Never Lost a War

"Shit, Jack repeats. "I don't even remember that."

"Well, you wouldn't, considering you were drunk out of your fucking mind- honestly, Barakat," Zack says with an eye roll, and Rian pushes him off of the bed.

"You're an idiot, Jack," Rian says, but it's not derisive, not mean at all, really; if anything, it just sounds vaguely fond. "And you do really, really dumb things."

"And I can't keep my mouth shut for my life," Jack adds.

"Yeah," Rian agrees. "But I don't think that any of that means that you don't deserve, you know, a someone."

"You think I deserve someone," Jack repeats slowly, the words feeling strange on his tongue, like something about it doesn't fit. "You mean, like, a girlfriend or boyfriend."

"Not exactly," Rian says, shifting in his seat. "I mean, like-- Alex," he blurts, and Jack frowns immediately, and before he can stop himself, he's standing up and making a beeline for the door.

"You're wrong," he snaps. "I don't deserve someone like Alex," he says, and he's gone.

Rian doesn't go after him, and when Jack comes back to his dorm an hour later, Rian and Zack have left.

Incidentally, so has Alex.

So Jack decides to leave, too. He can go listen to sad music in Keller's dorm just as well as he can in his own.

When Keller opens the door, she blinks at him, and then physically draws back at his appearance. "Fuck, you look wrecked," she says, stepping away from the door so he can walk inside.

"Thank you," Jack says, and normally he'd make more of an attempt at a witty comment to defend himself, just to hear Keller laugh, but he's kind of drunk still and he'd really, really like to be much, much drunker. He flops down on Keller's single bed and stares up at the ceiling.

"Jack, you're scaring me," Keller says, kneeling on the floor next to him, touching his shoulder carefully. "Can you tell me what's happening right now?"

"I don't know," Jack says honestly, and that's the truth.

Well, it's part of the truth.

The whole truth is that he's almost positive he's hopelessly in love with Alex, and if Rian is even a little bit right than maybe there's a possibility that Alex might be hopelessly in love with him, too. Except, Jack feels like such an asshole, because if that's true, than he's fucked things up with Alex horribly, horribly badly over the the time of this stupid fucking bet that he doesn't even really care about anyway.

The bet was never about losing his virginity, he thinks despairingly. The bet was never about a "sexual revolution", or about making sure people knew that he thought relationships weren't bullshit. The bet was never about that at all.

The bet was about distracting himself from what he thought he couldn't have; even if he didn't even know he wanted it.

Keller purses her lips, pushing Jack's hair back from his forehead. She doesn't pry, doesn't tell him that he obviously does know what's wrong and just isn't telling him; doesn't say anything at all. She just sighs, places an oddly affectionate kiss on his cheek, and gets him a bottle of water from beside her dresser.

"You're drunk," she says, by way of explanation.

"I am," Jack agrees, sitting up and taking a sip of the water. "I think I really fucked up."

"Maybe so," Keller says, and Jack likes that- likes that she doesn't try to sugarcoat or tell him that no, of course he didn't, he hasn't done anything wrong.

"I think I might be in love with Alex," Jack says, and these words don't feel strange on his tongue, they feel like they make sense, like they were a long time coming.

Keller smiles helplessly, sitting down next to Jack on the bed. "I think you may be right."

"I think I'm scared to death right now," Jack says, "and I think I have no idea what to do, and I think Alex might kind of hate me right now, because I've been such an ass to him since... Since I started this, um, bet. With Zack." he swallows.

"Bet?" Keller asks.

"I made a bet that I could lose my virginity before Zack could learn enough about a girl to write two pages about her," Jack explains, and it's the first time he's told someone about it, the first that someone knows that isn't Rian or Alex or probably Cass.

"Oh, Jesus, Jack." Keller inhales sharply, looking concerned. "You might actually have really fucked up, here--

"I know that, that's why I'm here, drunk, complaining to you in your dorm," Jack interrupts miserably.

"--but I'm a firm believer in happy endings, and I don't think this is beyond saving," Keller says adamantly, and she grabs Jack's face in between her hands to force him to look at her.

"Jack," she starts, "Alex... he cares about you. More than anyone else, probably. And you've made some mistakes, obviously, not that I really know much about the specifics. He's not going to abandon you because of that. Just tell him how you feel."

"It's not that easy," Jack argues-- well, whines.

"It can be," Keller shoots right back. "You just have to tell him. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture."

"What if he'd want it to be? What if it's-- not enough?"

"What if you stop arguing with me and just say you'll tell him," Keller deadpans.

Jack sighs. "I.... think I will."

"That's my boy," Keller says, ruffling his hair ridiculously, considering Jack is almost entirely certain that he's older than her, even if not by much. "My stupid, stupid boy."

"I hate you," Jack says, rolling his eyes.

"I'll kick you out of my room," Keller threatens.

"I love you," Jack decides.

She grins smugly, and Jack thinks, okay, maybe she's right.

Things might not be perfect. They hardly ever are. But that doesn't mean that they're not damn close to getting there.