

My mother appeared back, the other phone in her hand as she listened in on our conversation. I couldn’t help but to scowl lightly at her before directing my full attention to the way my stomach was starting to bubble with anxiety.

“I know we don’t really know each other all that well, but I wanted to invite you to my birthday party tonight. I’m not doing gifts or anything, but I wanted you to come and hang out a little bit…” I nervously started gnawing on my nails as she spoke, uneasiness settling into my stomach. My mother waved her hand, as if shooing me, telling me in silence to go.

As if sensing my hesitation, Ariel continued, “It’s just a small get together. My close friends, some decent conversation…”

My mother shot me a look, almost demanding me to go. Honestly, if I said no, I wasn’t all that doubtful about the idea of her stuffing me into her minivan and dropping me off.

I hissed silently as I ripped a piece of my nail off before finding an answer that I wasn’t planning on saying escaped my lips. “Sure. What time?”



After countless hours of my mother hovering over me and convincing me to allow her to do my makeup, I found myself staring with knocking knees at the house that was filled to the brim with people. For a second, I wondered if I’d had the wrong address – I even pulled out the slip of paper from my back pocket to check.

It appeared that Ray’s “small get together” had grown and expanded into a full blown kegger.

Even with my sweatshirt on, I felt my skin tingle with the chill that ran through me.

I couldn’t go inside. Ariel wasn’t around and it wasn’t like she would really miss my presence with the amount of people that I could see moving around inside. My mother had spent extra time on getting my hair to wave just right and had perfected my makeup far too many times for me to look like I used to. Now, it felt like a huge waste of time.

I hugged my arms to my chest and turned to walk back to my car, but with all the luck in the world, Ariel walked by the open door and spotted me.

“Marlow! You came!” she said with a pleased smile on her face as she hurried down the stairs to usher me inside.

“This is a small get together?” I asked.

She glanced back to the house with a slight frown on her face. “It was supposed to be, but some people heard about it and some invited their friends. And then apparently they invited their friends…” She stated, not looking all that happy or all that upset about it. It was like high school all over again.

I felt my shoulders tense as she walked my through the front door, into the chaos that I’d once been so accustomed to experiencing. Looking around, it didn’t feel as foreign as I expected or wanted it to be.

“Happy birthday, by the way,” I called over the music that was seeping through the empty space in the room.

“Thank you,” she said, glancing around. “Here’s the tour of the night: over there is where all the alcohol is located,” Ray stated, pointing to our lefts. “Feel free to crash here tonight if you can’t drive home. Beer pong has been started through that doorway,” she pointed ahead, “and there’s a bathroom that-a-way and there’s two more upstairs that you’ll have to search for if it’s necessary.” She looked humored at her own words as she glanced at me. “Feel free to mingle. I don’t know well over half the people here.”

Her statement was meant to be funny and loosen up my nerves, but it didn’t. In fact, I felt my stomach knot up even tighter. But, not wanting to disappoint Ariel, and not really wanting to make our sort-of friendship awkward for work or anything, I forced a smile and nodded. “Will do.”

“Come on,” she stated, tugging me to the open bottles of hard liquor sitting out on the counter top that overlooked the living room. She poured me and herself a cup before leading me through the house, introducing me to a few of the people she did recognize as she spotted them.

I had a feeling that she’d expected for us to stick together with my social awkwardness and obvious absence of friends since I’d returned to Tempe.

It hadn’t been long since I’d arrived when Elisa, one of the people that Ray had introduced me to earlier came up with a distressed facial expression. “Ray-Ray,” she whined, shooting an apologetic look my way for interrupting the conversation we’d been having. “Maya is way over her limit already. It’s time for her to go home, and I can’t find anyone to help me drag her to my car. Help? Please?”

With a mildly annoyed look, she shot me a look. “I’ll be right back,” Ray said before handing me her cup and chasing after Elisa, who already was weaving through the crowd.

I stared down into my untouched cup of whatever Ariel had handed me and sighed to myself. I searched around, looking for any place to ditch the beverage that I wouldn’t down without having to go too far from where I was standing.

I found my salvation in a potted plant at the base of the staircase. Glancing around, making sure that Ray wasn’t back yet, I cautiously wandered over, avoiding the carelessness of the drunk and tipsy people surrounding me and poured the alcohol to the soil before setting my cup down beside it.

I watched as the dirt soaked up the moisture and muddied the cigarette filters people had stuffed there before standing upright once more.

Turning, I expected to come face to face with Ray’s familiar blue eyes, but instead, I was faced with even more familiar brown irises.

At the sight of him, I felt my hands clench up and the edge of my hoodie sleeves ball into my fists.

Patrick Kirch was here, and if things were still like they used to be, the rest of his – and my old – clan was here, lingering amongst the party.