Take This to Your Grave

The following day, Saturday, I anticipated Pete picking me up to go to the clinic. I was nervous as hell, waiting in my bedroom got him to come knocking. My dad and Amy were downstairs getting the final touched for their wedding done; I was praying that they wouldn't think anything suspicious. I knew that I would have to be bedridden for a few days and I had told my dad that I would be with Pete for the weekend. He didn't seem to think anything of it.

Pete had finally gotten there and I hurried down the stairs with my bag full with some clothes. I said a quick goodbye before heading out with Pete. Inside the car, we were quiet, but I could sense there was something brewing inside of Pete.

"What's up?" I asked him softly.

He cleared his throat, "I'm worried about you."

I bit at my lip and inched my hand over to his hands on the steering wheel and took his right hand in mine; "I'll be fine."

"I know you will, but I'll always worry." He said with a small smile.

"Thank you for caring."

He chuckled, "You don't have to thank me, ya'know."

Again, the ride was silent and my head was blank.


Pete's hand held mine as we sat together, quiet inside of the clinic. The Stone Roses played on the radio at the reception desk; I Wanna Be Adored. I couldn't focus, thank the heavens, because I liked the song, but it also, out of the blue, reminded me of my mom.

I had sudden memories and thoughts of her. Thoughts and memories that I wanted to tell Pete. I squeezed his hand, and swallowed, "My mom told me that once you know you're pregnant, it stays with you."

He looked down, not at me.

"She says it doesn't matter if you have it or not, it sticks in your head forever. The what-ifs." I couldn't stop myself from telling him the things she had said and done. "She got married to another man when I was a toddler...when she graduated from NYU. He used to beat her up."

Finally, he looked up at me, "Did he hit you?"

I shook my head, "I was still with my dad."

"Do you remember him?"

Again, I shook my head, "No. I do remember that he had a country name, like Jim-Bob or Jimbo, something with Jim in it. Anyway," I swallowed again, my eyes marveling at the square linoleum flooring patterns, "She got pregnant and she didn't want to have the baby, so she had an abortion." Tears swelled up in my eyes, they fell willingly, "She said she hated herself for it, that she knew God was upset at her for it. She said she felt selfish, that it stuck with her...I think even today."

"Do you not want to do this, Navy?" He whispered.

I shrugged, "I don't know. I'm...I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't love this baby or want him or her when they're here. I'm afraid I'll lose you, I'm afraid how my dad'll treat me, how life'll be with this baby. And, then, the selfish part of me wants to do this to go to school, do something, be something, and be with you. I don't want Kate's life...I want my own."

"If you keep this baby," he turned in his seat to look at me; he grabbed both of my hands, "Shit won't be different--"

"Yes it will." I said over him. "Yes it will. I won't be able to go to school, I'll be stuck in Chicago...we won't be together anymore, we'll hate each other and I'll just be this girl--"

He pressed his lips to mine, shutting me up. I felt incredibly sad, so many different ways of feeling bad for speaking and telling the truth. Pete just kissed me, not seeming to care one bit; he pulled back, one hand coming up to cup my cheek; "You won't be some girl to me, Naomi, ever, even if there was no baby, I don't think I could ever stop and forget about you. I love you from..." He paused, "What's the farthest planet from Earth?"

I giggled, "Neptune."

"Shut the fuck up. How do you know that?"

"Bill Nye the Science Guy."

He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkled, "I love you from here to Neptune."

"But, I like Pluto the best." I said facetiously.

He grumbled with another small laugh, "Okay. I love you from Pluto and back, Naomi. I swear. "

My stomach knotted, "You promise me?"

He nodded, "I promise."

I licked over my lips, "What do we do then?"

"You can move in with me..." He trailed, his hand squeezing mine, "Save some money, and then we can get our own place and raise the baby."

"What about school?" I asked.

"We can go still, you know, and when you have the baby I can watch them when you go and vice versa. If we're both busy, I'm sure my mom wouldn't mind watching them."

I sighed, my nerves picking up, "I've never been so scared before."

Pete wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "It'll be okay, I promise."

I shook my head, "What about your bands? What about your career--"

He cut me off, "We'll talk about it when we come to it, alright? Right now, you're the only thing that I care about."

My stomach was still in knots, "Okay."

He kissed my lips quickly, "Do you want to go, or are you still thinking about it?"

I took a moment to answer; just about to answer when the nurse called my name. I looked up, but not at her. I stood and tugged Pete's hand, "Lets go. I'm hungry."

Pete chuckled and stood, wrapping his arm around my waist. I could believe what I was doing. Heaven forgive me.


Pete and I parked in the parking lot of the lake, having ate our food. I was thinking deeply while he was fiddling with his radio; it kept messing up. He was distracted while I was thinking like I always seem to do.

Finally, I asked him, "Do you feel trapped?"

Pete hummed, slamming his opened palm against the face of the stereo; "Trapped? Aren't I the one who trapped you?" He replied with a small smile.

"I feel like I trapped you...I was the one who didn't take precaution."

Pete sat back, "Eh, you'd think birth control could prevent it all. Besides, it doesn't matter to me, Naomi; I felt trapped -and I mean this in a good way," I laughed. "I felt trapped since the moment I laid my eyes on you. You tore right through me with those big beautiful brown eyes of yours."

I laughed again, placing my head against the head rest, "Shut up."

"It's true, baby," he enthused humorously, "You've got the prettiest eyes I've ever seen. Homey eyes, they make me feel at home."

"You make me feel at home, too. I could go anywhere...any place," I sniffled and rubbed my eyes. "Long drives to nowhere...I'd think of you and my stomach cramps and my heart beats really fast, and then I feel like I'm back at home, falling in love with you for the first time."

Pete looked over at me, his hands leaving his stereo, "What was that like?"

"It was like someone hit me in the face." I muttered.

Pete laughed, "It felt like a freight train hit me."

"Wow." I laughed.

"It was cool." He shrugged. "I've only been hit by a freight train once before, but I think yours hit the hardest."

I rolled my eyes, "Shut up."

"It's true." Pete grinned. "Andy was telling me that I love you and then I realized it and I was it."

"When?"

"August." He replied softly, "August of last year is when I knew I was madly in love with you."

"Two months after we met, that should be a record." I giggled.

"Nah, I think when I first looked at you is when I stepped in front of the train and then August is when I was obliterated."

I shook my head, "You and your metaphors."

"At least I'm describing it well."

I bit at my lip, "Our kid is gonna love these stupid stories."

He laughed, "Especially when they see the videos of me doing dumb shit."

I grimaced, "Oh God. I am never going to let you be alone with them when they're older, who knows what weird stuff you'll get them into."

Pete smirked at me, "You won't know. Me and that kid have a bond already."

I shook my head, "You wish."

Pete put his hand to my stomach and was quiet for a minute. "Bond formed, now you can't break us apart."

I laughed again, "Okay, whatever you say."

Pete leaned over and kissed me, "I won't do anything gross around them, alright?"

"Deal, Peter." I felt my cheeks warm and my stomach knot continuously.

"Do you think we should get married?" He asked after a second.

"Upstage my folks? Oh yeah." I muttered sarcastically.

He gave me a serious look, "I'm being for real."

I objected, shaking my head, "Not yet...I want to wait until we tell our parents."

He sighed, "When do you think we should?"

"After the wedding." I murmured.

"Gives me enough time to learn how to fight your beastly old man."

I snorted, "He wouldn't beat you up...he'd shoot you first."

Pete frowned at me, "Don't joke like that."

I patted his cheek, "I'm kiddin', Pete."

He kissed me again, "Still, don't joke like that. I might have to make you runaway with me to avoid death."

I smiled, "One day we'll runaway."

He nodded, smiling back at me, "I know."