I'm Low on Gas and I Need a Jacket

I awoke to the sound of soft rain. Eyes grew wide trying to adjust to the darkness, of Tony's room. His breathing was steady, but mine was the total opposite. I felt a weird pain in my uterus; like it didn't actually hurt, it was just really irritating. I hopped off the bed a ran to the bathroom. I leaned over the toilet getting ready for my usual puke, but I didn't have to. I went to the kitchen and made a glass of water, but that didn't help. I wasn't hungry, either. What was wrong with me? The lights came on in the kitchen, and I saw Tony standing shirtless in the doorway. He looked really tired and I felt bad for waking him.
"Babe, are you okay?" he asked scratching his head and rubbing his eyes. I put my hand on my stomach as if the baby could answer for me, and somehow it did. I felt no movement, none.
"No, no I'm not okay," he looked at me and came to me,"I don't feel anything. No kicking, no bumping...," I felt tears run down my face, thinking the worst,"Can you take me to the hospital? Please?"
He kissed my forehead and nodded. I changed into one of Tony's sweaters and slipped on some jeans and my Toms. He put just found a shirt and some jeans, and put on a jacket. It was fairly dark outside, it wasn't too late like one-ish.
We drove to the hospital, and as we were driving, the strange pain I had stopped. Like it didn't gradually stop, it just stopped all together. I frowned and immediately thought the worst. I didn't say anything but Tony caught me.
"It's going to be okay, Danni. Don't worry." I stayed quiet and I could feel the baby dying inside me, because I felt apart of me die as well.
Tony pulled up in the hospital parking lot and we took the same spot as the one in the previous week. We walked in, mainly because I had already lost hope. Yvette was gone and she didn't even have a chance to exist. We went to the clerk, she was the same woman.
"Oh hi, I saw you last...week," she looked right at me and saw the look on my face, I was so far gone. I didn't care at this point. Tony spoke.
"Can we see a doctor? Please, my girlfriend's having trouble and--"
"The doors down the hall, to your right, I'll call Dr. Bennett for you."
Tony grabbed my hand,"Thank you so much."

We walked down the hallway, to the room the clerk instructed us to go to. I sat on the patient bed, and Tony stood next to me.
"Say something," he said. I just shook my head, I couldn't. Yvette was gone, there was no point,"Danniel, everything's okay."
"Stop saying that Tony, it's not okay." Just then Dr. Bennett walked in. She was smiley and bubbly, totally oblivious as to what was about to be seen.
"You two again, this is earlier than a month," she looked at me and asked Tony,"Is everything alright?"
"No, it's not.."I answered.
"Let's just check on the baby,"
"There's nothing to check on, she's dead." I looked at her and I felt tears, I looked at Tony who was on the edge of them,"Yvette's gone."
"Now, let's jump to conclusions," Bennett said,"Could you lie down and pull your shirt over your stomach?" I did. She felt my stomach, and looked at me frantically.
"I-I'm sorry,"she said quietly. I couldn't speak, I didn't cry, but a voice deep down inside me just told me it was my fault.

As we walked out the hospital, we were quiet. Tony reached for my hand but I pulled away. As we drove home, we were quiet. When we finally got in the bed, Tony finally said,"Danniel, say something. Most people cry when this stuff happens, but what worries me is that you aren't."
I shook my head again, the guilt crippled me,"Danniel, speak. Please, I'm sad too. Just tell me something."
I opened my mouth and said quietly,"My fault. This is my fault. This is all my fault."
He grabbed my hand,he looked at me with tears in his eyes,"Don't.Say that."
He grabbed my waist and we lied down. I couldn't sleep, and the only words in my head were playing on repeat.
'Danniel this is your fault. You did this, the baby's dead because of you.' I was wide awake. Those words wouldn't leave my mind. It was running through my veins and breaking me from the inside out.
"Danniel, go to sleep."
"I can't. I can't do anything anymore."

The next day, I didn't speak, I didn't move, I didn't eat; I just..didn't. Some time in the afternoon, Tony came in his room, as I was sitting on his bed in fetal position.
"Danniel, I love you,so much. I know you feel bad, but we all have losses. Please, don't beat yourself up, there was nothing you could do." I looked out his window.
"She didn't deserve to leave,"I said,"It's my fault she died. If I wasn't so fucking panicky all the fucking time, if I didn't fucking stress out like you told me, she'd still be living inside me. But no. I killed Yvette. I should be dead, and not her."

I stared out the window, with deep concentration. It's not like I wanted to feel like this; but every insecurity, every bad emotion, it was all brought out. The fact that I lost a part of me, those thoughts weren't just thoughts, it was a monster. A monster made entirely of pain and grief, and it crippled me to the point where I didn't think I could get my life back.