When Doves Cry

No Spell

~~Hold on tight and enjoy the ride girl This is all that we get (take a chance now) It feels right and I know you can tell I'm not going to lie (this is no spell)~~
Later that day, I was sitting in the common room, doodling idly on a piece of parchment, my mind wandering far and wide. Well, actually, it was only wandering as far as Sirius Black. I was considering what Regulus had said. Was Sirius really less arrogant when he was around me? Did I have that much of an affect on him? And did it really matter? I wasn't sure what my feelings for him were, and I was even less sure if those feelings would matter at all. Say I did like Sirius. Okay, what then? Did we date, risking our friendship for the sake of snogging? And what if we broke up? What would happen to the Marauders? Remus would most likely stick with me, and James would stick with Sirius. But what about Peter? What would he do? And how could I possibly look Remus and James in the face and tell them I had torn part our little family just so I could date Sirius? The more I thought about it, the less it seemed like a good idea.
"Hey, Roxi?" a somewhat tentative voice spoke from behind me. I looked up to find none other than Sirius Black himself.
"Sirius, if you're here to try and snog me again, just don't."
He shook his head. "I'm not. I'll do that later."
"So then why are you-- Wait, what? No, you won't!"
He smirked at me. "We'll see. But the reason I'm here is actually to apologize. I really do feel bad that Mason broke up with you. I know you really liked him."
I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to actually say it.
He sighed, hating having to say it. "I'm sorry, Roxi. I really am." He even had the decency to look sincere.
I chewed on my lip for a few seconds before I nodded. "Okay, I forgive you. But if you think surprise attacking me to snog me is gonna make me date you, you're wrong." I smiled to show I was joking. Of course he wouldn't surprise attack me with kisses.
"I intend to prove you wrong," he said, giving me a devious smile before walking away.
"Hey, no!" I called after him. "Sirius! Sirius come back here, you're not really gonna sneak attack me with kisses, right? Sirius?" But he walked away, only flashing another devious smile at me over his shoulder before he was gone. "Shitcakes," I said.
"That sounds disgusting," James said, startling me.
"James! How long have you been standing there?"
He chuckled. "About twenty minutes. You were so lost in thought, you didn't even notice."
"So you don't think Sirius really will just creep up on me at random times to try and snog me, do you?"
"Sorry, Roxi, but this is Sirius we're talking about. There's no doubt in my mind that he will. Just don't hex him too bad for it, okay?"
I groaned, covering my face with my hands and flopping back against my chair. "Why does he have to be so determined to get what he wants?"
"Because he's Sirius," James said simply.
We were silent for awhile, me because I was wondering when Sirius would try to snog me again, James because Lily was immersed in a book, absently chewing on her bottom lip. He loved to watch her read.
"So you're not romantically interested in him at all, then?" James said, still looking at Lily.
I sighed. "I don't know. I might be. I don't really want to think about it."
"Why not?" he asked, finally looking away from Lily to focus on me.
"Because this -us, the Marauders- it's good. We're all happy, nothing is overly awkward or tense. I don't want things to get ruined."
"And dating Sirius would ruin things?"
"It might. Think about if he and I were to have a nasty break up. What would happen to the Marauders?"
James nodded. "Okay, yeah, things would be weird. They'd be tense and awkward, and the Marauders wouldn't be the same. But we'd get over it. Eventually."
"How do you know that? How can you possibly be sure of that?"
"Because we're the Marauders. That's what we do. Through thick and thin, we never give in!" He smiled at me, his hazel eyes kind and encouraging. "Besides, what if you and Sirius don't break up? Think of the possibilities." He smiled again before returning his attention to Lily, who had her legs curled up underneath her, getting more comfortable while she read. James had a small smile on his face while he watched her, one I'm sure he wasn't even aware of.
I smiled as I watched him watch her, wondering if he even knew how deep his feelings for her ran. Sure, he was infatuated, and he knew he wanted to date her, but it seemed like more than that to me. Lily wasn't just another pretty girl at Hogwarts. She was special to him; the only girl he had wanted since he was eleven or twelve. I had a feeling the first stirrings of actual love were beginning to awaken within him, still dormant enough that he didn't yet recognize them for what they were. But soon enough, he would. And I doubted Lily would be able to resist him for long after that....
The rest of the week passes rather uneventfully. I would put my guard up every time Sirius came around, afraid he was going to kiss me again, but he never did. Gradually, I began to relax more, knowing I couldn't just tense up every time I saw him. I spent the vast majority of my days with him, after all. He seemed to be enjoying all of this, too. Every time he would notice me giving him suspicious glances, he would grin and wink at me, causing me to roll my eyes. Not until the week was almost over did anything happen.
I was walking down the hallway on a rather boring Thursday afternoon, eagerly heading to lunch. James and Peter were being reprimanded by McGonagall for talking during her lesson, Remus was waiting for them outside her classroom, and Sirius had disappeared. Remus had told me to go on to lunch so I could be sure we all had our regular seats, (James and Sirius got rather upset if we had to sit in a different spot at the Gryffindor table) so I headed alone to lunch. I was just mulling over where Sirius had got off too when I found myself being pulled into a broom cupboard.
"Whoa, hang on, I will hex yo--! Oh, Sirius," I said when I realized he had been the one to pull me inside. I was so confused about the location I forgot to be cautious.
"Roxi," he said, grinning at me in a way that suddenly set off all my alarms. But not soon enough. He had me pinned between him and the door, and before I could think of a not-too-harsh spell to use, he was kissing me.
"Mmph," I said, trying to push him away. Bastard was stronger than I had realized. It was all too easy for him to ignore my shoves and continue kissing me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I noted that kissing Sirius felt rather nice, but I immediately squashed that little voice. Kissing Sirius was wrong.
"Did I change your mind yet?" he asked, stepping back just a smidge and smirking at me.
"No," I said, glaring at him.
"Then I'll just have to try again." He leaned in again, but this time I quickly ducked under his arm and moved away. Well, as far away as I could, considering we were in a tiny broom cupboard.
"No, you wont," I said. "Please, Sirius. Stop this. I am literally begging you to not kiss me again."
He frowned contemplatively, staring at me. "Why?" he asked.
"Why?" I repeated.
"Why?" he said again. "Why shouldn't I kiss you?"
"Because I'm not into you like that!" I said, staring at him like he was dense for missing something so obvious.
"Yes, you are," he said.
"Oh, really?" I challenged, crossing my arms. "And what makes you think that?"
He stepped over to me, closing the measly distance I had managed to gain. He leaned in, hovering mere centimeters away from my ear, placing his hands on my arms. "If you really didn't want me to kiss you, you'd have hexed me." As if to prove his point, he trailed a line of kisses along my jaw. I mentally cursed myself when my breathing got a little shaky.
"Maybe I didn't want to hurt one of my friends," I said, trying to keep my wits. Which is very hard to do when Sirius Black is nuzzling your neck.
He chuckled. "Please. You gave me tentacles just for running off some boy you didn't even like that much. You have no qualms about hexing me when you think I deserve it."
Damn, he had me there.
"Face it, Roxi. You like me." He finally stopped kissing me so he could look at my face.
I sighed deeply, staring into his eyes. "You're right," I finally said. "I do like you." He grinned triumphantly and leaned down to try and kiss me again, but I stopped him. "No, stop. Just listen to me."
I could tell that he didn't want to, that he knew he wouldn't like where I was going, but he did as I asked. He pulled back, giving me some space, and nodded. "Okay. I'm listening."
"I do like you," I said again. "But I don't think it matters. Because I'm not willing to compromise our friendship for the sake of us dating. I don't want to ruin the Marauders."
"You don't know that us dating would ruin the Marauders," he said logically.
"And you don't know that us dating wouldn't," I countered. "I wouldn't want to take that chance unless I was absolutely certain things would last. But I have no idea if we'd even make it a week, let alone the rest of the year or beyond that. Can't you see where I'm coming from?"
He was silent for awhile, watching me. "So what you're saying," he said slowly, "is that you won't date me because you're too afraid?"
I bristled at him saying I was afraid, because a marauder is never afraid, but I didn't disagree. Because technically, he wasn't wrong. "I guess so," I said.
"You've been spending all your time worrying about what will happen if we don't last. But what if we do? What if you and I are meant to be together, but you're letting that slip by because you're so afraid of the negative "what ifs"? We could be destined for each other, a match written in the stars. Are you really going to pass up the chance to find out, just because you're worried? All the greatest things in life, the ones the matter most, are things that are risky to go after. Freedom, happiness, love. But we take that risk because, in the end, they were worth it."
I was staring at him in total shock and confusion. "When the hell did you get so intelligent?" I asked, gaping.
He grinned. "I've always been intelligent, I've just never let anyone know about it."
"Wow," I said, not sure what else to say.
"Look, I know you. So I know you'll need time to think. But really consider what I said. Because you and I, we could be the greatest couple this world has ever seen." He turned and walked out of the broom cupboard, leaving me alone to think about what he had said.
"The one time Sirius is philosophical and intelligent, and it's right after he sexually assaulted me in a broom cupboard." I shook my head and walked out, heading for lunch. When I got to the Great Hall, Remus and Peter were giving me questioning looks, wondering where I had been. Sirius glanced up once, smirked at me, and went back to putting food on his plate. James raised an eyebrow, looking from me to Sirius with a knowing glance. I rolled me eyes and nodded, causing him to crack up.
"What are you laughing at?" Remus asked as I sat down beside him. This also put me across from Sirius, which I'm sure he planned.
"Nothing," James said, still chuckling.
"So where were you?" Peter asked me.
"I got kiss raped in a broom cupboard," I answered nonchalantly, piling food onto my plate.
"Are you sure the rape part is really fitting?" Sirius asked, suppressing fits of laughter.
"Yes, I'm sure," I answered. "Maybe if he had been a better kisser, I wouldn't consider it kiss rape."
Sirius no longer had suppress his laughter, and instead was glaring at me. James just laughed even harder.
"Do you know what's going on?" Peter asked Remus.
"We don't want to know what's going on," Remus answered.
"That's probably true," I told them with a smile.
I didn't have a whole lot of "slack off" classes during my day, so I didn't have much time to think about what Sirius had said. The small amount of time I did have, however, was spent with me slowly leaning more and more towards saying yes. But before I made any decisions, I would have to talk to Remus. He was my go-to for things like this, especially since I could tell him the other thing that was holding me back from dating Sirius. So I waited until that night, sitting in the common room with Remus while he did his homework. The sooner he finished, the sooner I could talk to him
"Whatever it is you want to talk to me about, can it wait until I finish this? Or should I make plans to skip breakfast in the morning?" He continued writing, not looking up while he spoke, but I knew his offer was genuine.
I smiled, hugging him tightly. "No, you can finish. I'll wait."
He sighed, setting his quill down and stretching because he had been hunched over for the past half hour. "If it wasn't important, you wouldn't be here hovering. And it must be something you feel you can only tell me, because otherwise you'd find James and talk to him about it. My paper can wait. What's on your mind?"
"You're the best, Rem," I said. I glanced around the common room to make absolutely sure we were alone before I began talking. "Sirius spoke to me today, and he's got me half convinced I should go out with him."
"But..." Remus prompted.
"But I'm worried about the repercussions. And not just the ones involving our friendship. Say Sirius and I date, things go really well, and we fall in love."
He nodded. "Okay. Sounds like a good scenario. Where's the problem?"
"Imagine the emotional hell that would put Sirius through! You know, after..."
Remus looked at me with sympathy and sorrow. "You mean after your curse takes effect," he said simply.
"Yes. How could I possibly do that to him? How could I date him, knowing our relationship is doomed? One way or another, it has to end. Badly."
"You can do it to him because you know it's what he would want. If he knew about your curse, he would say it just means he has to spend more time with you. And that you should do everything you can to live as much as possible in the limited amount of time you have. I say you should go for it. Now come on, let's get some sleep."
"Can I sleep with you again tonight? I don't sleep as well when I have a lot on my mind, but you're like my magical sleeping potion."
He smiled and nodded. "Of course. We'll just have to be extra quiet when we get to the room. If James and Sirius were to see you, we'd never hear the end of it."
"Very true," I agreed.
We very silently crept into the boys' dorm, tip-toeing over to Remus's bed. Thankfully, the other three boys were fast asleep, their curtains closed and the sound of deep breathing coming from their beds. Since I was still in my uniform and hadn't wanted to risk waking Lily to go and get my pajamas, Remus gave me an over-sized shirt to wear. It fell to mid-thigh, which worked for me. We crawled into his bed, being sure to close the curtains so that on the off chance one of the other boys woke up before we did, they wouldn't see me. Cuddling up close to Remus, I fell asleep with a smile on my face and a certain dark-haired boy on my mind.