Dumb and Fearless

"Your appointment with Dr. Jane has been scheduled for Monday, October 29, which is a week from today," the receptionist informed me with her overly cheerful voice. I couldn't tell if it was that downright ecstatic tone that was making me nauseous or if it was just the morning sickness. I heard the apartment door open and my mind spouted off every curse word which applied. I frantically dropped the pen and scooted the notepad back over to its spot on the counter without a single mark on it, as if one of the guys would actually notice.

"Okay, that sounds perfect, thanks," I rushed out in one quick breath. I hung up on her before she even had the chance to reply, and just as John turned the corner. He raised an eyebrow at me, and I pushed the hair out of my flushed face.

"Everything okay?" he asked, closing the distance between us and looking directly into my mind. I forced myself to smile and nod my head. I probably looked insane, but what else was new?

"Yeah, everything's fine," I tried to assure us both. He gave me a stern look, and I did my best not to flinch or shatter. Finally, he leaned over and kissed my lips, abruptly ending that conversation and my thought process. Or at least I thought.

"Are you sure?" he whispered again, his breath brushing over my face. I tried to even remember what we were talking about, which was difficult with him that close to me.

"Yes," I said, but not as confidently anymore.

"Shay, if something's wrong-"

"Everything is just fine and dandy, okay?" I snapped, and his jaw dropped wordlessly. I cursed myself and ran a hand through my hair, his hurt and taken aback look feeling like a stab right to my heart.

"Okay," he said defensively, pulling away from me. I pursed my lips and looked at the ceiling, figuring now was as good as any time to blame the hormones.

"Dammit. I'm sorry John, I didn't mean to yell at you," I murmured apologetically. His thin lips curled up in the slightest bit and gave me a small sense of relief. I thought about telling him right there and then, but I lost my nerve completely as he opened his mouth to speak.

"It's fine, baby," he breathed out, reaching out to tangle his fingers with mine. "I just worry about you. I've lost you once, and I don't want it to happen again."

"John, I promise, I'm not going anywhere," I mumbled, wrapping myself around him.

"I know, it's just there's this part of me that's waiting for you to wake up one day and realize that you're so out of my league; I know I haven't always been the best guy, and you have always deserved so much more than me," he murmured against my hair, and I let out an actual laugh. I rested my chin against his shoulder as I gazed up at him, my eyes sparkling in just the thought.

"If anything, you're out of my league," I countered with a shake of my head. "I mean, you're John O'Callaghan, the drop dead sexy singer of The Maine. And I'm a hot mess, at best. I mean, I'm crazy and irrational and moody and stubborn as hell and quite frankly, I can't even stand myself sometimes."

"Oh, Shay," he replied in a low voice. "You are so much more than what you think."

"Maybe," I shrugged, tangling my arms around his neck and reaching up on my tiptoes so my face was only a few centimeters from his. "But you're everything I want and dreamed about. Don't ever doubt that."

"But-" he started, and I shook my head and he quickly shut up.

"I promise you, that as long as you're in this, I'm in this, 100%. I love you, John, and I promise I'm done running."

His eyes studied mine as I made the promise to him, myself, and to the life that grew between us. I knew in that moment that I meant every word. There was too much at stake for me to flee from my problems like I used to.

"I love you. I swear I'm in if you're in," he vowed, and I felt a pang of guilt as he pulled me close. My stomach flipped, as if demanding to be noticed as well, and I cringed against the crook of his neck.

"John?" I said weakly, not daring to look at him.

"Yeah baby?"

"I'm-" I started, taking a deep breath as my voice shook considerably.

An obnoxious and startling buzzing filled the air and cut off my sentence. John cursed, breaking our embrace to search his pockets for his phone, the still-vibrating culprit. He gave me a sheepish grin as he checked the caller ID, and I sighed.

"I'm sorry, it's the label," he explained, and I nodded in understanding.

"Go ahead and take it," I urged him, rubbing the back of my neck. He gave me a quick kiss on the nose before pressing the talk button and wandering over into the small living area. I leaned against the counter and watched him, the faux-grantite digging into my hands. I had to tell him, but watching his easy grin and careless expression, I just didn't know how.

I gnawed on my lip and reorganized the odds and ends on the counter while John talked enthusiastically to an equally excited man on the other end. My thoughts were screaming to loud for me to actually even attempt to eavesdrop on them, and I focused on not throwing up my breakfast right then and there.

I heard John say his goodbye and the distinct clicking of the off button, and my stomach was churning. John walked back over to me and draped his lanky arms over my shoulders. I leaned my head against his chest and the soft thudding of his heartbeat calmed me down just the slightest bit.

"What did the label want?" I asked, shutting my eyes and attempting to push out the rest of the world. John sighed against my hair, and for a moment, it was just the two of us.

"They need me to go down there to sort out a few things before we leave on Thursday," he whispered, his arms tightening around me a little.

"Oh," I breathed out, disappointment surging through me. He turned me so I faced him, and I snuggled wordlessly into his chest. If I could have stayed like that forever, I would have.

"What was it you were saying before my phone rang and so rudely interrupted?" he inquired, and I froze.

My lips parted and the words were right there on the tip of my tongue. I tried to force them out, but literally no sound escaped. John's expression grew more and more concerned, and I knew if I didn't say something soon, he wouldn't drop the matter. So instead I shook my head and shrugged.

"You have to get to work," I pointed out, pulling myself away from him. "We can talk about it later."

"I'll see you after work," he promised, kissing my forehead quickly. "I love you."

"Love you too," I echoed softly, watching him leave until his scrawny frame disappeared completely from my sight.