Distorted Perceptions
Deteriorate
It's just a banana. She used to love bananas, didn't she? What could one banana hurt?
But no, it's not "just a banana", it's 105 calories. So many calories. She wouldn't forgive herself, couldn't forgive herself. She'd be jeopardizing everything she worked so hard for, and she was never a fan of Jeopardy.
But she's hungry. So hungry. Her stomach growls, calls out to her, begging for food and threatening to devour itself if none is acquired. She doesn't listen, won't comply to it's demands. She controls it, it will not control her.
No, she's not hungry. Not hungry at all. She has to be strong. If not her, than who will? Certainly not him. He was never strong.
But they will ask questions. How many lies before they realize? How much more hiding? And not just the food; the cuts and bruises too. How many more "shaving accidents" or "large breakfasts" can she have? And do they really buy her running into another door, or falling down another flight of stairs? How clumsy do they honestly think one person can be? It's almost insulting.
How many more fake smiles will she have to put on before someone sees? Somebody has to see. Somebody has to save her.
But they don't. If they notice, they ignore it. Pretending it didn't happen is easier than having to deal with it themselves. It's not their problem.
So she's alone. Forever alone. The only one she has to please is herself, but it's so hard to please herself. So difficult to trick herself into believing everything will be fine. Everything will not be fine. It hasn't been for a long time.
But then again, that's why she does it, isn't it? All the food she throws away, the razor blades she hides, the alcohol she steals from his stash. He'll never notice. None of them will notice.
So why does she hide? Why does anybody hide? Because they're afraid of it. Afraid of themselves, what they've become, and what they could be.
And so she hides. Not only from them, but from herself as well. She convinces herself it's not really her. It's her, but she's not herself. She's not the one telling herself to put down the banana. It's someone else, someone who's been there for as long as she can remember. Been inside of her mind and her body, feeding off of her pain. It grows and becomes more demanding day by day, mistake by mistake.
And there's been so many mistakes. Choosing to stay with Him was a mistake. He hurts her. He's the reason she hurts herself. It's a continuous cycle of destruction. But she doesn't want to leave. He's not who he used to be, but He's the closest thing to what she had before. Before the accident. Before the pain, the starving, the beatings, the cutting, the drinking, the lying, the hiding.
It was so long ago. She barely remembers those times. All she knows is the now. The now as she looks down at the banana, wanting so desperately to eat it. But she tells herself not to, says she'll eat it another time.
She doesn't. The banana rots.
It always rots.
But no, it's not "just a banana", it's 105 calories. So many calories. She wouldn't forgive herself, couldn't forgive herself. She'd be jeopardizing everything she worked so hard for, and she was never a fan of Jeopardy.
But she's hungry. So hungry. Her stomach growls, calls out to her, begging for food and threatening to devour itself if none is acquired. She doesn't listen, won't comply to it's demands. She controls it, it will not control her.
No, she's not hungry. Not hungry at all. She has to be strong. If not her, than who will? Certainly not him. He was never strong.
But they will ask questions. How many lies before they realize? How much more hiding? And not just the food; the cuts and bruises too. How many more "shaving accidents" or "large breakfasts" can she have? And do they really buy her running into another door, or falling down another flight of stairs? How clumsy do they honestly think one person can be? It's almost insulting.
How many more fake smiles will she have to put on before someone sees? Somebody has to see. Somebody has to save her.
But they don't. If they notice, they ignore it. Pretending it didn't happen is easier than having to deal with it themselves. It's not their problem.
So she's alone. Forever alone. The only one she has to please is herself, but it's so hard to please herself. So difficult to trick herself into believing everything will be fine. Everything will not be fine. It hasn't been for a long time.
But then again, that's why she does it, isn't it? All the food she throws away, the razor blades she hides, the alcohol she steals from his stash. He'll never notice. None of them will notice.
So why does she hide? Why does anybody hide? Because they're afraid of it. Afraid of themselves, what they've become, and what they could be.
And so she hides. Not only from them, but from herself as well. She convinces herself it's not really her. It's her, but she's not herself. She's not the one telling herself to put down the banana. It's someone else, someone who's been there for as long as she can remember. Been inside of her mind and her body, feeding off of her pain. It grows and becomes more demanding day by day, mistake by mistake.
And there's been so many mistakes. Choosing to stay with Him was a mistake. He hurts her. He's the reason she hurts herself. It's a continuous cycle of destruction. But she doesn't want to leave. He's not who he used to be, but He's the closest thing to what she had before. Before the accident. Before the pain, the starving, the beatings, the cutting, the drinking, the lying, the hiding.
It was so long ago. She barely remembers those times. All she knows is the now. The now as she looks down at the banana, wanting so desperately to eat it. But she tells herself not to, says she'll eat it another time.
She doesn't. The banana rots.
It always rots.