Destined to Explode

I had made a decision. I was not going to get close to him. I couldn’t do that to myself again, I couldn’t let myself get close. It hurt too much when they were gone, when they left you. I saw the curtains of the bunk get pulled back slowly to reveal Alex. After everything, he was the only one that knew every thought going through my head. I couldn’t put my brother through that he wouldn’t be able to handle my sad thoughts, and I didn’t want to bring Ryla down with me. I knew Alex was so happy not even my depression could bring him down completely.

“Boo Bear, scooch over,” he spoke softly rolling into my bunk. As soon as he was laying down I cuddled into his chest and once again the tears started flowing. He would hate me for this. He would hate me so much, I’m not the girl he loved anymore. That’s why he’s gone.

“Alex, I miss him so much,” I spoke trying to control the sobs. I felt completely and utterly lost. I didn’t know where I belonged in the world. When he was here, I knew I belonged right by his side. That’s how I knew I was safe. He was my protection all the way until the end.

“I know boo, but it’ll get better. It’s gonna take a while and you’ll have bad days, but every day is a new day. You gotta try,” he spoke softly while rubbing my back softly. I knew he was right and I knew that I had to make the choice to work on it. But without him, I’m not as strong as people seem to think.

“But he was my everything. He helped make me who I am. I loved him so much and now he’s just gone. He left me,” I whispered the last part softly. Alex stopped rubbing my back for a second and pulled away to look at me.

“You know he would have stayed if he could. You were his world. He told me everything, you know that him being gone is tough on me too. He was one of my best friends. But you can’t second guess his love for you, there was not a second that you weren’t on his mind,” he spoke quietly wiping away my tears. That was exactly what I need to hear. I was second guessing his love and he wasn’t even here to defend himself. He was my other half and I should be treasuring every moment that we had together. The tears slowly stopped flowing and I was finally getting a little bit of myself back.

“How do you always know exactly what to say?” I asked him with a sad smile on my face. Looking up at my best friend I saw what every other girl saw. His chocolate brown eyes, his chiseled jaw, and the signature brown hair flipped to one side that got every girl to fall in love. But I also saw the boy he used to be and the man that we was becoming now. What made this man so beautiful was what’s on the inside.

“Because I had a great teacher when it comes to you,” he whispered back.

“How are you and Ryla not together yet? You are so sweet, she would be lucky to have you y’know?” I replied and saw him blush as soon as she was brought up. They were both so clearly in love with each other that even strangers could tell. Everyone was always asking how long they’d been together and they always replied that they were ‘just friends.’ Yeah, just friends my ass.
“You know we’re just friends, boo. She doesn’t like me like that,” he said sadly while avoiding eye contact. Obviously this guy was dumb and blind cause she absolutely loved him.

“You are so stupid, dumb butt,” I replied giggling softly. He looked shocked that anything that was remotely like a laugh came out of my mouth. I smiled up at him truly happy for a split second before a thought came into my head again.

“What is it now?” He asked knowing my sudden changes just by looking in my eyes.

“Do they all know? Does . . . he know what really happened?” I asked choosing my words wisely.

“No. Zack knows that he’s gone, he just doesn’t know exactly what happened,” he replied. I let out a sigh of relief.

Only three people really knew what happened that night. There was no way that was gonna change now. It was gonna be our little secret.