When Doves Cry


~~Got a secret Can you keep it Swear this one you'll save Better lock it in your pocket Taking this one to the grave~~
When I met up with Mason later that day, I chose not to tell him about what had happened with Sirius. It had been an accident, after all. No point getting him worked up over nothing. We spent the rest of the day together, doing everything from discussing homework (which I actually enjoyed because he was so cute when he talked about things that really interested him), to snogging a whole freaking lot. He was really good at it.
When it came time for dinner, I asked him to sit with me at the Gryffindor table, which he happily agreed to do. To be perfectly honest, I was gonna need a bit of a distraction during dinner so things wouldn't be awkward between me and Sirius. Because let's face it. When one of your best guy friends walks in and sees your breasts, it's just weird after that for awhile. So I used Mason as a very nice distraction from that awkwardness.
Dinner passed without much happening. Sirius seemed to be not looking at me very much, and James kept looking from him to me with little chuckles, but other than that everything was normal. Peter eagerly listened to James talk about some Quidditch story or other, James split his time between bragging about himself and hitting on Lily, Sirius was flirting lightly with some girl, and Remus was sitting quietly, listening to everything going on around him with a small smile, looking amused by his friends. He usually either looked amused by us, horrified by us, or annoyed by us, depending on what we were doing.
I noticed that something rather odd did happen, though. The girl Sirius had been flirting with, a particularly pretty Gryffindor sixth year with hair the color of Honeydukes chocolate and eyes as blue as the sky, seemed to have to try rather hard to get his attention. She was batting her eyelashes, lightly resting her hand on his thigh, and was sitting so her skirt rode way up her legs, revealing an awful lot of smooth skin. But Sirius seemed lost in thought. He hardly even noticed when she huffed in annoyance and walked off.
"You feeling alright?" I asked him, surprised he'd let her get away.
"What?" he asked, looking up at me in confusion. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"You just had a totally gorgeous girl hanging all over you, and you didn't even notice. I mean, even James would probably forget about Lily long enough to consider shagging her. And you completely ignored her."
"It's true," James agreed, glancing surreptitiously at Lily to be sure she hadn't heard our conversation. "She was bloody gorgeous."
"I just have a lot on my mind," Sirius said distractedly, already sinking back into his thoughts. I exchanged shocked looks with Remus, Peter, and James. This was not like Sirius at all. Choosing to think instead of paying attention to the gorgeous girl next to him? It just wasn't him. But what was causing Sirius to think so much?
"Is this normal for him?" Mason asked me softly, looking just as surprised as I felt. "It seems weird to me."
"No, this is definitely not normal." If even Mason, who didn't really know Sirius that well, was able to tell something was off with him, then something had to be wrong. James, as if to test the extent of Sirius's weird mood, wrapped an arm around his shoulders jovially.
"Sirius, mate, you look glum! Let's go up to the dorm and get drunk!" He glanced quickly at Lily to make sure she hadn't heard him, but she was talking to a friend and was pleasantly pretending James didn't exist.
"Don't really feel like it," Sirius said, frowning at the table like it had insulted him.
James froze, clearly not sure what to do now. Sirius didn't even feel like drinking? What had the world come to?
Remus, staring intently at Sirius, suddenly stood up. "Pads, come with me," he said, his voice gentle but commanding. "I need to talk to you."
Sirius looked up at Remus without moving for a few moments, but eventually, he got up and walked out of the Great Hall with Remus. James and I shared perplexed looks, shrugging in confusion. Peter, clearly deciding this was beyond his understanding, was looking at the Hufflepuff table for Marlena. James watched Peter, a frown sinking onto his features as he tried to think about what was wrong with Sirius. Suddenly, he stood up, his eyes wide.
"Roxi, stay here!" he said "I need to go talk to Remus and Sirius." He hurried off, already reaching into his bag, where I knew the Map was hiding.
"Are all of your friends going crazy?" Mason asked, staring after James in surprise.
"Apparently so," I said in confusion. "What on earth is up with them? And why did James tell me to stay here? Stupid prat."
Mason shrugged, wrapping his arm around my waist. "Oh, well. At least we're alone now."
"No, Peter's still here."
"Not for long," Mason pointed out. And he was right. Within moments, Peter had gotten up and walked out of the Great Hall, Marlena wrapping her arm through his when she met up with him. Well...
"Okay, I guess all of my friends felt like abandoning me tonight."
Mason smiled at me. "Is that really such a bad thing?" he asked.
I grinned and kissed him. "No, it's not bad at all. Come on, let's get out of here too."
We left, arms wrapped around each other, planning on finding an empty classroom or secret passage somewhere where we could snog in peace. And by Jove, we did just that. Mason was smart, cute, sweet, funny, and a really, really good kisser. He apparently had no flaws at all, which was both infuriating and attractive. Damn him.
We spent the next half hour snogging in a passage hidden behind a tapestry. But don't worry, little kiddies, we didn't take it further than that. A girl has got to have her limits, after all. That was another thing about him: he didn't pressure me to take things further than I was willing. He went as far as I was willing to go, and when I started to pull back, he simply followed suit. He truly was the perfect boyfriend.
After our intense snog session, we both agreed that it was time for us to go back to our respective dorms. I really needed to check on Sirius, and ask Remus and James if they knew what was up with him. When I walked into the Gryffindor common room, I saw the three of them, huddled together in the far corner of the room, discussing something in hushed voices. Remus glanced up at me when I walked in, his werewolf senses alerting him to my presence before the others had even registered that the Fat Lady's portrait had swung open. He quickly hit Sirius on the arm, nodding in my direction.
"What the hell?" I muttered to myself. They were all being very shady. Shaking my head, I walked over to them. "Hey, guys," I said. "Thanks for leaving me all alone at dinner."
"You weren't alone," Remus said. "You were with Mason and Peter."
"Actually, Peter left to go snog his girlfriend. And as much as I enjoy spending time with Mason, he's no Marauder. It would've been nice to be included in whatever you three had to run off and talk about."
"Somehow I doubt you were very bored," Sirius said. "Students got back from the Great Hall about twenty minutes ago, but you only just got back." He raised his eyebrows at me.
"Okay, yeah, I took advantage of the fact that my friends were jerks and left me all alone with my boyfriend and a knowledge of every secret tunnel in Hogwarts. But I'd still like to know what's going on here?"
".....You can't...." James said.
I looked down at him, my brow furrowed. "Why not?"
"You just can't," he said. "I can't explain why."
"Look, it's just none of your business," Sirius said. It wasn't like he said it rudely or anything. He even sounded apologetic as he said it. But still. I was a Marauder, one of them. We told each other everything. But now, suddenly something wasn't any of my business? "Please, just stay out of this one conversation, Roxi."
"I see," I said, stepping away from them. "Excuse me for thinking being a Marauder made Marauder issues my business. Clearly I was wrong about where I stand with you three." Okay, I was being a bitch. I was being a whiny little bitch, and it was working; they all three looked very guilty. I crossed my arms and turned away, walking sadly off.
"Fangs," James called out. "Look, don't take it like that."
I turned back and looked at them all with intentionally sad eyes. "And how am I supposed to take it? You lot ran off without me, discussed something important about whatever's bothering Sirius, and then told me it's none of my business. Which more or less means you three are none of my business, right? That's essentially what all of this means."
They were all silent, torn between wanting to make it up to me, and wanting to keep their secret from me.
"Come on, Roxi, it's not like you tell all of us everything," Remus said. "Surely you have a secret or two that you haven't told to them or me." He gave me a pointed look, and I knew he was talking about my curse.
"That's different, Moons. And you know it."
"Wait, do you know something about her that we don't?" Sirius asked Remus, catching the understanding looks passed between him and me.
"Sort of," Remus mumbled.
"That's not the point here, Sirius," I said. I stared at them silently for awhile longer, battling with my emotions. The fact that they were so desperate to keep something from me really hurt. Finally, I took a deep breath to help push my emotions back down. "Look, I'm going to bed. I'll speak to you all in the morning." And without another glance at them, I went up to the girls' dorm.
"You okay?" Lily asked me when I walked in. I guess my face looked less than cheerful.
"Yeah, I guess," I said, walking over to my bed to change into my pajamas. "Just Sirius, James, and Remus making me angry."
"What did they do?" she asked. Despite the fact that she had been reading the chapter in her DADA book that we had been assigned for homework, she looked up at me and gave me her undivided attention. Lily really was a wonderful person.
"Today at dinner, Sirius didn't seem to be himself, but he wouldn't tell us what was wrong. Then I guess Remus figured it out, because he told Sirius they needed to talk, so the two left the Great Hall. Then James seemed to figure it out, so he followed after them. And I just walked into the common room to find them discussing whatever it was, but they won't tell me."
"Did they say why they won't tell you?" Lily asked, frowning a bit.
"Sirius said it's none of my business."
"Rubbish!" Lily fumed. "Of course it's your business! They're your friend, aren't they? Because if they are, then that makes it your business!"
"Just like my curse is your business?" I asked with a smile.
She blushed a bit, biting her lip. "I didn't know you knew I know."
I took a moment to straighten out that sentence in my head before responding. "Of course you know, Lily. You're too bloody smart not to. Also, you called me Cassandra when I woke you up on accident the other night."
"Oh. Did I? Sorry."
{In case some of you don't know, Cassandra was my name so very long ago, when my curse got placed on me. Don't name your child Cassandra. Because if you have a boy and you name him Cassandra, he will be mercilessly picked on for it. Probably by me. And if you have a girl named Cassandra, she might be doomed. I was, that Roman (or Greek?) girl was (I'm bad at history that happened before I was born the first time). In many years, a girl in a song will be. Just don't do it.}
I smiled at Lily and shook my head. "Don't worry about it. It doesn't bother me to remember."
"Does anyone else know?" she asked.
"Professor Dumbledore does, of course. He's far too smart not to know. And Remus. I told him in our third year because of his-- because I knew I could trust him." I mentally cursed myself for almost revealing that Remus was a werewolf to Lily. If she figured it out on her own or he told her, that was one thing. But I would not be accused of betraying his trust. Even if he was pissing me off right now.
"That's it?" she asked.
"As far as I know. Um... McGonagall might know. She's clever too, and Dumbledore might have filled her in. But other than that, yeah I think that's it. I don't really tell a lot of people about it. They tend to look at me differently after I do."
"What about Adrian? Does he know?"
"No," I answered, absently rubbing at the back of my neck. "I haven't told him."
"Why not?" She was sitting on her bed, her full attention on me. Like she couldn't understand why I hadn't told my twin brother my deepest secret. Hmm... Come to think of it, it was rather odd that I hadn't told him.
"I don't know. It just never seemed like the right thing to do. Plus, I don't want our parents knowing, and he'd probably tell them."
She nodded, apparently taking this as an acceptable answer. "So do you think you'll ever tell James, Peter, and Sirius?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I mean, probably. But..."
She watched me patiently, letting me collect my thoughts into coherent words.
"We're all happy, you know? Things are good. Life might not always be easy, but when we're all together, everything's great for us. It's....light. And I don't want to add darkness to all of it by telling them I'm cursed. It's bad enough with--" Shit. There I go again, forgetting Lily probably doesn't know Remus is a were wolf. "--Sirius and his family problems," I supplied quickly, moving over my little stumble like it hadn't happened in the hopes that she wouldn't notice. "I don't know if you're aware or not, but he kind of hates his family. And they return the sentiment. And I don't want to ruin things by putting a damper on everyone's mood. You know?"
"I get what you mean. But still, Roxi. They're your friends. They all care about you a lot. I think they'd want to know. And besides, it's not that big of a deal, right? It just means you'll come back after you die in however many decades." She looked up at me with a smile, trying to brighten my mood. But at her words, I felt my heart sink. Poor, sweet Lily hadn't figured out the details yet. She didn't know that my curse would kill me before I turned twenty-five.
"Yeah," I said, faking a smile. I didn't have the strength to tell her the truth. I couldn't look her in the eyes and tell her I was doomed, because the knowledge would have broken her heart. She and I were very close friends, and my death would not sit well with her.
The next morning, I hadn't decided if I still wanted to be mad at James, Remus, and Sirius, or if I wanted to forgive them. I made up my mind to make a decision after I had seen them. So I got dressed, used my wand to straighten my hair, and did my make-up. I had chosen not to run that morning because I had stayed up late talking to Lily. When I went down to the common room, I looked around for my Marauders. But they weren't there.
"Honestly," I muttered to myself, walking to breakfast alone. When I got to the Gryffindor table, I saw all four of them, sitting together like a normal morning, minus me. I sighed and sat down in my usual spot, next to Remus.
"Morning, Peter," I said cheerfully.
"Morning, Roxi," he said, smiling at me before putting food on his plate.
I followed suit, calmly getting toast and bacon, and ignoring the other three boys. I could feel their gazes on me, watching every move I made, but I refused to look at them. I would make them squirm a little. I finally glanced up when Sirius spoke. "What, no "good morning" for the rest of us? Just Peter?"
"Peter hasn't pissed me off in the last twenty-four hours," I pointed out. Looking at them, though, was a mistake. I was suddenly assaulted with three pairs of pleading eyes. Even Remus was giving me puppy dog eyes. And they were all really good at looking pitiful, dammit!
"We're sorry for keeping secrets from you," James said with a childlike pout.
"And that Sirius over here was a prat to you," Remus added, blinking at me with those golden eyes of his.
"Please forgive us?" Sirius pleaded, looking absolutely innocent.
"Ugh, fine! But you three are eventually going to let me in on whatever secret you're hiding. And Peter, because he doesn't know either. I'll let you have your secrets for now, but eventually, I want to know. Deal?"
Remus, Sirius, and James all leaned in close, whispering to each other. After a few moments, they moved back to their original positions.
"Deal," Sirius said.
And I knew that he was telling the truth. Because the word of a Marauder was sacred, especially to another Marauder. Sooner or later, they would tell me what they had been keeping from me.