Take This to Your Grave

I didn't leave the bathroom until a few minutes after the dismissal bell. I had been overcome with fear; I didn't want to run into Seth. I was afraid of him, the crazed look in his eyes haunted me; I hadn't seen anything like it before.

He looked as if he wanted to hurt me. Like he needed to to fulfill some need inside of himself. I couldn't risk leaving the bathroom and running into him, especially during PE.

I stepped out of the bathroom slowly; the wind swept through the hall; only a few people were left. I looked around, hoping to see any one of my friends, especially Kate. I saw no one I knew, and a whole new form of dread filled me. I went to my locker, running to get there; "Kate?" I called her name, hopeful that she was nearby, but she wasn't.

I opened my locker and grabbed my bag; I then remembered I would have to have an excuse the next day. My mind was shot, I thought in pieces, not contently wondering how I would get home. I only thought about how cold I was and how alone I felt; "Goddammit." I pulled my rucksack onto my shoulders and tugged the sleeves of my long sleeve down over my hands.

I began to see that the hall was now empty. I hurried off down the hall and across to the gym to get my coat. I paused when I saw that our mess was gone and so was my coat; "Fuck."

"I knew you'd be back." I heard Seth say behind me.

I spun to see him standing hear the carted basketballs. The fear shot through me, I was ready to make a run for it. I looked at him, then at the doors; I ran, but was caught too easily. Letting out a whimper, I pleaded, "Please, I'm sorry I pushed you. I just want to go home."

His arms encircled around my waist and pulled me against him in a tight grip. I swallowed and tried to wiggle away; I couldn't, my arms were imprisoned. "Where've you been, Naomi?"

"Please," I begged, "I just want to go!"

Seth's grip loosened to fool me; his arm tightened around my neck, placing me in a chokehold, and the other arm tugged at my clothes. I cried, my breathing cutting short, "Let...go." I panted.

Seth kept hushing me and pulled me back towards the bathrooms inside of the gym. I prayed in my head that he wouldn't do what I was thinking he would do. We were hidden in dim lighting, I could see the empty basketball court, silence except for our heavy breathing and Seth whispering dirty things into my ear. I relented and started to cry as his hand pulled my shirt up; "Please!" I managed to cry out.

Seth ignored me as his hand wandered up my chest and my breathing was heavy and harder to take. I shut my eyes as tears poured; I was going to throw up; "Stop!"

Seth kept telling me to hush; "You like this."

I let loose and cried, sobbed as hard as my body would allow. I thought I would pass out. His hand shoved inside the front of my jeans and the sobbing got harder. I cannot describe how violated I felt, how sick to my stomach I got; my vomit was stuck in my throat and I just wanted to die. The amount of things you're taught in school about predators, about what to do, never comes to you when things like this happen.

For one, you don't ever expect it to be someone who was a friend of yours. You don't imagine it to happen at a place where you're supposed to feel safe. And, you never, ever think it'll ever happen to you; I sure as hell didn't.

Finally, after my eyes fluttered closed and my mind fogged, I fell. Seth had dropped me, and I instantly vomited onto the floor. He muttered something and was gone; I was on my knees, my world tilted and fuzzy. I threw up until I fell onto my side; my coat was on my back, along with my rucksack. I stayed on the floor for what felt like an eternity; my head was blurred, I didn't know what was up or what was down.

When all was clear, my body shook, the button and fly of my jeans opened, I sat up on my knees. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and saw my watch; I pushed the light and saw it was well after 3. I staggered to my feet, putting my coat on and then my sack; I shakily button my jeans and began to leave the gym.

It was an out of body experience. I had no sense of what had happened or really where or who I was. I felt like a ghost with no name, no past, no future. The rain poured over me and I didn't pull my hood up, I walked; I walked and walked, my shoes soaked, squishing as I did so. I was entirely wet, as if I jumped into a pool with everything I wore.

As I got near my house, a car pulled up beside me, I heard my name over the hard pounding of rain around me; "Naomi!" It was Amy. "Naomi, honey, are you alright?!"

I stopped, my mind shot, I turned; Amy got out of the car and grabbed my shoulders and I jumped away from her, "Don't touch me!"

Amy stepped back, she too was getting wet; "Naomi...I'm not going to touch you..."

"I want to go home, okay? I'm fine." The words were forced.

"We've been looking for you, do you know what time it is?"

I looked at my watch; it was broken, wet, the numbers all stuck in static of messed up numerals. I shook my head to her question, "My watch is broken."

"It's almost 5. Where have you been?" Her words were slow and cautious.

"School." I answered. "School."

Amy's head bobbed slowly, "Come on, honey, I'm going to take you home."

I looked at the car and manage to move my heavy legs towards it. I got into the passenger seat; Amy got in and I began to apologize for getting her interior wet. "It's alright, it's just water." I could sense she was smiling but I wouldn't --couldn't, look at her.

Amy didn't say anything else as she drove the rest of the way to my house. I saw Babette's and Kate's cars at the curb; I held my breath and got out. I took a minute to force all the real and terrible feelings away and put on this mask of sarcasm and happiness to fool them.

Amy followed as I led the way in, seeing my two friends pacing a bit. Babette exhaled, "Thank god! Where were you?" She rushed over and engulfed me in a hug. "Oh, you're all wet."

I froze, but forced it away, "I'm so sorry. I...I got in trouble in my 5th period class and got detention."

Babette let me go, Kate looked at me wearily, "But, Derek didn't see you during 5th."

I shook my head, "I was there. He must've been busy or something."

You could see that Kate didn't believe me. I knew she wouldn't; Babette was starting to look at me with the same skepticism. "I'm sorry." I stressed to her.

Babette looked worried still, "Did someone hurt you?"

I shook my head vehemently, "No! No, I was just in detention."

"Naomi!" My dad's voice came in from behind me, "Where have you been?"

I turned around, "School."

"Why didn't you call?"

"I was in detention." My head was starting to hurt.

"Look at you," he grabbed my arms and I winced slightly, "You're soaking wet! Go upstairs and get warm."

I blinked, and looked at him, "Uh...okay." I looked at Babette, "I'm so sorry, Babette. I didn't mean to...I just...I had no control."

Babette nodded and hugged me again, despite how wet and cold I was. "It's alright, Naomi. We can do it some other time...please, don't worry about it."

Kate patted my shoulder, "Call me."

I nodded again as they left and me, Amy and my dad were alone. Amy came over to me, "Go on upstairs, Naomi, I'll take care of your clothes."

I shook my head, "I'll do it, thank you."

I pulled my shoes off and took them upstairs with me; my clothes were ultra heavy. Once I was in the safety of my bedroom, I took my clothes off and shoved them into my hamper. My underwear and bra, too; I planned to throw them away -those clothes needed to be destroyed. I dried off and put on some warm clothes; I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a bruise around my neck; my eyes widened, "Jesus Christ!" I cursed under my breath.

I put my hair up and looked at my neck; the bruise was around the front of my throat, blotchy red and quickly turning purple. I shut my eyes and prayed for it to go away. "Please go away." I begged.

I opened my eyes and it was still there. I held back tears and grabbed makeup; I patted foundation around it, it only faded a bit. I looked around for something else; nothing but a black long sleeve turtleneck I hated because it was so thick. I sacrificed my comfort and put it on, folding my t-shirt back into my drawer. As I slipped it on, I noticed the bruise that already formed around my wrist from my watch.

I felt sick at how much I was left of Seth; I had reminders of him on my skin, mind and clothing. I got up and went downstairs; my dad was talking to Amy; they both shut up when they saw me. I frowned, "Were you guys talking about me?"

My dad nodded, "Yeah. What happened at school?"

"I got smart with Mr. Lowe." I couldn't believe how easy I lied. "I got detention."

"No," my dad said, "You didn't. I called the school, they said you skipped your last 2 periods. Where were you?"

"I was at school!" That was the truth.

My dad was growing angry; "Naomi--"

"Lee," Amy cut him off; her eyes cut over to me, "Naomi, did someone hurt you?"

"No."

Amy's blue eyes were burning into mine; I felt hot and caught in the lie. "Naomi, it's okay, no one is upset with you."

"No one hurt me!" I snapped, "Stay out of this, alright? I skipped class because I got sick! I got my period and the nurse didn't have tampons." I was lying like I had a loaded gun to my head. "I was embarrassed so I stayed in the bathroom until school ended."

They believed it. They both looked at me with sympathetic notions.

"I'm sorry for jumping down your throat." My dad said.

"It's okay." I said shortly, wanting his sympathy to wave away. "I...could I borrow some money? I ruined my coat and watch."

My dad blinked, "What?"

"My watch got wet and my coat...it's...it's ruined." I muttered.

"You can have one of my old coats." He said, "I'll take you to buy a watch when the weather clears."

"Thanks." I said softly.

"I have some shoes," Amy spoke up, "Some Doc Martens if you want them? We wear the same size."

"Sure, thanks." I said softly. "I'm...I'm sorry for flying off...I don't feel good."

"Go back upstairs, lie down and I'll bring you some medicine and soup." My dad ordered with a small smile.

I obliged without a word and returned upstairs. I was like a zombie; really, I had no sense of how to feel. Should I be able to feel this way?; I thought; Seth didn't rape me, so I shouldn't be so upset, right? He did violate me, I never been so vulnerable before, I never had anyone do that to me before; I did not like it. Could I even get him in trouble? The thought of it all made me cringe and feel so embarrassed. It was my fault; I did flirt with him, I deserved this. I did; for lying and being an idiot.