Butterflies.

I was 11 when I met Mr Clare. He taught Geography at my new school and the moment he walked into the classroom, I fell just a tiny bit. I didn’t even know what any of it meant – the sweaty palms, the racing heart, the butterflies in my stomach. But whatever it meant, I knew that I’d be taking Geography for as long as Mr Clare was teaching it.

When I was in year 10, the classes were smaller due to GCSEs. Although I wasn’t that much of a fan of the actual subject, I chose Geography just so I could be closer to Mr Clare. I knew what the symptoms were now. I’d figured it out eventually. It came as a bit of a shock when I realised that I was having these feelings towards a guy, but I didn’t mind too much. I sometimes wondered why I never had these feelings towards girls. I did try, sometimes, to look at a girl the way I looked at Mr Clare. I tried to think of them as attractive. And some of them were, but it just didn’t really appeal to me. Mr Clare was tall, at almost 6 feet, and he had broad shoulders and strong arms. I wanted to know what it would be like for him to wrap his arms around me. He had dark curly hair that framed his dark features, keeping his bottle-green eyes almost always in shadows. And his face was so perfect it could have been sculpted from marble. I guessed that he was in his late twenties, no more than 15 years older than me. Whenever someone I went to school with made comments about their boyfriend being 2 years older than them and how weird it was going out with someone older, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to go out with Mr Clare. He was so much more experienced than me. It was kind of exciting, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew nothing would actually happen between us.

When I found out his first name, Tony, I couldn’t stop referring to him by it when I thought of him. I wanted to know all there was to know about Tony. Did he have a girlfriend? Did he have any pets? Why did he become a teacher?

“Chris, are you paying attention?” Mr Clare said, snapping me out of my thoughts. My cheeks turned red as I realised that everyone was staring at me and some were laughing.
“Um, yes?” I said unsurely, when everyone knew that I hadn’t been paying attention. Mr Clare sighed and rolled his eyes.
“That’s the 4th time I’ve had to tell you to focus this week,” he said and I nodded.
“I know, I’m sorry,” I said.
“You say that every time,” he said. “Detention after school.” My eyes widened.
“What?” I asked in shock. Mr Clare had never given a detention to anyone ever. I looked around me at the other students, who all seemed as surprised as I was.
“Don’t you think that’s kind of harsh?” my friend Jason said.
“Do you want one, too?” Mr Clare asked and Jason quickly lowered his head as he mumbled that he didn’t. “My classroom after school, Chris.” I just nodded, still beyond shocked that he’d actually given me detention. The rest of the lesson I made sure not to drift away into my thoughts again. I didn’t want him angry at me, so I paid attention.

When the bell rang at the end of the lesson, Jason turned to me. “Dude, that sucks,” he said quietly so Mr Clare wouldn’t hear. I just nodded. I looked over at Tony and met his gaze and felt my stomach jump. His eyes were such an amazing colour; I could gaze into them all day every day. If only… I quickly turned away and followed Jason out of the room silently.

The rest of the day passed slowly. Part of me was looking forward to spending an hour and a half after school with Tony because, hello, it was more time with him! But another part of me was dreading it. I’d never had a detention before and I’d got one from my favourite teacher. Jason knew about my crush on Tony, so was teasing me about it all day. “It’s gonna be you and him, all alone,” Jason said, nudging me. “Who knows what will happen.” I could feel myself blushing, but I rolled my eyes.
“It’s detention, Jase,” I said. “I know what will happen. I’ll go to his classroom after school, do some work or something and then leave.”
“Yeah, but you know you want something more to happen,” he smirked. I didn’t say anything this time, just blushed even more. I was pretty glad that I had Jason for a friend. I knew that most kids at my school would be grossed out that I liked Mr Clare. I mean, yeah, it’s pretty standard to have a crush on a teacher, but normally it’s on one of the younger teachers – those straight out of university. When I first saw him, I guess Mr Clare would have been straight out of university. But 3 years had passed since then and there were newer, younger teachers. But Jason didn’t think it was weird or gross. He just teased me about it, but I knew he only meant it light-heartedly.

When the day ended, I said bye to Jason and headed to Mr Clare’s Geography classroom. I was kind of nervous. I’d never been with him on my own before. We’d always been surrounded by kids in the past. I knocked on the door and then walked inside. “Hi, Chris, take a seat,” Mr Clare said, motioning to the many desks in front of him. I was unsure where to sit. Should I sit near him, in the middle, at the back? In front of him, to the side? In the end, I sat 2 rows back in front of his desk.
“Um,” I stammered, only just realising that he’d been watching me for the entire time. “I’m sorry about not paying attention.” Mr Clare just nodded. “So, um, what am I doing now? Do I just work?”
“You’ve never had detention before, have you?” Mr Clare asked. I shook my head as I bit my lower lip. I watched Mr Clare’s gaze move down to my lips and I couldn’t help but lick my lips to see what would happen. Mr Clare’s eyes snapped back up to meet mine. “Just do something productive.” I swallowed and nodded.

I pulled out my notebook from my bag and opened it to a clean page, but I really had no intention of actually working. I kept my head lowered, though, as though I was working, and watched Mr Clare through my fringe. I doodled absentmindedly, making sure that it looked like it was doing something. I was wasting a perfectly good piece of paper, but I didn’t care. Mr Clare’s attention was on his work. He was going over it with a red pen and I guessed he was marking something. “Do you think I’m stupid?” Mr Clare asked suddenly, making me jump. He hadn’t even looked up.
“Um, what?” I asked anxiously.
“I know you’re not working, Chris,” he said and I swallowed.
“Umm-“
“I’m a lot better at pretending to work than you are,” he said smiling at me and I realised I wasn’t in trouble. I smiled at him and met his amused eyes. “You need to turn the page every now and then if you want someone to believe you’re working. You’ve been writing on that sheet for over half an hour. Unless you’re an extremely slow writer, I don’t really think that’s possible.” I felt my cheeks burning as I realised I’d be caught.
“Sorry,” I mumbled but Mr Clare just smiled and shook his head.
“Okay, I’ll make you a deal,” he said and I looked at him waiting for him to continue. “I’ll let you out of detention early if you promise to start paying attention in class.”
“Deal,” I smiled and he smiled back and nodded. He stood and started packing up his papers and I did the same.

We walked out of the classroom and through the empty corridors towards the car park. When we opened the door, I paused as I looked at the pouring rain and sighed. “Are you getting picked up?” Mr Clare asked, having also come to a stop beside me.
“No,” I mumbled. “Walking.”
“No way,” he shook his head. “Come on, I’ll give you a lift.” I looked up at him and smiled gently.
“You don’t have to do that,” I told him, while secretly thrilled that he’d offered.
“Come on,” he said, ignoring my comment and motioning to his car. We practically ran across the car park and jumped into his car, breathing slightly heavier than normal. “I hadn’t even realised it was raining,” Mr Clare said as he started the car and put the heat on. “Let me know when you get warm enough.” I just nodded, deciding against telling him that I was already feeling pretty warm just being in his car and being this close to him. Mr Clare reversed out of his space and sped out of the school car park.

I directed him to my house and when he pulled to a stop, we both sat quietly. I turned to him to thank him, only to find him an inch away from me. “Wh-What are you doing?” I whispered, even though it was pretty obvious.
“I was gonna kiss you,” he said gently, raising his hand to stroke my cheek gently. I stared at him, my lips parted in slight surprise.
“Wh-Why?” I asked. This, I realised, was a much better question, because it didn’t have an obvious answer.
“You know why, Chris,” he said and I shook my head. I really didn’t. Mr Clare looked at me for a moment and then frowned in curiosity. “You…You don’t know?”
“Know what?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
“Fuck, I thought you knew…” he whispered and I frowned.
“Knew what?” I asked, starting to get impatient and frustrated.
“That you…you’re all I think about, Chris,” he said, stunning me into silence. “My classes with you…they’re what gets me through the day.” I couldn’t believe it. I was meant to say something like that, after all, my lessons with Mr Clare were the best hour of my day. It was beyond my wildest dreams that he would actually feel the same.
“Oh,” I whispered, feeling the need to say something. “Wow.”
“Say something,” Mr Clare said and I looked up into those bottle-green eyes that had captured my attention from day one.
“I just did,” I whispered and he rolled his eyes.
“Something better,” he said and I bit my lip. Mr Clare’s eyes moved down to my lips again and I felt my heartbeat speed up. Before I could tell myself not to, or my logic kicked in, I leant towards him and kissed him. My lips slotted against his perfectly and my eyes slid shut. I was kissing him, I could feel his lips against mine. I pulled back after a moment that hadn’t lasted nearly long enough and looked at my teacher shyly. “Well said,” he whispered, his eyes still closed and I giggled. I didn’t even know that I could giggle, but that was definitely what the noise was. Mr Clare’s eyes opened and he smiled tenderly at me. I gazed into his eyes and leant into his hand, which was still cupping my jaw. “Chris,” he whispered before bringing my lips back to his. The second kiss was slightly deeper than the first, and Mr Clare definitely took control this time, but that was okay by me. He was more experienced, anyway. I raised my hands to rest of his shoulders and we both tried to move as close to one another as we could. When Mr Clare’s tongue touched my lower lip, I shivered but granted him access. His tongue met mine and they swirled together passionately. Mr Clare gently bit my lower lip and I gasped, bringing the kiss to an end.
“Wow,” I whispered, touching my kiss-swolen lips.
“Yeah,” Mr Clare said. I smiled at him, feeling my cheeks starting to turn a light shade of red.
“Why did you give me detention?” I asked him and his eyes jumped up to meet mine.
“Take a guess,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
“It wasn’t because I was…daydreaming?” I whispered and Mr Clare shook his head.
“I needed an excuse to be alone with you,” he told me. I bit my lip hard to stop from grinning and I felt like I could potentially turn into a puddle.
“Well, um, I’m glad you did,” I said and he grinned. His smile was heart-stopping. It shouldn’t be fair for someone to be that attractive.
“Me, too,” he said. I smiled at him and then turned to glance at my house.
“I guess I should…go inside,” I said.
“I guess so,” he said. He looked just as disappointed as I felt.

I gave him one last long look before opening the door and climbing out. “Oh, Chris,” he said, leaning across the seat with a smile. “When we’re not in school, call me Tony.” Before I even had time to digest that information, he had driven away. It was only a little later that I realised what that meant – he wanted to spend more time with me outside school. I grinned to myself as I lay in bed that night, wondering what tomorrow would hold.

--

“How was detention?” Jason asked first thing the following morning. I turned to him with a grin and I felt myself starting to blush. Jason instantly knew something was up. “Oh, my God, what happened?”
“Um, I can’t really say here,” I said, looking around me at the other students and members of staff.
“Oh, my God, you have to tell me!” he said and I quickly shushed him.
“I’ll tell you later, okay?” I said and he rolled his eyes but nodded anyway.
“You better,” he said and I smiled.
“I will,” I said.

I then opened my locker and got my books that I’d need for my morning classes. “Morning, Jason, Chris,” I heard the familiar voice say and I quickly turned.
“Morning, Mr Clare,” Jason said. My words were stuck in my throat, but as I looked up into Tony’s eyes and saw his smile, I didn’t mind.
“How are you two coming with the essay?” Tony asked and I felt my heart skip a beat in panic. Luckily, Jason answered him.
“Good, I’ve nearly finished,” he said and Tony chuckled.
“Now, why don’t I believe you?” he said and Jason just grinned and shrugged. It was a fair point, Jason very rarely had his work finished an hour before the deadline. “Well, I’ll see you in class later,” Tony said and we both nodded before he walked away. I let out a breath I hadn’t realised I’d been holding.
“Woah,” Jason said as he turned to me wide eyed.
“What?” I asked with a gentle frown.
“The sexual tension…you could cut it with a knife,” he said and I blushed once again. “So what did happen last night?”
“Not now,” I muttered. “So…what essay was he talking about?”
“He set it in class yesterday just before he gave you detention,” he said, rolling his eyes once again. “You know, you really should try not to drift off into fantasies so much.”
“They’re not fantasies,” I said defensively, but Jason just laughed as we headed towards our English lesson.

For the first time since I started at the school, I didn’t enjoy my Geography lesson. The reason wasn’t that Mr Clare had changed as such, but because we had changed. We were no longer just a teacher and student. Sure, I didn’t quite know what we were exactly. But I knew we were something more. I spent most of the lesson daydreaming and reliving last night’s kiss. I’d never experienced anything quite so mind blowing. It was the last lesson of the day and all I wanted to do was talk to Jason about what had happened last night.

When the bell rang, Tony asked me to stay behind. Jason nudged me and shot me a look but I ignored him and told him I’d call him later. Once the classroom door closed behind the last student, Tony turned to me and smiled. “You know,” he said as he packed up his papers. “I don’t think you realise quite how lucky you are.”
“What?” I asked, confused about what he meant.
“You get to sit there for an hour and a quarter, daydreaming, and I have to stay focused and teach,” he said and I blushed. Sure, he hadn’t exactly accused me of daydreaming about him, but we both knew that I was.
“Sorry,” I whispered, even though I really wasn’t. Tony grinned easily and picked up his bag.
“I’m guessing you’re walking home again tonight?” he asked and I nodded. “Well, even though it’s not raining, I’d still like to drive you home, if that’s okay with you?”
“Yeah,” I smiled. “I’d like that.” Tony just smiled at me again and we walked out of the school together. I liked walking beside him. He was so much taller than me and he just gave off this air of confidence that I didn’t possess. And yet, for some reason, I wasn’t intimidated by him. He’d been nothing but gentle towards me. He was kind of just like a big teddy bear.

Once we got in the car, Tony confused me by turning to face me instead of starting the car. “Are you doing anything tonight?” he asked and I shook my head. I looked at the clock and saw it was almost 4.45. My dad would have already drunk way too much by now, so I was in no real rush to get home.
“No,” I said as I looked up into his eyes that seemed to have lightened to a sea-green colour. He smiled down at me.
“Would you like to join me for dinner?” he asked and I felt my heart skip a beat.
“Really?” I whispered and he smiled and nodded. However, the smile faltered as a light frown grew between his brows. “What’s wrong?”
“I, um…” he stammered. I reached over and placed a hand on his knee reassuringly. “I’m your teacher, Chris. So we can't…”
“We don’t have to go to a restaurant,” I told him. “Could we go to your place?” I didn’t know where I’d got my nerve from, but the question was out there now. Tony looked at me, frowning as he clearly had some sort of internal argument.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” he asked and I shrugged.
“It’s either that, go out in public, or not at all,” I said softly. “And…I don’t think I’m ready to say bye to you yet.” It was Friday and the thought of not seeing him all weekend was miserable.
“My place it is,” he smiled, squeezing my hand before placing it back in my own lap as he started the car. “I feel I ought to warn you, my house is kind of a mess. I wasn’t exactly expecting company.”
“I don’t care,” I said as I rolled my eyes – a bad habit I picked up from Jason. Tony smiled at me, but didn’t say anything more.

While Tony was driving, I took out my phone. I sent a text to Jason – who I knew would have a go at me if I didn’t message him – and to my dad. Sorry I can't call you, I’m having dinner with him! :) was sent to Jason and I’m going to a friend’s house, don’t wait up was sent to my dad. I knew he wouldn’t really care, and he probably wouldn’t even notice that I wasn’t home, but I still felt like I ought to tell them. When I got home from my detention last night, neither my mum nor dad batted an eyelid when I walked through the door. I just retreated to my room, choosing to focus on my kiss with Tony rather than my inattentive parents.

About 10 minutes later, Tony parked outside a building of flats. It wasn’t a big building, only about 5 or 6 floors. “Okay?” he asked and I smiled and nodded. “Are your parents okay with you staying out?”
“Yeah,” I said quickly before getting out of the car. I never talked about my parents, I didn’t even like to think about them. Jason knew better than to ask, but even he brought them up occasionally. I heard Tony get out of the car and come around to stand in front of me.
“Are you okay?” he asked and I nodded.
“So, are you gonna show me where you live?” I asked with a smile, changing the subject. I could tell my Tony’s narrowed gaze that he knew what I’d done, but he didn’t push it. And I fell a little bit more in love with him for dropping the subject.
“I suppose so,” he grinned at me before leading me to the doorway and holding the door for me. “I’m on the third floor.” I nodded and headed for the stairs, Tony close behind me. I could feel his eyes on me as we climbed the stairs and I felt my cheeks burning. Soon enough, we reached the third floor. The corridor led to the left, so I headed that way and was faced with two doors on either side. I turned to Tony and he motioned to the one on the left and unlocked the door and headed inside. I followed and looked around. The door opened straight into the living room and, as Tony had warned me, there was clutter everywhere. There were shoes on the floor, papers and post on the table. But it wasn’t too bad. It was messy but not dirty. Most often, if you go into our kitchen at home, it’s appallingly dirty because my parents can’t be bothered. “Would you like a drink?” Tony asked and I turned to him with a smile.
“Water please,” I said and he nodded.
“Just, um, make yourself comfortable,” he said, waving towards the sofa before vanishing into what I guessed was the kitchen. I crossed the room to sit on the sofa but something caught my eye before I sat. Tony had a set of shelves on the wall, but rather than having any books on them, they were full of photo frames. I smiled gently as my eyes skimmed over all the pictures. Tony featured in most of them. I picked up one of him when he looked about a year or 2 older than me. He was in a black suit with a blonde girl on his arm. I guessed it was for prom or something. I found myself suddenly irrationally jealous of the girl.

Tony came back into the room a moment later and set two glasses on the coffee table on top of unopened post. “Are you gay?” I asked him suddenly and his eye brows rose in surprise.
“Yes,” he said, coming to stand beside me. He took the picture from my hands and smiled softly as he placed it back on the shelf. “I hadn’t come out yet and Becca said she’d go as my date to cover me for my parents. She’s my best friend.” I nodded, feeling guilty for having made him explain. It really wasn’t my place.
“Um, so, when did you come out?” I asked him as he took my hand and led me to the sofa as we sat down together.
“When I was at university,” he said. “I think I was 20, or 21.”
“Did your parents take it okay?” I asked him and he shrugged.
“As well as any parents could take it, I suppose,” he said and I nodded. “Do your parents know?” My hand that wasn’t wrapped in his clenched into a fist, but I hid it from Tony’s view. I had to somehow get across that my parents weren’t a subject I wanted to talk about.
“I haven’t told them,” I said, pulling my hand out of Tony’s as I ran my fingers through my hair.
“Chris-“
“Please don’t,” I said, knowing what was coming. He’d want to know what was going on, why I didn’t want to talk about my parents. But I wasn’t going to answer those questions even if he asked.

I looked up into his eyes, which had gone dark again, and he nodded. I smiled gratefully and took his hand once again. “I just realised something,” Tony said and I frowned curiously. “I haven’t kissed you today yet.” I blushed but didn’t protest as Tony’s lips descended onto mine. I had the exact same reaction I’d had the night before. My heart started to race as my eyes slipped shut and I just lost myself in the sensation. I raised my free hand to the back of his neck and held him firmly against me as my fingers stroked his hair. His kisses were addictive. This time, as we were under no time pressures, our kisses we drawn out and slow and just…perfect. Sure, I didn’t exactly have anything to compare them to, but I was pretty content. Everywhere Tony’s hands landed sent little electric shocks through me – but the good kind that made me silently beg for more.

Eventually we drew apart and just looked at each other. “I can't believe this is really happening,” I whispered, looking into his eyes which were now a light, twinkling green.
“It’s happening,” Tony assured me before pecking my lips once more. “So what do you want for dinner?” I smiled and shrugged.
“Whatever you’re willing to make,” I smiled at him.
“Hey, what makes you think I’m doing all the work?” he asked me, poking me playfully.
“I’m a teenage boy! I can’t cook a thing, the limit of my culinary skills is boiling water. If you want me in your kitchen, then beware,” I told him around a grin. Tony stood up and pulled me with him.
“I think I’ll risk it,” he smiled, wrapping his arm around my waist as he led me into the kitchen. The kitchen was slightly tidier than the living room, though not by much. The kitchen table had all of Tony’s marking on it that he’d clearly given up on the night before. “So, pasta?” Tony asked me as he opened his cupboards. I just smiled and nodded. “And I’ve got some jar of sauce to go with it. Nothing too complicated.” I went to stand beside him as he got 2 pans out of a cupboard and poured a load of dried pasta into the large one before filling it with water and then leaving it to boil. He then turned to me and smiled, placing his hands on my hips and pulling me against him. He raised his hand and gentle stroked his thumb over my cheekbone. He leant down and kissed me once more before crossing the room and gathering the papers on the table. “Just keep stirring the pasta,” he said and I turned and picked up the spoon. Stirring distractedly, I focused all of my attention on Tony. Yesterday morning, if someone had told me I’d be standing in his kitchen preparing a meal for us, I would have scoffed in disbelief. If someone had told me that I would be able to kiss him whenever I wanted, I probably would have laughed in their face.
“Tony?” I asked quietly, still stirring. He stopped what he was doing and turned to me with a gentle smile.
“Hmm?” he murmured. I crossed the kitchen to place a kiss to him lips and press my body against his. I felt and heard Tony’s gasp and couldn’t help but smile as I pulled away. “What was that for?” he whispered, trying to catch his breath.
“Just…wanted to,” I smiled before retreating to the pasta that was starting to bubble. I glanced over my shoulder at Tony and met his smiling eyes.

“So what’s your favourite subject?” Tony asked as we sat at the table eating. I considered the question before answering.
“Geography has been my favourite subject since year 7,” I told him. “I have you to blame for that.”
“You don’t like geography?” Tony asked, a pretend pout on his lips. I laughed and pressed my knee against his under the table.
“It’s okay,” I shrugged. “But it’s the teacher I’m most interested in.”
“He must be pretty incredible to have captured your attention,” he smirked and I smiled.
“He is,” I whispered, looking down at my food.
“So, what’s your favourite subject ignoring the teacher?” he asked and I paused as I thought once again.
“Probably biology,” I said and Tony’s eyebrows went up. “Why are you surprised?”
“Just…wouldn’t peg you for a science-y person,” he said.
“Yeah, I hate physics and chemistry,” I said. “But I like human biology. Plants bore me to death, though.” Tony chuckles and nodded.
“I’ll be sure not to mention that to Mr Burrows,” he said, referring to the biology teacher who was obsessed with plants.
“Thanks,” I grinned, spearing another piece of pasta with my fork and popping it in my mouth. “So why’d you choose geography?” I asked him.
“It was really the only subject I could do,” he said with a self-deprecating shrug. “Not much good at anything else.”
“I’m sure that’s not true,” I said, though I didn’t know him well enough to give examples. Tony looked up at me with a gentle smile. “Well, you really are an amazing teacher. You know, most teachers have kinda…lost passion for their subject. But you never have. It’s nice to see you still like it after all this time.”
“Hey, it hasn’t been that much time,” he said, clearly not too comfortable with the compliment. “I’m not that old.”
“Sure,” I grin, rolling my eyes teasingly.
“How old do you think I am?” he asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“You won't be offended if I get it wrong, will you?” I asked anxiously.
“Only if you think I’m a lot older than I am,” he said and I bit my lip.
“26?” I guessed and he grinned.
“Bang on,” he said.
“So you haven’t worked at another school before?” I asked, quickly doing the maths in my head.
“Only a placement year after university,” he said and I nodded. We were quiet for a moment and I looked up with a smile.
“If I’d buttered you up by guessing you were 23, would that have got me brownie points?” I asked and Tony laughed gently.
“I’d know you were lying if you guessed I was 23,” he said, taking his and my plate to the sink seeing as we’d finished eating. He returned to me and pulled me up and into his arms. “But I would appreciate you pretending that I look that young,” he smiled, resting his forehead against mine.
“I don’t see you as very old,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his waist.
“Liar,” he smirked before lowering his lips onto mine. He tasted like the pasta sauce and something else, something I’d come to associate with only Tony.

--

As the months passed, the drawbacks of our relationship became more and more apparent. At the stage when a normal couple would introduce their partner to friends or family, we weren’t able to do that. We couldn’t go out in public on dates, though we sort of managed to get around that.

I’d told Jason all about what was going on with me and Tony, and he agreed to help us. For example, he would come with me to the café, where we would ‘coincidentally’ run into Tony. Sure, that meant it was the three of us, and Tony and I still couldn’t act like a couple, but it was better than nothing.

I knew that Tony wasn’t exactly thrilled that I’d told Jason about us, but I trusted Jason and I knew he wouldn’t say anything to anyone. I think it was just the whole situation was starting to get to Tony. I mean, it was his job that was on the line. But I really didn’t think he had to worry. He still yelled at me in classes when I zoned out, so I knew no one was any the wiser. And Jason always told us when he thought we did something that might give us away. Like if we’d look at each other for too long, or when I almost called him Tony in the hallways.

I wondered sometimes whether we’d be able to keep it up until I left school. That was another 3 years. Part of me dreaded having to keep us a secret for that long. All I wanted was to be able to walk down the street, or sit in a café, with my boyfriend without being scared of who saw us. And I know Tony wanted that too.

“What do you think you’re gonna do when you finish school?” Tony asked. We were sitting in his classroom. School had finished about an hour and a half ago, but he’d wanted to stay and get some marking done, so I kept him company. I was sitting on a desk, swinging my legs back and forth as I watched him. But his question surprised me.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Do you want to go to university?” he asked and I frowned gently.
“I don’t know,” I said again, hopping off the desk to move closer to him. There were shadows in his eyes and I could see something was bothering him. “What’s wrong?” I asked, crouching down next to him and placing my hand on his knee.
“Just thinking about…the future,” he said and my eyes widened. He was thinking about the future? Our future?
“And…why has that got you down?” I asked gently and he raised his gaze to meet mine.
“Why do you think?” he asked, his tone verging on angry. “We’re never going to be able to be together.” I frowned but didn’t say anything, just waited for him to continue. “For the next 3 years we have to keep this hidden. And then you’ll go to university for 3 years. That’s six whole years and that we won't really be able to be together. And then…by the time you finish university, I’ll be almost 35. You won't want anything to do with me by then.” I couldn’t help but glare at him.
“How the hell can you think that?” I asked him. “You know that’s not true.”
“Do I?” he whispered. “You could have anyone. You’re gonna want some young guy that, you know…”
“No, I don’t know,” I said, standing up straight.
“Someone that will be able to keep up with you, that you’ll have more in common with,” he said and I gritted my teeth.
“You’re an ass,” I told him and he looked up at me in shock. But I wasn’t going to let him sit there and offend me by assuming I would rather be with anyone else. “And you’re an idiot if you think I can find someone who I could care about more than you.” With that, I turned and left his classroom.

I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t want to go home, so instead I headed for Jason’s. I rang the front door bell and thankfully Jason answered the door and not his parents. “Chris?” he asked, clearly confused. “You okay?”
“My boyfriend’s an idiot,” I muttered and Jason smiled sadly as he motioned for me to come inside.
“What happened?” he asked as we sat in his bedroom, the door closed.
“He…just…” I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. “He said I was going to change my mind and go for some guy my age.” I frowned and shook my head.
“Why would he think that?” Jason asked with a frown.
“I don’t know,” I muttered. “He was talking about how long it’s going to take for us to be together because of school and then uni. And then he said that by the time I finish, I’ll want to be with a guy my own age…”
“He sounds kind of…insecure to me,” Jason said and I looked up into his eyes.
“What?” I asked quietly.
“Like…by the time you finish university, he’s gonna be in his thirties,” Jason said.
“So?”
“So he probably feels like he won't be…you know, attractive by then,” he said and I frowned. “I mean, in comparison to all the twenty-somethings that you’ll be surrounded by at uni.”
“But…that’s ridiculous,” I said and Jason just shrugged.
“Can’t help it if that’s how he feels,” he said and I smiled and shook my head.
“When did you get so smart?” I asked him and he grinned and shrugged. “I better go speak to him.”
“Good luck,” Jason smiled and I thanked him before heading to Tony’s flat. I had to hope he was there and not still at school.

When I got to his door I found myself suddenly nervous. I took a deep breath and then knocked. The door immediately opened and Tony gazed at me anxiously. “I’m sorry,” I whispered and Tony let out a breath and then pulled me into his arms tightly. I wrapped my arms around him too and rested my head on his chest.
“I’m sorry, too,” he whispered. He then pulled me into his flat and closed the door. We went to sit on the sofa.
“26 isn't old,” I said gently and he smiled at me tenderly.
“I know,” he said and I frowned.
“So…what’s the problem?” I asked and he sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“It isn't my age it’s just…how young you are,” he said and I pulled back slightly. “No, I don’t mean that it’s a problem it’s just…” He sighed again and looked away. “I’m not explaining this very well, am I?”
“You haven’t explained a thing yet,” I pointed out.
“It isn't the ages exactly, its just the age gap,” he said and I gazed at him in confusion.
“What do you mean?”
“When you’re 20, I’ll be 31,” he said, as though that explained everything.
“So?”
“I won't be good enough for you,” he muttered and my heart faltered slightly.
“Tony, I really don’t understand why you think that,” I whispered.
“You’ll just be starting your adult life and I’ll be…old,” he said with a grimace and I couldn’t help but smile. I reached for his hand and held tight.
“I love you,” I whispered and he raised his head and his wide-eyed gaze met mine. “It doesn’t matter how old you are now, or how old you’ll be in the future. I love you for who you are. The fact that you’re a bit older than me is irrelevant.”
“You love me?” he whispered and I smiled.
“Yeah, I really do,” I whispered, shifting closer to him.
“I love you, too,” he said quietly. “So much.” I smiled and leant forward and pressed my lips to his.
“Promise me you’ll stop worrying about you getting old,” I said and he looked at me for a second before sighing and nodding.
“I promise,” he whispered. “Promise me you’ll never leave me because I’m old.”
“I promise,” I said around a laugh as I moved into his lap and lowered my lips to his once again.

After a few minutes, something in my head told me that this was it. It just felt so right. So I slipped my hands under Tony’s shirt and gently brushed my fingers over his hips. Tony’s hold on me grew tighter. I started unbuttoning his shirt and pushed it to the sides so that I had complete access to his perfect chest. I broke the kiss and moved my lips to his throat as my hands fully explored his body. When they reached his black chino’s that he wore for work, Tony’s hands grabbed my wrists. “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice breathy.
“Um, I…I thought…” I trailed of as I bit the inside of my cheek. I felt my cheeks turn red in embarrassment.
“Oh, baby,” Tony whispered, gently tilting my chin up so I would look into his eyes. “I would love to do that with you. But…you’re 15.”
“So?” I asked, annoyed that he was bringing up our ages so soon after we’d settled that argument.
“You’re not legal, baby,” he said gently, an unreadable expression in his gaze as he stroked my cheek. “And besides, I want you to be absolutely sure that this is what you want.”
“I want you,” I whispered. “Always.” Tony took a deep breath and then shook his head.
“I can't until you’re 16,” he said adamantly. I frowned and climbed off his lap to stand up. I’d had this image of what it would be like when we finally said the love word to each other. I’d always imagined Tony saying it first and me saying it back immediately. And then Tony would have swept me into his arms, into his bedroom, and we would have made love. “Please don’t be mad,” Tony said gently as he stood and started buttoning his shirt.
“I’m not mad,” I whispered. “Just…disappointed, I guess.”
“If it helps, I am, too,” he said and I looked up at him.
“Really?”
“Are you kidding?” he asked with a smile. “You’re gorgeous, Chris. I can’t wait to be with you like that.” I smiled up at him and moved closer to him once again and wrapped my arms around his neck. “I love you,” he mumbled as his lips moved close to mine.
“I love you, too,” I whispered as my eyes slipped closed and he kissed me.

--

For the next few months, Tony and I tried to keep it PG. We really did. But sometimes…things just got out of hand. I mean, we never did anything like that, but we did one time find ourselves wearing only our underwear as we made out on his bed. My phone had rung, fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), making us pull away from one another.

When the summer holidays started, I pretty much started living at Tony’s. He didn’t mind, though he constantly asked if it was okay with my parents. I assured him it was, even though I hadn’t actually told them I wouldn’t be home at night. They never noticed anyway. Sometimes I wondered what they did when I wasn’t in the house. I wondered if my dad continued drinking and my mum would still be sitting in her rocking chair in the corner of the living room, lost in her alternate reality. Living with my mum as a child had never been easy. I could never understand why she never really looked at me, why she didn’t acknowledge me, why she just stared into space muttering to herself under her breath. But it was bearable because my dad was there for me. But then…he just couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t handle a wife who was away with the fairies every moment of every day. I was 11 when he started drinking, and he’s been doing it ever since.

“I turn 16 next week,” I whispered suddenly, shifting on Tony’s lap.
“I know,” he smiled. I kept reminding him that it was my birthday, because I so badly wanted to celebrate it with him. In his bed.
“I can't wait,” I said softly, looking at him with a pout.
“Well, you’re gonna have to,” he smiled, pecking my lips. “You’ll get your present bright and early next Tuesday.” Bright and early? My stomach filled with butterflies at the thought. “I don’t mean that,” Tony said, nudging me, clearly seeing my shock.
“Oh,” I said, only just managing to hide my disappointment.
“You’ll get that later in the evening,” he said and I grinned and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Wait,” I said, suddenly realising what he’d said a moment ago. “You got me a present?”
“It’s your birthday,” he said, as though not understanding why he wouldn’t get a present.
“But you’re all I want,” I told him and his eyes softened as he smiled at me.
“Then you’ll get extra,” he smiled, kissing me once more.
“What is it?” I asked and Tony laughed and shook his head.
“Like I’m gonna tell you,” he said, rolling his eyes. I pouted but he just continued laughing. “Not gonna work.” I huffed and turned to the television. I felt Tony shaking slightly and I knew he was still laughing at me. I continued to pout as I moved off his lap to sit on the sofa, stubbornly crossing my arms and keeping my eyes on the TV screen. “Aw, baby, don’t be mad,” he whispered, leaning to place kisses to my neck, his nose nudging me. I bit my lip hard to keep a straight face.
“Not gonna work,” I said, repeating his words. I felt Tony start laughing again and the corner of my lips quirked up.
“Do you have any idea just how much I love you?” he whispered in my ear and I melted and turned to him.
“That’ll work,” I whispered and he grinned as he caught my lips with his.
“I love you so much,” he mumbled against my lips as I climbed back onto his lip to straddle him.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, running my hands under his shirt. “So, so much.” Quickly, his shirt was removed along with mine. I pressed my chest against his as I ground my crotch against his. He moaned slightly and I swear it was the best sound in the world. I ran my fingers through his hair, tugging gently. Suddenly, Tony stood up from the sofa, lifting me with him. I gasped and quickly wrapped my legs around his waist to hold on.

Moments later, we fell onto Tony’s bed. I kept my legs firmly around him until I felt his hands at my jeans. I quickly raised my hips to help him remove them. I managed to make quick work of his jeans. Oh, God! I thought as I felt Tony’s fingers skimming along just above my waistband. This is going to happen. Slowly, cautiously, I moved my hands to Tony’s underwear and pushed them down his legs just as he pushed mine down. I gasped and arched into him as we touched skin on skin from our foreheads to our toes. It was the most incredible feeling in the world. I wanted to say something, to tell Tony how amazing this felt, but I was terrified that he’d stop. Instead, I just lost myself in the sensation. Tony started stretching me gently as he kissed me neck. I writhed beneath him. And then Tony lubed himself and started pushing into me. I squirmed at the slight pain, but no way in hell was I going to tell him to stop. I wanted this, I needed this. I wrapped my legs around Tony’s waist once again and raised my hips to his, encouraging him to thrust harder, deeper. All I could hear in the room was out laboured breathing. Suddenly, Tony hit a spot inside me and I arched my back as a small cry left my lips. Oh, wow, that felt good. Tony continued to aim for that spot again and again and I felt my body start to tighten. I gazed up into Tony’s eyes and as he lowered his lips to mine, the muscles finally released and I came. I’d never experienced such an incredible sensation before. My toes curled and my fingers pulled at Tony’s hair as my body shook beneath him. I felt Tony still and he moaned my name as he came, too.

He then fell on top of me, his head resting on my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair as I waited for my breathing to return to normal. “Wow, Tony,” I whispered but then I felt Tony tense.
“Oh, shit,” he whispered, suddenly pulling back and looking down at me, his eyes filled with despair. “We…I…shouldn’t have…” He shook his head as he gazed down at me.
“It doesn’t matter,” I whispered, raising my hand to rest on his cheek. “No one else will know but us.” He stared at me and I felt my heart falter at the look in his eyes, as though this was my fault.
“It was all I had left,” he whispered, before getting out of bed, pulling a pair of grey sweats on and leaving the room. I stared after him confused and suddenly incredibly lonely. I just wanted to lie in bed with him and cuddle in our post-orgasmic bliss.

Slowly, I got out of bed, ignoring the twinge of pain in my lower back, and pulled on my jeans and t-shirt. Cautiously, I went into the living room and found Tony sitting on the sofa, staring at the floor. “Tony?” I whispered and I saw him visibly tense. I went and sat next to him and felt like crying when he shifted away from me slightly.
“You knew I didn’t want to,” he whispered and I frowned.
“How is this my fault?” I asked him, hurt that he was accusing me, as though I’d seduced him against his will. “You’re the one that carried me into the bedroom.”
“I need some time, Chris,” he said and I frowned as I realised what he was asking.
“You…you want me to leave?” I whispered, suddenly terrified.
“I just…need to think,” he said, still without looking up.
“Tony,” I whispered, feeling on the brink of tears. “Please.”
“I’ll phone you later, okay,” he said. It wasn’t a question. I stood, swallowing my tears, and quickly pulled my shoes on and left. It wasn’t too late, only about 11.30, but it was dark. I walked slowly, really not wanting to go home.

After walking for about 10 minutes, the tears finally started falling. He’d thrown me out after we’d made love for the first time. The thought made me feel so disgusted with myself.

Eventually, I reached my house. I couldn’t really avoid it. I took a deep breath before climbing the stairs and opening the front door. The smell of alcohol immediately hit me and I grimaced. Instead of greeting either of my parents, I went straight to my room. I just wanted to wallow in my sadness for a few moment. I wondered what Tony was thinking, did he really hate me? Part of me wanted to regret what had happened between us, only because Tony clearly did. But another part of me was beyond happy, because in the moment, it had been amazing. The moments after, not so much, but at the time, it had been amazing.

I sighed as I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Just as I was starting to wonder whether Tony would, in fact, call me, I heard the doorbell ring. I jumped out of bed but didn’t beat my dad to the door. “Who the fuck are you?” he asked just as I reached the bottom of the stairs.
“Tony,” I whispered, gazing at him. He looked concerned and nervous as his gaze moved from my dad to me.
“Hey,” he said gently. My dad just grunted before going back to the living room. Tony’s eyes followed him and then returned to me. “I should never have let you leave,” he whispered, stepping inside and closing the gap between us. I looked up into his green eyes that were now darker than I’ve ever seen them. “Will you please come back to my flat?” he asked and I eagerly nodded, even though things still felt tense between us. I just didn’t want to be in this house. Tony took my hand and a small smile tugged at my lips as we walked down my driveway to his car.

The drive back to his was silent. There were things we both wanted to talk about, but not now. Soon enough, we were back outside Tony’s building and he pulled to a stop. We both sat silently for a moment before getting out of the car. I hated that I felt uncomfortable talking, but both of our minds were focused on our argument, or whatever you would call it. Tony took my hand again as we walked inside and up to his flat.

Once we were inside, the air between us thickened and I looked up at his nervously. “Was that your dad?” he asked, surprising me. I felt my cheeks flush as I looked away from him. I didn’t want to talk about my dad.
“Yeah,” I said shortly, praying that he got the message to stay away from that topic. “So, will you tell me why you freaked out?”
“I haven’t always been a teacher, Chris,” he said, running his hands through his hair. We moved into the living room and sat on the sofa. I looked at him, waiting for him to continue. “Before I became a teacher I…I had another job. One that I’m not exactly proud of.” His expression made my heart tighten in my chest, he was clearly disgusted. “I’ve never told anyone this before,” he whispered and my eyes widened. I reached over and took his hand.
“So…what was your previous job?” I asked gently.
“I, um, did…adult movies,” he whispered. It took a moment for that to click.
“You mean…porn?” I finished in a whisper as I felt my cheeks burn red.
“Yeah,” he muttered, taking his hand away from mine. “I was in a bad place when I was at university. And I got in with the wrong crowd. I drank too much, I took all sorts of drugs, and then I just…I needed the money and it paid incredibly well.” I stared at him, trying to picture him as a student, drinking and taking drugs. I couldn’t. He was too perfect.
“What happened?” I asked and he shrugged.
“I realised that it wasn’t what I wanted,” he said. “My sister got married and I realised that that was the life I wanted. I wanted love. So I stopped, finished my degree and qualified to be a teacher. I pulled myself together.”
“So…why did you get angry?” I asked gently and he sighed. I’d decided to file away the fact that he’d made porn until later, when I could properly think about it.
“It was the only rule I hadn’t broken,” he whispered. “I’ve done drugs that I shouldn’t have done, I’ve drank, I’ve made porn, I’ve done just about every bad thing in the book. But I’d never had sex with a minor. And I…I don’t know, I guess I prided myself on having that one thing left clear on my conscience.”
“I’m so sorry, Tony,” I whispered, reaching for his hand again. His head was tilted away from me, but I could see tears on his cheeks.
“It’s not your fault,” he sighed. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I mumbled. I moved closer to him but he sighed.
“Do you hate me now?” he whispered and I frowned, confused.
“Hate you?” I asked. “Why would I hate you?”
“For…knowing what I’ve done,” he whispered.
“Tony, look at me,” I said, coaxing his face up. “I can’t hate you for having a past, everyone has one. And I’m so honoured that you’ve shared yours with me. I love you, Tony, I want to know every last thing about you; the good and the bad. Nothing will stop me from loving you.” He smiled at me weakly.
“Do you promise?” he whispered and I nodded as I gazed into his glassy eyes.
“Yes,” I whispered, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips.
“I love you so much,” he said in a breath as he leant against my shoulder. I smiled and wrapped my arms around him tightly.
“I love you too, more than anything in the world,” I whispered, leaning my head against his.

A little later, we were sitting quietly watching television when Tony cleared his throat. I looked at him, knowing he wanted to say something, though he looked kind of hesitant. “So…your dad…” he started and I tensed.
“What about him?” I asked bitterly. I hated that our perfect moment was being ruined by mentioning that man.
“Does he always answer the door like that?” Tony asked and I sighed and pulled away from him, knowing he wasn’t going to let this go.
“On the rare occasion we have someone at the door, yeah,” I said. Tony frowned and turned to me. I smiled softly as I repeated his words from before, “I’ve never told anyone this, either.” Tony’s expression grew even more concerned as he maybe realised the gravity of the situation.
“My mum has a mental disorder,” I whispered. “I don’t know what it is, I don’t think she’s ever been officially diagnosed. I think its post-traumatic stress, but I don’t know. She’s been like it since I can remember. And my dad’s been drinking for the same amount of time. They just sit in the living room together, my mum lost in her alternate reality and my dad close to passing out.”
“Oh, Chris,” Tony whispered, suddenly bringing tears to my eyes. “He’s never…hit you or anything, right?”
“No,” I whispered and I saw Tony visibly relax. “Only, like, swearing and stuff. Most of the time, they don’t remember I exist. That’s why it’s so easy to be here.”
“They don’t know where you are?” he asked with a gentle frown.
“They don’t even know I’m not in the house,” I told him and his frown deepened. “It’s not that bad, I’m used to it. I’m pretty self-sufficient, really. I’ve had to be.” Tony shook his head and pulled me into his lap and held me tightly.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispered. I smiled weakly and shrugged.
“It is what it is,” I whispered. Tony dropped a kiss to my forehead as he held me close.
“Does Jason not know?” Tony asked and I shook my head. “You should tell him, he’s your best friend.”
“I…I didn’t want anyone to know,” I whispered.
“Why?”
“I didn’t want…people prying or authorities getting involved. It’s not much longer and then I’ll leave, anyway,” I said with a shrug. I looked up into Tony’s eyes and saw nothing but concern in his gaze.
“Promise me something,” he whispered and I nodded. “Promise that if you ever need to, you’ll come here. No matter the time of day or night, you come here, okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered with a small smile. I leant into his chest as my smile grew and I knew that I’d be okay – Tony would never let anything happen to me.

--

The morning of my birthday, I woke up to Tony’s lips on my neck. I smiled but kept my eyes closed as I revelled in the feel of his lips against my warm skin. “Morning,” he mumbled against my skin, knowing I was awake without having to check.
“Morning,” I gasped, as Tony nipped at my skin.
“Sleep okay?” he asked and I just moaned. Tony grinned before placing a final kiss to my lips before pulling away. “Happy birthday, my gorgeous boyfriend,” he smiled and I grinned, wrapping my arms around his neck.
“Thank you,” I smiled, leaning up to kiss him.
“I want to make you breakfast in bed,” he said when the kiss came to an end and I smiled.
“I don’t think I’m gonna complain about that,” I said and he grinned at me. He handed me the remote for the small television he had in his bedroom.
“I won't be too long,” he said and I grinned.
“I hope not,” I said gently. Tony placed a final kiss to my lips before turning and leaving the room.

I flicked the television on and watched some morning television show that I wasn’t too interested in. I could hear Tony crashing about in the kitchen and couldn’t help but giggle to myself as I imagined him in the kitchen. About 20 minutes later, Tony appeared in the bedroom doorway, holding a tray laden with food and wearing a massive grin. “Hey,” I smiled, sitting up from my slouched position.
“Hope you’re hungry,” he said, placing the tray on my lap. I stared at the toast, the bacon, the eggs, the pancakes, the waffles. My mouth started to water. I grasped Tony’s hand and pulled him back into bed with me and we set about devouring the incredible breakfast he’d made.
“You know,” I said as I shoved a mouthful of pancakes into my mouth, “I think these are the best pancakes I’ve ever had.” Tony just rolled his eyes at me, leaning over to wipe syrup from the corner of my mouth. I blushed slightly, but didn’t really care that much. It was Tony, after all, and he loved me. “I can't believe this day has finally arrived,” I whispered and Tony hummed.
“Me neither,” he said softly. He reached over and took my free hand, running his thumb over my knuckles. “At least now it’s not so bad that we’re together.” I frowned gently and pulled my hand free from his. I hated when he said things like that. When he made it sound like he thinks we shouldn’t be together. I know he doesn’t really mean anything by it, that its only for his own moral comfort, but still. I looked up into Tony’s eyes and found him looking at me full of regret. He knew he’d upset me. I sighed softly, this day suddenly took a turn for the worse.

I set my fork down, suddenly losing my appetite. “I don’t think we can do this anymore,” I whispered, my heart breaking with my words.
“What?” Tony gasped, reaching for my hand again. I turned and looked up into his wide, scared eyes.
“We can't,” I whispered, pulling my hand from his and climbing out of the bed. I pulled on my jeans and without looking at Tony, I went into the living room to find my jacket.
“Chris,” he whispered.
“You can't do this, Tony,” I told him. “And no matter how many times I tell you I love you or try to convince you that the age doesn’t matter…you don’t listen to me. In a couple years’ time, when I leave school, would you really want to be with me publicly?” I saw a pang of fear flash into his eyes and I nodded. “We were stupid to think that this would even work in the first place,” I whispered, desperately fighting back my own tears. Tony wore an expression filled with hurt and regret.
“I love you, Chris,” he whispered. “Please…don’t leave me.” I gritted my teeth.
“You’re never going to be okay with our relationship, Tony,” I said, pulling my shoes on. “And…I can't stand hearing you say that we’re wrong every single day. It hurts too much. I’m sorry.” I looked at him for a final moment and then walked out of his apartment.

--

For the rest of the summer I distracted myself. I got a job at the local supermarket and spent a lot of time hanging out with Jason. He wanted to know what happened, but all I told him was that Tony and I were just incompatible. It hurt even just saying that because it was a lie. We weren’t incompatible, not in all the ways that mattered, just our age.

I was dreading going back to school. I was dreading seeing him again. I was going into year 11, a year that mattered so I knew I couldn’t screw it up just because my ex-boyfriend was my teacher. The first day of school we went straight into classes. The younger years had a sort of “fun day” which eased them back into being at school, but not us. My timetable was hideous. I had Geography first thing on a Monday and last thing on Wednesday and Friday. I would start and end the week with Tony and I don’t even get a break in the middle.

Jason and I headed to Geography along with the rest of our class and I stiffened when I realised that we weren’t scheduled to be in Tony’s classroom. Everyone was muttering about the change. Mrs Tilman was the other Geography teacher and she seemed nice enough, but I’d never had her before. Once we were sat in the room, one of the girls looked up and asked the question we were all thinking. “Where’s Mr Clare?”
“We’ve swapped classes,” Mrs Tilman said. “We figured that it would be beneficial for both classes to experience different types of teaching.” That was such bullshit, I thought. I wanted to storm into Tony’s classroom and scream at him for being such a wimp and not facing me. But I didn’t. Besides, once I was actually looking at him, I doubt I’d be able to do anything other than cry. The class started muttering amongst themselves as they tried to decide whether that reason was legitimate. I looked at Jason and he was looking at me warily, as though I might break down at any moment. I sent him a week smile before Mr Tilman got the class settled down again and started the lesson.

I definitely preferred having Tony as my teacher. I didn’t really like Geography as it was and having a teacher I didn’t really like was horrendous. But there was nothing to do about it now.

When we were walking out of our lesson, I raised my gaze and my eyes landed on Tony. I felt my heart clench in my chest. God, I missed him. So much. It had been almost a month since I’d last seen him. Tony and I gazed at each other but then he turned away and we back into his classroom. “I’ll catch you up,” I said to Jason, not waiting for his reply. I went into Tony’s classroom without knocking and then closed the door behind me. He was sitting at his desk staring at the wood but not actually doing anything. “You could have still done the class, it’s not like I would have-“
“It’s not about you, Chris,” he said. He sounded tired. And not just because it was the first day of school, but properly bone tired. “It’s me. I just couldn’t…face you.” I frowned at him.
“You couldn’t face me?” I asked, confused and kind of hurt.
“Yeah,” he whispered and I realised that I’d never seen someone as broken as Tony was right then. “Not after…what you said.”
“I didn’t…I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true,” I whispered, gazing at him.
“I know,” he sighed. “You were so right, Chris, that’s what’s so… I’m so ashamed of myself. You deserved so much better than me.”
“No, I just wanted you to be happy with me,” I whispered, feeling tears prick in my eyes. “You were never really happy, never comfortable.”
“I know,” he whispered and hearing his acknowledge me now was like a physical blow to my heart. He’d never really agreed with me before; I’d never given him the chance. “I was such an idiot. My life has become so utterly unbearable since you left.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Me, too,” I whispered and Tony raised his head to look at me.
“But…it’s what you wanted,” he whispered and I stared at him and shook my head.
“You think I wanted to walk away from…us?” I whispered, partly in horror. “I never wanted that, Tony. I just wanted you to…want to be with me. But you couldn’t give me that and I completely understand. I just couldn’t stand feeling like some…dirty secret that you had to keep hidden. I wanted to be able to go out with you. Not now, but, in a few years. And I knew you’d never want that. You were just…scared. And I get it, I do. I just couldn’t put myself through that.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and I smiled and nodded.
“I know,” I whispered.
“You know how much I loved you, though, right?” he whispered and I nodded. “And you know how much I still love you?”
“I know,” I whispered, closing my eyes against the onslaught of emotions. “I love you, too. But, you’re ashamed of me, Tony. When I’m 25 and you’re in your late thirties, would you be ready to be with me in public by then?” Tony frowned at me.
“Would you really want to be seen with me, though?” he whispered and I frowned.
“What?” I asked.
“You should be with someone your own age who’s right for you,” he said. “Not some old guy like me…”
“You promised you’d stop,” I told him, my expression morphing into a glare.
“I can't just stop feeling insecure, Chris,” he snapped and I blinked, realising that he was right. It hadn’t been fair of me to ask him to stop stressing about age and how old he was. I had to prove to him that those things don’t matter to me. This wasn’t up to him, this was me. As his boyfriend, it was my job to take away his insecurities.
“Oh, God,” I whispered, leaning against a desk and holding my head in my hands.
“What? What is it?” Tony asked, standing up. I looked up at him and saw nothing but concern on his face.
“I…I made a mistake,” I whispered, looking up into his dark eyes that almost looked black.
“What?” His eyes were wide as he gazed at me.
“I made a mistake,” I said again. “I never should have left you. You’re right, I can't just expect you not to care about your age overnight. It’s my job to prove to you that I really don’t care about how old you are. And me leaving…probably only made things worse, right?” He didn’t reply, but his eyes told me all I wanted to know. I so badly wanted to hold him, to kiss him and promise I’ll never leave him again, but the fact we were at school prevented me. “I’m so, so sorry, Tony,” I whispered, wondering if he’d ever be able to forgive me. I stepped closer to him but then there was a knock on the door and I quickly backed away and blinked away the start of tears from my eyes.

I turned and saw Mrs Tilman enter the room but she stopped when she saw me. “Oh, sorry, am I interrupting?” she said, looking at Tony.
“No,” I said, realising that he wasn’t going to answer. “I was just leaving.” I saw Tony’s head jerk up, but ignored him and left the classroom, closing the door behind me. I took a deep breath and bit back my tears and then headed off to find Jason. He was at his locker, as I’d hoped he’d be.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, immediately reading my expression.
“I’m such an idiot,” I whispered and Jason rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, well, you’re only 16, you’re allowed to make mistakes,” he said, turning back to his locker.
“What?” I asked, frowning in confusion. “How do you…why…?” I couldn’t even work out what I wanted to ask.
“I told you he was insecure about his age, Chris,” he said softly.
“Why…why didn’t you tell me that I shouldn’t have left him?” I gaped at him and he shrugged.
“I thought I had,” he shrugged. “But you’re stubborn and you thought you were right. But that doesn’t even matter now. He loves you, Chris, you just need to make him believe that you love him.”
“He doesn’t believe me?” I whispered in horror.
“I dunno, maybe he does,” Jason shrugged again. “But if he’s still so conscious of the age gap, maybe he doesn’t.” I bit my lip as I thought that Jason was probably right.
“But…how can I make him believe me?” I asked desperately.
“I don’t know,” Jason said. “It’s your relationship, Chris. You understand him better than I do.” I frowned – after all that Jason had said, I wasn’t so sure anymore. “So make some gesture to show him you love him.”

For the rest of the day, I tried to think about a gesture that would prove to Tony just how I felt about him. I could buy him something, but I wasn’t sure what he wanted or what would say ‘I love you’. I didn’t see or speak to Tony for the rest of the day. I missed him desperately. But I just didn’t know how to prove to him that I loved him more than anything and that his age meant nothing to me.

Later that night, I sat in the kitchen doing my homework when my dad stumbled in. He looked at me in confusion, as though he didn’t know what I was doing there, and then went to the fridge. I sighed when he pulled out another beer. “You say something?” he asked angrily.
“No,” I muttered.
“Damn right you didn’t you little fag,” he said.
“Hey!” I said, standing up angrily. He’d very rarely spoken to me when he was drunk, let alone said something like that. “I’m the only one in this god-forsaken family that has any sort of future.” Before I even knew it, my dad raised his hand and back-handed me across the face. I was proud of myself for not falling, but my hand rested on my cheek where he’d hit me as I gaped at him. He’d never hit me and I’d never thought it was even a possibility.
“Get out of my house,” he said. I stared at him, watched as he swayed slightly due his drunken state.
“Gladly,” I spat and then gathered up my work from the table, threw it in my backpack and left.

Just over 15 minutes later, I knocked on the familiar door. I held my breath until Tony opened the door and looked at me in confused shock. “Chris?” he asked. I didn’t reply – I couldn’t. I immediately moved into his arms and broke down. “Oh, God, Chris, what’s wrong?” I just held onto him tighter and cried into his chest. Tony’s arms held me close. They were comforting. I heard the front door close and then Tony led me into the living room. The television was on in the background, but Tony quickly turned it off and sat me on the sofa, hovering next to me. “Can I get you anything? Do you want a drink?” he asked, clearly at a loss of what he should do.
“Just hold me,” I whispered, clinging to him desperately. Tony willingly obliged and held his arms open to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and started crying again. Tony pulled me into his lap and held me tightly, tucking my head under his chin. He whispered soothing words to me as he held me tightly and rocked me gently as I sobbed.

After about 10 minutes, I eventually stopped crying but wouldn’t leave Tony’s embrace. “Can I ask you something?” Tony asked and I swallowed nervously but nodded into his chest, not looking up again him. “Why did you come here?” I pulled away quickly, mortified and humiliated. Did he not want me here? “No, no,” he said quickly, holding onto my hand tightly. “I just…thought you would have gone to Jason.”
“I need you,” I whispered as I settled back against his chest. Tony was silent and I didn’t say anymore. I stared at his shirt as I absentmindedly traced the lines with the tip of my finger.
“You…maybe want to tell me what happened?” Tony whispered, running his fingers through my hair in that way that made me relax.
“He hit me,” I whispered. I felt Tony tense beneath me. “He’s never done it before. I just…don’t understand it. I never thought he’d actually…”
“Hey,” Tony whispered as I started to cry once again. “You’re okay, you’re safe now, baby.” I smiled weakly and buried my face in his chest once again. I’d missed his smell so much.
“I love you,” I whispered, shifting closer, if that was even possible. “So, so much. I’ve hated being away from you, I’ve hated not seeing you every day, not speaking to you. I missed you so much it hurts.”
“I know,” Tony whispered. “Living without you has been the worst month of my life.”
“Why don’t you believe me?” I whispered, gazing up into his wide eyes. “I think you are the most gorgeous, amazing, funny, smartest, sweetest, sexiest guy I have ever met. It kills me that you think you’re not everything I want, everything I need. It hurts that you think so little of me that I could be so shallow and leave you because you’re a bit older than me.”
“But you could have anyone, Chris,” Tony whispered and I turned and stared at him.
“I don’t want just anyone,” I said adamantly. “I want you. Always.” Tony exhales slowly and shakes his head.
“I just…don’t understand why,” he whispered.
“Because I love you,” I whispered. “I love you for who you are and who I am when I’m with you. Not your age or anything else. But just…you. It hurts that you think so little of yourself because you can't see why I want you.”
“I guess…I just need time,” he whispered and I smiled.
“I can give you time as long as you promise me something,” I said and he nodded.
“Anything,” he said.
“Don’t ever say that we shouldn’t be together because of our ages, don’t ever say that its wrong,” I said. Hearing him say that about our relationship tore me apart.
“I promise,” he whispered, his green eyes dark, wide and earnest. I smiled up at him.
“Good,” I sighed, leaning against his shoulder.
“Please don’t leave me again,” Tony whispered, almost bringing tears back to my eyes.
“I won't,” I whispered. “I don’t think I could bear it.”
“Me neither,” he whispered. I looked up and was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
“Oh, Tony,” I whispered. “I never stopped loving you, you know. Even when we weren’t together. I’ve loved you from the first second I saw you.” Tony smiled softly and finally leant down to kiss me. Oh, God, I’d missed his kisses.
“I know, I could tell by the way you stared at me in lessons,” Tony whispered, a smile tugging at his lips. I felt myself blush. “But it’s okay, because I’m pretty sure I fell for you immediately, too.” I smiled and leant back in to kiss him once again.

The rest of the night we spent cuddled up together. Tony put the television back on and we found some random movie that was playing, but neither of us really watched it. “I’m sorry about your dad,” Tony whispered and I shrugged. I didn’t want to think about it.
“Can I stay here tonight?” I whispered. “Please?”
“Of course,” he said. “I wasn’t going to let you go, anyway.” I smiled at him and kiss him once again.

--

Over the next month or so, I spent pretty much every night at Tony’s. He wouldn’t let me go home. He’d even cleared out some space in his wardrobe for my clothes that I’d picked up when I knew my dad would be out. My mum had been home, but she’d been as vacant as ever.

“Can I ask you something?” I said cautiously one night. Tony frowned, obviously picking up on my tone.
“Sure,” he said with a gentle frown.
“You know you said you did…um, adult movies?” I asked, feeling my cheeks turn red. Neither of us had really mentioned that night since it happened. But I just couldn’t not bring it up anymore. I saw a frown flit across Tony’s expression and he nodded. “How, um, long were you doing it for?” I’d only been given the brief account before and now I wanted to know everything.
“About a year,” he said and I felt myself sag with relief. I don’t know why I was relieved, but I was. A year wasn’t too long.
“And…um, how many movies did you make?” I asked and Tony’s eyes jumped to mine.
“Too many,” he mumbled and I knew he wasn’t going to tell me anymore.
“You’re glad you stopped, right?” I whispered and Tony looked at me like I’d suddenly grown an extra head.
“Of course I am,” he said. “What sort of question is that? If I hadn’t have stopped, God knows where I’d be. I’d still be drinking and doing drugs…I might even be dead.” The thought chilled me to my heart. Tony ran his hands through his hair and sighed before looking up at me. “I should probably tell you…” he said softly and he immediately had all of my attention. “By the end of it…I was so sick of it all, of having sex with no real feeling, and I hadn’t…um, you know, slept with anyone since then. Until you.” I stared at him, my lips parted in shock. I quickly worked out that that must have been at least 5 years. Immediately, I felt guilty.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered and Tony’s head snapped up. “Were you…I mean, I wouldn’t have…if I had known. Did you want to…when we…?” I trailed off, not knowing what to say, how to apologise.
“Hey,” Tony whispered, taking my hand tightly. “It was amazing, Chris. One of the best nights of my life. Possibly the best, except for the fact that I then kicked you out…” He shook his head, grimacing. “If you’d been 16, I would have been all over you, trust me. I’d wanted to get rid of the whole…sex without feelings thing, and with you, it was gone. We made love, Chris, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I didn’t care about how old you were, how old I was, I just…loved you.” I gazed at him, watching as those words sunk in and he turned to me in wonder.
“I know,” I smiled. I climbed into his lap and kissed him gently. “That’s how I feel all the time. We’re gonna have to work on you,” I said with a gentle smile and Tony smiled at me lovingly and I melted inside. “Okay, one more question and then I’m done,” I said and Tony chuckled.
“You can ask me as many as you like, I don’t have any secrets from you now,” he said and I grinned and couldn’t help but quickly kiss him.
“Do you have your…movies?” I asked him and he stilled. “I’d like to, um, see.”
“You have to be 18 to watch porn,” he whispered and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.
“Oh, come on, Tony,” I said. “Most 16 year olds watch porn.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Did you watch porn when you were 16?” He glanced at me and I couldn’t help but grin at his guilty expression. “Besides, its not like I’m watching it to…you know. I’m just watching it to learn about my boyfriend’s past.” Tony sighed again.
“Fine,” he muttered, before he stood up and went into the bedroom. I grinned with the success.

He came back a moment later with a dvd plastic case and pulled the disc out. “Was this from the beginning or the end?” I asked him as I settled myself on the sofa.
“Around the middle,” he said.
“So, before you started hating it?” I asked and he nodded. I could tell he wasn’t comfortable. I patted the spot on the sofa beside me and he sat down. I instantly took hold of his hand. “We don’t have to watch it, if you don’t want to,” I said gently but he shook his head.
“It’s okay,” he said but I could still feel how tense he was.
“Turn it off if you get too uncomfortable, okay?” I asked him and he nodded. He then pressed a button to get the dvd playing.

The scene on the television was set in a classroom. Tony was the teacher. Oh, God. “Why did you pick this one?” I asked him, turning away from the screen briefly. Tony frowned and shook his head.
“I wasn’t thinking,” he mumbled. I turned my attention back to the screen. After a few minutes of awkward acting and horrendous innuendos, the action really started. First, Tony’s shirt and tie were removed, then the other guy’s. The other guy was meant to be several years younger than Tony, obviously, but they looked to be about the same age. The pair of them made out for several long minutes, and then Tony pushed the other guy onto his knees. I could feel myself starting to blush as I realised what was about to happen. I felt a stab of jealousy as I watched some random guy touching my boyfriend, even if it was obviously fake and happened 5 years ago. “Are you okay?” Tony asked me gently. I just nodded, my lips parting in shock when Tony’s trousers and underwear were removed. The guy’s lips were then on him and I looked away, shifting in my seat.
“Can you turn it off?” I asked quietly. Tony immediately did as I asked.
“Chris?” he whispered after a minute when I still hadn’t said anything.
“I’m…confused,” I whispered and Tony frowned with worry.
“Confused?” he asked.
“I…don’t know what to think,” I said gently.
“Talk to me, baby,” he said, placing his fingers on my chin and lifting my gaze to meet his. I smiled softly and he visibly relaxed seeing my smile.
“Do you keep in contact with any of the…um, guys?” I asked and Tony smiled gently.
“No,” he said. “Are you jealous?”
“Maybe,” I muttered.
“You have nothing to be jealous about, Chris,” he said softly.
“I know,” I whispered, leaning into his warm body. “I just…they had you first.”
“They never had me,” he whispered. “Not in the way you do.” I smiled softly and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Is there anything else?” Tony whispered, running his fingers through my hair. I felt myself flush.
“It was, um…you looked…” I pulled away from Tony, my cheeks felt like they would catch on fire at any moment.
“Are you…turned on?” Tony asked, making me blush even more.
“Yes,” I whispered. I peeked up at Tony through my eye lashes and saw a slight smile and his dark, hungry eyes. Making a snap decision, I slid off the sofa and moved between Tony’s legs, just as the guy on the film had. My hands moved to Tony’s jeans and quickly unbuttoned them. I gazed up into Tony’s wide and surprised eyes. “Let me take care of you, Mr Clare,” I whispered. Tony groaned and his head fell back onto the sofa.

--

5 years later

“I can’t believe I’ve finally finished,” I grinned at my boyfriend. He took me into his arms and held me tightly.
“Congratulations, baby,” Tony smiled. “I’m so proud of you.” I couldn’t stop grinning. I was proud of me, too. “I made us a reservation at Little Italy.” I grinned more; Little Italy was my all time favourite restaurant.
“Thank you,” I smiled and Tony just shrugged.

The restaurant was fairly busy, but it always is. Tony had ordered a bottle of champagne and raised his glass to me. “To my boyfriend, the graduate,” he grinned and I chuckled but clinked my glass against his.
“Thank you so much, Tony,” I smiled, “this has been the most amazing day.”
“You deserve it and more,” he smiled at me. As I gazed into his eyes, I could help but notice a flash of some unreadable emotion. But it was gone before I’d even registered it. I decided not to dwell on it.

When we got home, I was more than ready to go to bed. It had been such a long, tiring day. Now that I’d got my degree, I actually had to think about what I was going to do with it. Biology was quite a broad degree, so I could really go into quite a variety of things. I’d find something, I’m sure. I could even go into teaching like my boyfriend. I squeezed his hand and headed to our bedroom. I smiled at that. Our bedroom. Tony had asked me to move in the second I’d turned 18. Even though I was still at the school, he was no longer my teacher – I’d decided not to take geography at A-Level. But still, we kept it seriously under wraps until I finished school a few months later.

Tony didn’t let me go to the bedroom, though. He tugged my hand and led me into the living room. I frowned slightly, just wanting to curl up in bed next to Tony and fall asleep. “I’ve got something for you,” Tony said and I frowned.
“You didn’t need to do that,” I smiled, excited nonetheless. Tony smiled at me and then handed me a small velvet box. Tony let go of my hand as I raised the lid. Inside, nestled between the cushions of the box, was a gold band. “Tony,” I whispered, looking away from the ring and into his eyes, which were a bright and vibrant green.
“I’ve been thinking for a while, the best way to do this,” he said, “and I couldn’t think of a better place than in the home we’ve shared for…years.” I smiled and shook my head. “I love you so much, Chris. You are the most important person in my life. When I’m with you, nothing else matters, only you. And…for some reason, you chose me.” I rolled my eyes but still smiled. “Will you do me the great honour of marrying me?”
“Of course I will,” I grinned. I leant forward and pressed my lips to Tony’s. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” Tony smiled. I looked back down at the ring and he took the box from me and gently picked up the ring. He took my left hand and slid the ring onto my finger. I smiled down at the ring and then looked up at him. I kissed him once more before pulling back and lightly hitting his shoulder. “Ow, what?” he pouted.
“I can list a hundred reasons why I chose you,” I told him. “And you know that. Do I need to remind you of them all again?”
“No,” he mumbled. I smiled and moved into his arms and kissed his cheek. His insecurities reared their ugly heads every now and then, but I was pretty practiced at getting rid of them now.
“You’re beautiful,” I kissed his cheek again, “and kind,” I kissed his other cheek, “and smart,” I kissed his nose, “and loving,” I kissed his forehead, “and gentle,” I kissed his chin. “And now you’re all mine.”
“I’ve been yours for as long as I can remember,” he whispered. I smiled gently.
“I love you so much,” I whispered.
“I know,” he whispered and I believed him when he said that. “I love you too.” I kissed him tenderly. “I was thinking tomorrow…I’ll take you to meet my parents.” My eyes widened as I looked up at him. His parents had always been a touchy area. I think he was unsure about how they’d react at our age difference. “I need them to meet you.” I smiled and nodded.
“I’d love to meet them,” I smiled. I’d tried so hard over the years not to push him, to let him ease us into being an open couple at his own speed. It hadn’t taken as long as I’d feared, especially once I finished school. But he’d always been concerned about his parents.
“Good,” he smiled down at me. “They’re looking forward to meeting you.”
“Do they know you…proposed?” I asked, a massive grin on my face.
“Yeah,” he smiled, his eyes twinkling. I nodded and then took hold of his hand.
“Let’s go to bed,” I said softly. Tony nodded and followed me, his eyes suddenly twinkling for a whole new reason.

Tony had asked for time, and time was what I was giving him. And it was paying off. Every time he held my hand in public, or introduced me to his friends as his boyfriend, I knew my patience was paying off. And now he’d proposed! He was willing to stand up in front of a room full of people and announce to the world that we were together. I knew there were still a few minor hurdles we had to get over. But I couldn’t imagine my Tony any other way.