Take This to Your Grave

I knew that things between Pete and I were coming to an end when I was happy he was touring with the band. I couldn't believe how happy and well rested I felt when I fell asleep in our bed by myself. I didn't feel any heavy weight on my shoulders when I was with my friends or when I was working. I actually had money saved up, I wasn't sick and tired, but I did miss Pete a lot. The phone calls were enough, but I felt a little lonely when he would have to go.

When he returned home all I wanted to do was keep him wrapped up in my arms and sleep with him. I think it was a battle within me that was heavy between loneliness and neediness. I needed him just as much as I didn't need him. Pete made me happy and mad; he made me want to kill him, but I knew once he was gone I'd miss him so much.

I just couldn't take the constant battle, and so, I figured that maybe we needed to break up. I just wasn't sure how things would go; we needed a break, that's what it was. Not a break where he was off on the East coast doing shows, I mean, he needed to know that he and I needed space.

Just after the first semester of my second year, the lease on our apartment was coming up, and I had thought about telling Pete that I wanted to break up. He was living on a high, after recording their first little album, in which he wrote a lot about me and his exes. This had prompted me to end our relationship amicably, to avoid any lows. I had it all figured out, and I had practiced the speech in my head; I was at home, when he came in calling my name excitedly, "Navy! Navy, guess what!"

I had stopped the reciting in my head when he stumbled into the living room, panting, holding his phone in his hand, "What?" I asked quizzically.

He panted, and sat on the couch, "We got a call today from these guys from Fueled By Ramen, you know who they are right?"

I shook my head, "Not really."

He smiled, "We got signed! We got a deal! Me, the band, the guys, Navy! They're giving us money and shit to go to Wisconsin and write a record!"

My eyes widened and I grinned at him, "For real, Pete? Congrats, babe!"

I pulled him into a hug as he laughed happily; "Fuck, this awesome!"

"I'm so proud of you!" I kissed him; immediately, my plan had filtered away, but I felt guilty.

"I told you, Navy, that this was gonna be something."

I nodded, kissing him again, "I'm so happy for you, baby."

He grinned at me, "Thank you. Thank you so much for takin' care of me and shit, ya'know. I wouldn't be here without you."

I could actually feel my heart ache; "Yes you would."

"Thanks for believing in me." He said softly.

I hugged Pete once more, "Congratulations, again, Pete."

He sighed contently, "Thank you, Naomi."

I held off on breaking up with Pete until a week before we was to leave to Wisconsin. It was February ('03) and I was helping him pack. Our lease was up, and I finally said to him that I didn't want to renew it.

"I'm only gonna be gone until April." He said softly.

I sighed and bit the bullet, "Pete, I think I need to go home."

He had looked at me, "Go home?"

"To my parents...I think we should...break up."

The look on his face was one if skepticism, "No."

I frowned, "Yes. I think me and you just need some space."

"No we don't." He said this stubbornly, shaking his head.

"I can't do it anymore, Pete."

"Do what?"

That's when tears sprung and my heart began to race, "You and I aren't like how we used to be. We need a break."

Pete blinked, "Is it some other guy? Is it because I'm leaving?"

I shook my head slowly, "I don't want anyone but you...but Pete, I need a break. I can't stress anymore. Do you know how happy I get when you aren't here? Do you know how upset that makes me feel that I actually get happy when you leave? That's the worst thing in the world, but doesn't mean I don't love you."

His face was blank now. I waited for him to start snapping and calling me names, but he didn't. Pete sighed, "If that's what you want."

"It's what we need." I added quickly. "I love you, and you know that."

"I do know that." He leaned over and kissed my cheek, "I love you too."

"You can always call me, come see me--this break doesn't mean that we have to be strangers."

"Never." He mumbled.

I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his cheek, "I'll always be here when you need me. I'll come and see you when you get back from recording."

He hummed softly and gave a slow nod, "Promise?"

"I promise."

That was it. Pete and I parted and moved out of the apartment. He went to Wisconsin with the band, and when he got back to Willmett he got his own place with Joe, Patrick and Andy. I returned to my parents' house, baby sitting Abbey during the day while Amy worked. My dad was very happy to have me home; "You know I missed you."

I had told him that I missed being home too, which I did. Taking care of Abbey was great, she loved when I sang with her and took her with me shopping or to hang out with Kate, Babette or Bilvy. When I went to see Pete, she loved to look at his tattoos and she loved to be held by him. Pete was kind of hesitant to hold her, but once he did, he held her in his lap until we left.

Things between us were on an okay, steady level; he missed me and I missed him, but we knew that this is what was needed. We were friends again, and I think that was better than us being lovers. I tried not to be too upset when he started to date other girls. I mean, we weren't together anymore, so he could do whatever he wanted, but that doesn't mean it didn't sting just a little. I made a lot of excuses not to go to shows or hang out with him when he was alone with his latest girlfriend.

I did go to their first show when Take This To Your Grave was released. There was a bunch of kids there, and I was able to get backstage of the Metro with Kate and Chris. Pete was talking with some kids, so I didn't bother him; I went over to Patrick, who was with his girlfriend, Junie, and gave him a hug; "Hey! Congrats, Patrick."

He smiled, "Thanks, Naomi. Did you see the show?"

"Yeah, you guys were great as usual." I told him. I looked around, "Look at all the fans."

He chuckled, "Yeah, it's amazing."

Before I could say anything else, I felt hands over my eyes. I smiled, "Guess who."

I laughed softly, "Hello Peter."

His palms dropped and he quickly spun me around, "Hello Navy."

I hugged him, "Congrats, again."

He squeezed my body against his tightly, "I missed you."

"Yeah, I missed you, too."

He let me go, "Can we talk in private?"

I shrugged, "Sure."

Pete took me off towards the back, out the exit, where it was completely quiet, except for the sounds of cars driving by the off ramp. The back area was lit up with two street lamps; an orange glow filtered around us.

"How's everything going?" I asked him.

He sighed, "Great. We're going on more tours..." He trailed, "Uh, we're strugglin', Chris' van is holding up, though."

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

He nodded, "Yeah, I am."

I smiled again, "Good, all I want for you is to be happy."

He rubbed his neck, "Have you listened to the record yet?"

"No yet," I told him, and grabbed my bag, "I just bought it out front earlier. I got a t-shirt too."

He laughed, "Not the booty shorts or thong?"

"They ran out." I told him with a small smirk.

"I can get you a pair if you want."

"No thanks."

Pete smiled, "I'm in town for a few days, do you wanna hang out?"

I raised a brow, "Don't you have a girlfriend?"

He shook his head, "Just girls who I hang out with."

I hummed skeptically, "I'd like to, but I have to watch the munchkin tomorrow morning."

"Can I see you tomorrow? You can bring Abbey along." He murmured.

"Sure."

He stepped closer to me and unexpectedly kissed me. I didn't push him back; I had wanted to kiss him for the longest time.

We parted after a few heated minutes; he pressed his forehead against mine, "I love you." He mumbled against my lips.

My stomach fluttered, "I love you, too."

It was hard to let Pete go. I don't think I could ever, even if I truly wanted to.