Feet First

I woke up the next morning by falling out of my bunk, limbs tangled in my sheets.

I’d had a nightmare.

It was about him.

It was about that night.

I shuddered, and tried to push the dream aside.

But something else was hanging over me as well.

Then I felt the aching in my gut.

It was her.

I wanted to punch the bedframe just thinking about what had occurred the night before.

She’d hurt me. Bad.

I thought back to what she’d said, about her hurting herself, and her past with her sister.

Some things made more sense now.

It was obvious why she never wanted to talk about Annie.

Annie was fucking terrible to her.

Things would have been different if I would have known.

I remembered Annie being there for me through everything, even with my brother.

Why, why the fuck, would she not help her sister in the same situation?

The more I thought about how terrible that was, the more anger pent up inside me.

I got up and sat on the edge of my bunk.

I was angry with Olivia for saying what she did, and yelling at me the way she did.

I was angry with Annie for not helping her when she needed it, and for the things she said to me.

And I was angry with myself for the way I’d treated Olivia yesterday.

I sighed.

I had no fucking clue what to do now.

Shit, and now, Olivia knew I liked her.

I sighed again.

This was going to be complicated.

There was nothing I could do about it now, because I had other things to do.

I got up, got dressed, and left the bus to find Jack, he was probably on Yellowcard’s bus.

As I was walking there, I ran into Andrew.

Fucking perfect.

“Hey Alex, uh, can I talk to you for a sec?”

“If it’s about her then no.”

“It is, but it’s with a cause. I know she probably fucked up, I don’t know why you’d be mad if she
didn’t. But I’ve never seen her so god damned terrified of loosing a friend. So, just keep that in
mind, and maybe talk to her sooner rather than later.”
His words surprised me.

I thought he was just going to tell me to forgive her.

My mind glued itself around the phrase friend. Awesome. Even after I’d told her, I was still a friend.

But had I really expected that to change?

“Well, she’s not the only one that fucked up. I did too. And I will talk to her, I just don’t know what
to say right now.”

He smiled, “Thanks, I just don’t like seeing her upset. She’s gone back to her quiet self you met a few weeks ago. I was starting to see the Olivia I met when I was 15. You bring out the good in her.”

It made me smile.

He started to walk away.

“Andrew, wait, I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“Were you guys ever together?” I asked.

“No.” He said, then paused. “She liked me for a while when we first met. I didn’t want a girlfriend,
so we just stayed friends. Why?” His eyes grew wide.

“Well, I dunno. I wanted to make sure you didn’t have a thing for her.”

He laughed, “I did. But it was too late to do anything. I kind of wish I didn’t give up like I did. But she’s my best friend and I love her. But, I know she cares about you. Just don’t fuck it up and wait around like I did.

He walked away.

Well shit.

Even though I was his hero, he’d just given me good advice.



I sat around a table on the bus with Jack and Rian.

“Do you guys think it’s weird at all that people idolize us? Like what the hell. It feel like literally yesterday I wanted to be Mark Hoppus.” Jack said.

“You still want to be Mark.” Rian laughed.

“Well, Sam and Matt aren’t fucking annoying like we were.” I laughed.

“Do you know who Olivia looks up to? Because she knew us, so she probably didn’t look up to us.”
Jack said.

“No, we haven’t really talked about music.”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth they felt weird.

Why hadn’t we talked about it?

It was a central thing in both of our lives, really it was both of our anchor.

One thing I’d always wished about Annie was that she would be more into music, and like being around the band and going to shows more.

I knew music meant a lot more to her than it did to Annie, and it meant a lot to me.

“Are you guys still not on speaking terms?” Jack asked.

“Well, I mean, I want to talk to her, but I just don’t know what to say. Because I’m still mad at her, and I’m sure she’s still mad at me. And she should be. I shouldn’t have gone behind her back.”

“Well, you’re going to be stuck in this awkward not talking at all stage forever until you get drunk and fuck one day.” Jack laughed.

He was half right, in the sense that I couldn’t just avoid it.

I sighed.

I guess we should just pretend like it didn’t happen.

Maybe that was a start.

I walked off the bus, It was nearly eleven, but I didn't want to risk waiting another day for this boil.

I wondered, for a while. Wondering, what I could possibly say to her.

Should I just say she hurt me? But I knew I'd hurt her too.

But I couldn't let it go unnoticed, I still felt the pang in my heart.

I knew exactly what it was like not having a sibling be there for you.

But mine couldn't be, because he wasn't here.

I retrieved Zack's acoustic guitar from the bus without much question, and sat down outside. They knew, sometimes he just needed to be alone with his music.

He began singing and playing.

"Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye."

He sang, and played, he didn't care how loud he was, or who heard.

It felt good to sing, just for him, not for anyone else.

He hadn't sung the song in a while, it hadn't been on their setlists.

He lost himself in the words, bringing back the exact memory of when he wrote it.

It felt like so long ago, but in that moment, he remembered being so young and helpless.

He let everything out, his frustration, his anxiety, and his fear.

With that last string, he exhaled. He felt better.

It reminded him why he'd started playing music in the first place, because sometimes, they all forgot.

He got up to put the guitar back, and noticed someone with bright red hair walking away from him.

"Liv!" He yelled.

And she turned.

He walked toward her, now knowing what to do, not what to say.