I've Abandoned Control

Desperately looking through the crowd of people I searched for his face. Having no luck I decided to call his cell to see where he was at in the airport. I told him the exact time my flight landed so I knew he was here somewhere. Without even a hello he answered “just keep walking straight I see you.” As I kept walking I felt a smile appear on my face as I seen him standing in front of me. Just a dark hooded figure in the corner with his sunglasses on, trying his best not to be recognized. I ran towards him and threw my arms around his neck taking in his scent. I missed him so much and I wasn’t even away for more than 72 hours. I leaned up and kissed his lips, he seemed kind of hesitant to kiss me back, but I didn’t care. I was back with my man, the only place I wanted to be.

“I’ve missed you so much.” He looked down at me with a smile, kissed my nose and replied, “Ditto.”

We walked hand in hand out of the airport with pure luck that no one recognized him. The ride home consisted of me doing most of the talking. I didn’t realize I hadn’t shut up since we got into the car. He hardly seemed interested in what I was saying and he was being very distant towards me.

“Is there something wrong Jared? You haven’t hardly spoken to me at all. Did I do or say something wrong?” I asked.

He waited a few seconds and responded “No sweetheart You didn’t do anything. When we get home I want us to sit down and talk okay. I’m glad you’re back home though.” He turned back around and stared out the window.

I had no idea what was going on, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, but I knew something was wrong. “Okay.” I said.

He sent my mind into a frenzy. I started thinking of what all it could be, but he said nothing was wrong. What could have possibly happened in the 2 days I was away?

“How are you feeling by the way? Did Paige come over and check on you? I called and asked her to but I haven’t heard from her since then.”

He remained silent. Just by looking at him he seemed to be feeling better. After we pulled up to the house I told Jared we would talk after I got a quick shower. He just nodded and made his way into the house. While in the shower I tried to tell myself it’s nothing and I was overreacting. I stepped out and headed to the bedroom to put on some comfortable clothes.

Flying all day in a pencil skirt and blouse and heels is only tolerable for so long. I walked through the house to look for Jared. I found him in the living room sitting motionless on the couch staring at the logs burning in the fireplace. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Okay… Let’s talk! Something is obviously wrong here!” I said as I crashed down beside him on the couch. As soon as I sat down he got up and stood in front of me. He looked me right in the eyes pointing at me with an aggressive tone to his voice he said, “I don’t want you to open your mouth until I’m finished talking okay!” he waited for me to comply.

He took a deep breath and let it all out. “I took a lot of cold medicine Saturday night, probably too much! Paige came over to check on me like you asked. We ate and talked. She was in the middle of telling me about some story of you two back in Tennessee when I started feeling really weird. Her words were running together and I got really dizzy. She was looking into my eyes asking if I was okay. I swear that medicine fucked my head up. I couldn’t see anything but her eyes Jana and they looked exactly like yours. Before we both knew it I reached up and kissed her. Shannon came in and saw what was happening. He left mad. She left crying. I just missed you so much! I just hope you can forgive me.”

He stood froze in front of me waiting on a response. I couldn’t believe what just came out of his mouth. I never thought he would do this to me. I didn’t care right then that he was affected by his medicine or not. I had a million thoughts running through my mind. I didn’t say one word to him though.

With tears streaming down my face I slowly made my way to the bedroom. I grabbed my gym bag out of the closet and started putting my clothes and other things in there. He soon followed me and stood in the doorway.

“Please don’t go Jana.” he pleaded. “I need you here tonight. I know I fucked up okay but don’t leave. JUST SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING!”

I threw my hand up to motion for him to stop talking. I didn’t want to hear his voice or see his face. I was disgusted. There I was, away on work missing the man I love like crazy, and he was kissing my best friend. I grabbed my bag and slipped my shoes on and started to walk out of the bedroom. He put his arm across the doorway so I couldn’t get out. I shot an angry look at him. He put his head down and slowly moved his arm back to his side. I grabbed my purse and keys from the bar in the kitchen and made my way to the front door. I looked back at him and he was still standing in the doorway to his bedroom. I walked out closing the door behind me.

As I walked down the road to my apartment I couldn’t control my tears. I was halfway home when I realized Paige would be there. I knew she didn’t have to work tonight. I couldn’t be around her or Jared right now. So I decided to call the only person that must know how I felt right now.

“Hey will you come get me? I can’t go home right now.” He didn’t ask any questions. “Yeah I’ll be right there.” I told him where I was and sat down on the curb waiting on Shannon to pick me up.