Dumb and Fearless

"Hello?" I answered anxiously, shutting up my phone and shooting up in bed. My eyes started to blur from the sudden movement and I blinked rapidly, my heart thudding in my chest as my free hand fumbled to turn on the lamp.

"Hey," John said, his voice hollow. I swallowed, trying to force the aching in my throat away and keep my voice calm.

"Hey," I repeated softly. "You made it okay?"

"Yeah," he answered emotionlessly. I could picture him sitting outside of the hotel, smoking a cigarette and staring up at the stars. Just thinking about him made a part of me hurt. He was so far away, both physically and emotionally, and it was painfully obvious.

"That's great," I said, feigning cheerfulness. I pushed back my bangs and glanced up at the shadows shifting across the ceiling.

"I just figured I'd let you know we're here and all okay and everything," he murmured, a hint of something in his voice for the first time since I'd picked up the phone; since I'd told him the news, if we were being honest.

"Thank you," I whispered, blinking back tears. Damn hormones. "How is LA?"

"It's crazy," he said, and I could hear the hint of a smile in his words. "Everyone's stoked."

"Well, I'm glad you boys made it there okay." I could hear my voice wavering a bit, and cursed myself for being so damn emotional. I just couldn't help myself though. I sniffled a bit, hoping he wouldn't notice.

"Thanks," he mumbled, and he hesitated for a moment as I swallowed hard. "Are you okay, Shay?"

"Yeah," I assured him. "Yeah, I'm fine."

He paused again, and I know if we hadn't been fighting, he would have pushed it. "I... I'm sorry about earlier. You just caught me off guard and I just-"

"Don't worry about it," I cut him off, squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my head even though he couldn't see it. "We can talk about it when you get back."

"But-"

"I'm too tired to fight right now, and you have to be exhausted from the car ride. It won't do us any good to get into this right now, John."

He was quiet again and all I could hear was his breathing. "Okay. You're right."

Neither of us said anything for a moment, but I was content to listen to his steady breaths and pretend he was with me instead of there. However, I heard voices in the distance, broken up over the phone. I sighed, opened my eyes, and was indeed alone in my bed.

"I have to get going," he whispered, and I nodded.

"I figured," I said, not quite ready to let go.

"I'll call you later," he promised, and I nodded.

"Okay."

"I love you," he said, barely audible. A small smile settled on my lips despite all of the events of the day.

"I love you, too," I breathed back.

"I'll talk to you soon."



I barely had time to hang up before my phone was buzzing in my ear again. I jumped a little bit, knocking my hand against the headboard in my attempt to press the talk button. I didn't even bother with caller ID; I already knew just who it was.

"Hey," I said, barely having a chance to get that in before Kennedy started talking.

"I saw John just got off the phone, and I was assuming it was with you, and that way I knew I wasn't going to wake you up," he explained in one breath, and I took the phone away from my ear and stared at it for a few moments before answering him. This could not be the Kennedy Brock I knew.

"Yeah, he was letting me know you guys made it alright. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, perfectly fine. Are you? 'Cause you should really be resting. And have you eaten anything since I left? Because it's not healthy to be skipping meals and-"

"Yes, I ate. I had some soup a few hours after you left, and I've been lying in bed since like right after that, so I'm fine. It's all fine. Take a deep breath, Ken," I teased, and I could just picture the look he was giving me.

"I'm just looking out for you and the little one."

I tried my best to hold back laughter. "The little one?"

"Yes, the little one! What would you prefer I call it? I mean, I can't call it he or she, and to continue to call it 'it' seems a little bit rude, don't you think?"

I was totally and completely awestruck. This was not Kennedy. I had to be on 'Punk'd' or something. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, not quite sure exactly what to say. It was completely silent for what felt like hours, and I realized he actually expected an answer.

"Okay, little one it is," I agreed, still flabbergasted.

"Thank you," he replied, sounding proud of himself. "Now how was your talk with he-who-must-not-be-named?"

"C'mon Kennedy," I complained, rolling my eyes. "This is John we're talking about, not Voldemort."

"They're in the same boat right now as far as I'm concerned," Kennedy grumbled bitterly, and I inhaled deeply.

"You said you'd play nice," I reminded him, and I could see him waving me off.

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, and I rolled my eyes.

"Kennedy Brock, I am dead serious. I may be pregnant, but that won't stop me from kicking your ass," I warned, and I heard him inhale sharply in protest.

"Hey now! That can not be good for the little one!" he protested, and I rubbed my face with my free hand.

"You know what else isn't good for the little one? If you beat up and verbally abuse the little one's daddy."

"But Shay," he whined, and I shook my head, even though he couldn't see it.

"I mean it."

"Fine. I'll try this 'playing nice' thing out, just for you and the little one."

"Thank you."

"So, in all honesty, how did your talk with him go?"

I sighed, and I could just feel Kennedy's fist clenching. I was still trying to sort out my own emotions, and I didn't need to get Kennedy's fierce loyalty involved as well. I nibbled on my thumb a little bit, making a face he couldn't view.

"It was okay," I decided lamely, and I could just picture Kennedy raising his eyebrows.

"Okay?" he repeated doubtfully, and I shrugged to myself. "Is that honestly all you have to say about a conversation with a person who, just earlier today, made you bawl your fucking eyes out?"

"It wasn't all his fault," I defended meekly. "It was better than the conversation this morning. He apologized and I told him we could talk about it when you boys get back."

"How very mature of the two of you," Kennedy said approvingly, and I giggled a bit.

"I know. Look at how things can change," I laughed, and Kennedy chuckled a bit.

"I miss you already, D," he admitted softly, and I could feel tears welling in my eyes as my face relaxed.

"I miss you too, K," I responded quietly.

He went mute on the other end, and I could hear another voice, probably Tim's, in the background. Our conversation was on a time limit. I was all too familiar with the routine, but it had never felt this hard before.

"I gotta go," he informed me, and I nodded bravely.

"Okay. Let me know how things go," I requested.

"Oh, don't worry, I will. And remember, if you need anything-"

"You're just a phone call away," I finished, a smile tugging at the corner of my lips.

"Yeah," Kennedy breathed out, and we were silent for a few more moments. "Be careful, Daise. I'll call you tomorrow."

"I will, don't worry. You boys have fun."

"We'll talk soon."

"Okay. Goodnight, K."

He hung up, and I held my breath as the silence of the air whooshed around me. The darkness wasn't quite as lonely as it had been a few hours ago, and the weight that felt like it had been pressing on my chest eased up just a little bit. I wasn't naive, I knew there was still a long road ahead, but I felt ready to start walking, and I knew I wasn't going alone.