Take This to Your Grave

The lights were still off when Pete decided to take me home. He drove slowly, the both us silent. I was on cloud 9, happy as can be. He looked relaxed, as of nothing was bothering him. I looked at him intently, my head tilted a bit.

I didn't know what to say; I didn't want to say something dumb. So, I stayed quiet and watched the road ahead like himself. When we got towards my house, the rain was letting up, and once more, I lingered in the car.

Pete and I looked at each other, my stomach tightened in knots. Without warning, he leaned over the seat and kissed me. My back pressed into the seat, and I nearly melted into a puddle. His hand moved to push my hair back behind my ear, his thumb then ran over my cheek bone; he pulled back, our lips parting with an audible smack. I exhaled deeply, "Thanks."

He let out a small laugh, "You're welcome."

I kissed his cheek, "I'll see you later."

He grinned like a fool, "Yeah, see ya, Navy."

I got out the car, tugging my rucksack up my shoulder and jogged up to my house. I opened the door and stepped inside; there were candles lit and light snoring. "Dad?"

"Hmm?" His voice was heavy.

"I'm home."

"Okay. There's some pizza in the oven. Did the lights come on yet?"

I snickered, "No, dad."

He yawned, "Alright. I'm gonna just sleep here until they come back on."

"Okay."

I set my rucksack on the floor near the coat rack and hung up my coat. I went to the kitchen, the entire space was lit up with large white candles that smelled like vanilla. I went to the oven and got the pizza out; as I ate it slowly, my thoughts and body were going over what I had done with Pete.

I didn't regret it one bit. I am madly in love with Pete and there was no way around it. My body, heart and mind yearned for him; not entirely in a sexual way, more so in the way of a need. I needed him like oxygen, but not to that extent. He was like a drug to me, the only thing I thought I would ever need.

Pete could protect me. Save me from all the bad and take me away from here. I only wanted him, that was it.

I went upstairs with a candle and my pizza; I set the candle and pizza on my desk and then grabbed my notebook. My head was buzzing, I had to document this day. I flipped the pages, but stopped when I had found the entry I had made about Pete when I had first met him.

There's this guy; Pete, who lives next door to me. He's scary, but not in the way you should be scared of him. He's what you would call a "bad boy". He's got tattoos, this cute little bat on his pelvis, and this amazing honey colored eyes. He wears woman's eyeliner; black, smeared around his eyes. I think maybe he's gay... He's cute, though.

I smiled and skipped past it. I grabbed my pen, sat down and began to write. First, I wrote the date and quickly scribbled;

I'm madly in love. I think my entire body is floating. Is this real life? I should pinch myself just to make sure. I never thought I would ever feel this way about a boy.
It's like a sweet avalanche that's swept me under. I'm happy. I've forgotten about Seth; I don't feel him on me anymore.
When Pete touched me, I felt whole again. That's it! I feel whole! I'm in love and I'm so happy, I could scream it from my roof.
I can't, I'm afraid someone might hear me.
I wouldn't take it back, though. I wouldn't. None of this, I wouldn't take it back.

I shut the notebook and shoved it back into my drawer. I swirled in my desk chair and stared at the stars on my ceiling. I smiled, grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm in love." I murmured to myself; I was melting again.


The lights were repaired early the next morning; I woke up to the radiator chattering and my dad muttering about snow. I went downstairs to see him still muttering and hearing up last night's pizza. I sat at the counter, not fully aware that I was grinning; he called me out on it: "What's that grin for?"

I shrugged, "I'm just happy."

"'Cause it's gonna start snowing?"

I hummed, "Yeah." I lied; just a white lie.

"I've got to go in today," he said as he pulled the warmth pizza from the microwave, "I don't want you here alone, so, go to Kate's."

I nodded, "Alright, I'll call her after I shower and eat."

He bit into his pizza and gave a nod.

I had taken a slice, shoved it down and then went upstairs to get ready. I had called Kate after, asking if I could come over; "Sure, Pete's here."

I smiled again, "Great."

She giggled, "When will you be here?"

"Half hour. My dad doesn't want me to be alone while he has to go to work."

"Alright, see you in a few."

I hung up and took my time getting ready; by this time my dad had shouted up to me that he was leaving; I shouted back and listened to him walk out the door and then start his car a moment after. I finished getting ready, making sure I was as warm as possible, and then headed out the door. I walked down the block, making my way towards Kate's when a car pulled up next to me. I rolled my eyes at Pete as he rolled the window down; "Kate warned me." He said.

I scoffed and climbed into the car; the look on his face was a very pleased one. I raised my brow as he drove off, "What's with that look?" I asked as I rubbed my bare hands together.

"Do you know how good it feels to stop caring about someone who doesn't care about you?" He asked happily.

"Not really." I answered.

He smiled at me, "I broke up with Leah. You should've seen her face."

My brows shot up, "Wow."

He shook his head, I knew he was going to start talking really, really fast. "Last night, it fuckin' clicked for me. I was the happiest I ever been in a long time; I'm still fuckin' happy, my fuckin' cheeks hurt."

I laughed at his excessive use of the word fuck.

"I just..." He trailed a moment, "I'm miserable when I'm with her. When I'm with you, I'm happy...I feel naturally high, ya know what I mean? I don't think I could ever be this happy with anyone else."

I bit down on my lip, "I don't know what to say."

Pete exhaled, "I love you, Naomi. I mean it. I...I never knew how good it would feel to say those words to another person. I know this'll sound cheesy as hell, but...you make me feel whole, Naomi. You really do, and I'm not bullshitting you."

Little tears sprang into my eyes, and the only thing that popped into my head was: "I feel like that too. I don't feel empty anymore."

He looked over at me, still smiling, "Don't cry, Navy."

I shrugged, letting the tears fall, "I can't help it. I'm such a girl."

He and I shared a laugh. A second later, he slowed at a stop sign; he leaned over and kissed me deeply. My heart was full and my head was dizzy, spinning.

I wasn't sad anymore.

Pete and I parted mutually, though we almost had gone back to it. Pete drove off, my head was still swimming and hazy. That's all I can truly say; I was in a haze of happiness.

I know that loving someone would always come with some cons, especially if he's older than you. I know that most wouldn't understand, most would think I was crazy. Most would say it won't feel like love all the time; I knew that, because I've seen relationships go from honeymoon to depressing endings. My dad felt it, my mom had (though, I was just a kid), and I knew that I wouldn't always feel this way. I knew that I would stop floating on this cloud, but I knew I would be hopelessly happy with Pete.

I could also pray that I would. I wanted to keep this honeymoon stage, stay stuck in love with him. I don't think I could ever imagine me being with anyone but him.

Our hands fit so perfect together; our minds worked the same. We were the same, but different; it's truly hard to explain. Pete gets me in the ways I'd ever get myself.

I love him more than myself, and still that isn't enough. Maybe I'm crazy, but it didn't matter to me. I'm crazy, and I don't give a damn.

I wish I had the right words to tell Pete, to tell him how I felt. But, actions were louder than words, especially for us. I could wrap my arms around him and he could tell; when we had gotten to his empty apartment, I had wrapped my arms tightly around him and pressed my forehead to his collar. He rubbed my back and kissed the side of my head, over my hair, "I love you, too." He murmured.

We spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies; until his roommate Tim arrived and then I had to go because they had to go practice. I sat in the back of Pete's car, Tim up front, as they drove to Chris and Kate's. Once we arrived, I had hugged him again, lingering as the dark, thick clouds sounded with thunder.

"Want me to walk you home?" He asked.

I shook my head, "Nah, I'm fine."

He cupped my cheeks and gave me a sweet kiss. My stomach fluttered with butterflies; "I'll see you tomorrow." He promised.

I gave a nod, "Good luck."

He smiled, "Thanks. G'night."

I let him go, my hand trailed down his arm as I began to walk off, "'Night, Pete."