I've Abandoned Control

It had been almost 2 weeks since we had returned home from Bali and things still weren’t right between me and Jared. I turned into the exact person I told myself I would never be, a jealous wife. I didn’t trust him although he never gave me another reason not to. Every time he went out, I blew his phone up, asking him a million questions about where he was, who he was with and everything else my mind imagined. I kept telling myself to calm down and give him some space, because in the back of my mind I knew he loved me and I could trust him, but I couldn’t control my nerves when he was away. If I kept this up I would definitely push him away and I was about to endure the worst of it, because he leaves tomorrow morning on a small radio tour and he will be gone for 2 weeks.

He had pretty much started ignoring me all together and focused his full attention on Ella, which was fine, but it didn’t help out how I was feeling about us. I wanted him to talk to me, to make me feel better, but he didn’t acknowledge our situation until the night before he left.

“Jana I can’t keep doing this, walking on egg shells around you, afraid I’m going to get yelled at for doing NOTHING, because face it that’s exactly what I have done since we’ve been back, NOTHING!” he said to me as I watched him pace back and forth. Paige and Shannon took Ella along on their hike to give Jared and I some time to ourselves.

I explained to him how I felt and my words sent him into a fit of rage. He picked up some dishes and threw them down, sending glass scattering across the kitchen floor.

“What the fuck do you mean I don’t pay you enough attention anymore? All I fuckin’ do is try to make you happy! I know what happened in Bali didn’t help matters, but that’s old news Jana, I’ve done nothing but try to gain your trust back!” his anger frightened me.

“I know deep down I trust you Jared, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like when you’re here you ignore me, and when you leave I have to know what you are doing 24/7.” He went over to the sink and rinsed out a wash cloth and brought it over to me.

“Here, Let me see your foot.” he said as he led me over to the bar stool and propped my foot on the chair next to me to press it over my cut skin. Apparently in the midst of his tantrum, a piece of glass had cut the top of my foot.

After it had stopped bleeding as badly, he made his way to the end of the bar to sit down. I watched him as he held his head in his hands. He looked at me to catch me staring at him and smiled softly. I wish I could replay that moment forever, because I thought my life had come to a complete halt when he spoke his next words.

“I think we should separate.” he said. I immediately thought to myself how I could convince him to change his mind. What could I possibly do to make this right again?

“I think that this is for the best. Maybe by the time I get back from this tour, things will be better. I hope they will be, but Jana I’m telling you if you keep this up, we will have to get a divorce or something. I love you and you have nothing to worry about with me, I promise.” I couldn’t even get a grasp on his words. Thoughts were running through my head but my mouth wouldn’t let me say them.

“I don’t want you to think that while I’m gone it’s going to be a big party, none of that will go on. I’ll still call to check up on Ella, but that will be as far as our conversation will go. These 2 weeks is a test of our relationship, it’ll either make us or break us.” After he said what he needed to say, he retreated to the bedroom to finish packing, while I cleaned the kitchen up.

The rest of the evening was spent mainly in silence between us. The only interaction we made with one another dealt with Ella. We played with her until she fell asleep in Jared’s arms. After he laid her in her crib, he went straight to bed.

I must’ve fallen asleep at some point last night because I woke up on the couch. When I awoke it was abnormally quiet in the house. I got up and searched the house, I found Paige playing with Ella in the nursery and Jared and Shannon was outside loading the shuttle van that awaited them to go to the airport.

I stepped outside to see Jared off while Shannon went inside to tell Paige goodbye one last time before they left.

“Well I guess this is everything. I kissed baby girl before I came out here, so tell her I love her okay. Just for the record I was going to wake you in case you thought I wasn’t.” he said as I stared into his blue eyes.

“I will, just be careful okay. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you hadn’t woke me up.” I said trying to fight back the tears. Shannon came out to give me a hug and made his way inside the van.

“I will. Just try to figure out what you want Jana. This, us, it’s all in your hands. I’ll call you when we land okay.” he said bringing me into his chest.

“Okay” is all I could manage to get out, as the tears fell from my eyes. I was going to miss him, I have made a mess and now I had to try to fix it.

“Whenever you’re not feeling secure about us, just remember how much I love you. I want this to work, I hope you do too.” he said as he placed a small kiss on my lips and made his way inside the van.

I watched the man I loved more than anything in this world leave me for 2 weeks, not knowing if we’ll survive this time apart or not.