Take This to Your Grave

"Can I stay here?"

"Yeah."

Pete and I barely moved since he had picked me up. We lay in his bed, sometimes speaking, most of the time in silence. I wasn't really sure what to say, other than that I was sorry and how much of a fuck up I thought I was. Pete told me to stop saying sorry and that he loved me. I couldn't be anymore grateful for him.

But, as the day dwindled and the crickets sounded loudly outside, I knew that I didn't want to go home. I couldn't be alone, I knew I wouldn't be okay on my own. Besides, all the thinking would drive me nuts and I'd rather be with Pete.

"Are you hungry?" He asked after awhile.

"No, but you can go eat if you want."

Pete looked at me with an unsure look, "Sure?"

I gave a small nod.

He kissed my temple and got up from the bed; I scooted back, pressing my back to the headboard and shut my eyes for a moment. My head was swollen with thoughts and ideas; my future and my plans were slowly withering away. I wasn't sure what I'd want to do now, but it'd have to be something. I wouldn't go to school so I would have to get a job, and my dad would probably kick me out -and I was sure he would mean it this time.

Pete came back, breaking my thoughts apart; he sat beside me, and set a plate between us; there was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut in half, "Stop thinking so much." He told me and handed me half of the sandwich.

I took it and then bit; "I can't help it."

"I know you can't, but try." He smiled at me, and then began to eat, too. "What're you thinkin' about now?"

"I have to get a job...a real one." I mumbled as I set the sandwich down, "No more of this modeling crap."

Pete looked at me, almost sorry in the way his eyes met mine; "Look, I'm not saying that you should...but, this'll be solved if...uh, you know, um, if you got an abortion."

"Yeah, I know." I fingered the comforter. "Do you think I should?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

He shook his head, "No."

"Why not?"

"I...I don't know...I mean, I wouldn't want it to happen, not to you. Plus, this baby could be a good thing."

I looked at him for a long time; I was trying to speak telepathically to him. We could not have this baby, and I wish I could verbalized it. You could see the optimism in his eyes and I wish that I could feel it, too.

"Whatever you want, though, Naomi."

I bit at my lip, "Pete...we can't keep this baby."

"I understand." He looked away from me.

I leaned over and kissed the corner of his mouth, "I'm sorry, Pete."

He smiled a little, "It's alright, Naomi. Beside, one day we're gonna have a bunch of kids."

I rolled my eyes, making him chuckle, "You wish."

We were quiet for a moment, and then Pete looked at me again, "When do you want--when do you want to do it?"

"This weekend." I murmured. "Will you come with me?"

He nodded, "Yeah, sure."

"I don't want to tell my dad," I added, "I just want to get it over as soon as possible."

Pete tweaked his lips; "Are you scared?"

"Yes, but," I exhaled, "We can't raise a baby right now."

"I wish things could be different." He murmured.

"Me too."

Pete put the plate on his bedside table; "I want you to be honest with me, Naomi."

I raised a brow, but nodded, "Yeah?"

"Do you hate me?"

I narrowed my eyes, "What? No, why would I hate you? And if I did, would I be here?"

Pete shrugged, "I'm not sure. I don't want to break up over this."

"Well, I don't want to break up with you, I never wanted to. We just started, really, really just started without anyone giving us hell. Why would I end that?"

"I don't understand girls, I probably never will."

"Understand that just because I don't think it's wise to have kids right now that it means that I don't want you."

"Yeah, I understand."

I sighed, "Maybe if this was happening 5 years from now I would be okay, but it's not."

"I'm sorry we're in this, Naomi."

"So am I."

Again, we were quiet.

"Are you okay with this?" I asked him.

"To be honest, I'm not sure."

"I don't know what to do, but I know that we shouldn't keep this baby. I...I'm sorry."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "It's okay. You don't have anything to be sorry about."


I could barely sleep the rest of the evening. I was thinking about this baby and what our future would be. My mom also came to mind; she had told me a lot about her life without me, when I was a baby, and it made my head split.

To keep this baby or not. I knew that I shouldn't and couldn't take care of a baby. Hell, I could barely take care of myself, so how in God's name would I take care of a child. Pete, too, was so immature and very childish when it came to being responsible. You can't just grow up into an adult in less than 9 months.

I didn't want to have to go through pregnancy, because I knew I'd grow attached. If I would give birth and then try and give the baby up for adoption, I knew I'd regret it terribly. I just could not do such a thing.

Yes, yes, I am selfish and pitiful, but this is what I had to do.

I had made Pete promise not to tell anyone; as I didn't tell a soul. The only people who knew were Babette and Chris; that's all who needed to know. They didn't really say anything about it, because it was touchy, and they knew it.

As the day passed and I had to go home and see my folks, I felt like I had a large neon sign above my head. It's hard to keep a secret that you're literally holding inside of you. I had managed to keep all the illness behind my dad's back and under Amy's nose. I only needed to survive less than 2 days.

It seemed as if life was one big blur and it was in slow motion. Even though the days were slow, they went by fast, and I was suddenly faced with a Friday and being with Kate and Julian.

"Are you alright?" Kate had waved her hand in my face.

The two of us were at the park, walking Julian before we would return to her house for her surprise party. Of course, she hasn't known, so I was instructed to keep her busy. I managed to get her out without suspicion.

"Sorry, I've got a lot on my mind." I dug my hands into my shorts.

Kate stopped the stroller near a bench where we sat and then she twirled the stroller around to face us. Julian was asleep, his pacifier in her mouth and his face relaxed; he is such a cute baby.

"What's up?" She asked me, "You look sick."

"I, uh...I don't know."

I wasn't sure if I should've told her or not, I wanted to, but I didn't at the same time.

"You're lying." She sang.

I smiled reluctantly, "It's hard to explain."

"Try me." She hummed and crossed her arms.

I looked at her and tried to read her face, "Tomorrow..." I tried to think of how to say it exact, "Uh...I'm going to the clinic...I'm pregnant."

Her brows shot up, "Oh, wow."

I sighed, "Yeah...I'm nipping it in the bud."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Pete and I talked about it and we agreed that this'll be good."

"Did you tell your dad?"

"No. I want to get this done before I change my mind and have to tell him."

"What did Pete say?"

I shrugged, "He said that he supports whatever I want."

"Are you scared?"

"Not really...well, a little. But, I'd rather do this than worry later on."

"It's definitely not easy, but at least you have Pete there."

I blinked and wondered for a minute or so; "Do you think it would be easier raising a baby with him?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, but it would be a lot easier for me of Eric had stepped up."

I thought for a moment, "Should I keep this baby?"

"It's not for me to say."

"I'm asking from your point of view, Kate."

"I think it would be easy, but I wouldn't have a baby right now. Shit is hard enough as it is, plus I know that you'd rather go to school."

"So, you don't think this is crazy of me to do?"

She shook her head, "Not at all."

"Would you do it?" I asked her this curiously.

Kate shrugged, "Probably not, I love Julian."

I smiled, "He is a cutie."

"I would change who his father is, though." She gave a laugh.

"Do you think Pete'd make a good dad?"

She scoffed, "Wentz is like a child himself, so probably."

I shook my head to myself, smiling still, "Yeah, yeah, I bet."

Kate exhaled, "Alright, lets get back to this surprise party."

I gawked, "You know?"

She grinned wickedly, "Now I do."

I glared jokingly at her, "You bitch."

She tugged my arm, "C'mon, lets get goin', I want cake."

I got up and followed Kate out of the park. The entire walk back to her house, my only thought was if I should go through with it. It was a titter-totter motion in my head.