Every Part of Me
Get Me ***ed Up
The worst part was that John had kissed her.
John had kissed Jessica on her birthday. He said it was only because he didn’t have enough money to buy her a real gift. But he hadn’t stopped kissing her and Jessica had let him continue for months.
John was gone now. His parents had called Jessica’s house at seven in the morning. Jessica hadn’t seen any sign of John all weekend.
Lucy Kark was also missing.
The first thing Skylar said when she took Jessica to break into her father’s liquor cabinet was that she had known. Jessica said she didn’t know what Skylar meant but her friend wasn’t about to put up with any of her lies. Still, she didn’t clarify her own statement until she was pouring clear liquid into two glasses to split between them.
Skylar said she had known they were in love.
Jessica didn’t deny it, didn’t confirm it, didn’t acknowledge it. She only let Skylar pour more of the drink into her glass.
It would only take them two glasses to start feeling fuzzy, two and a half to forget how to think. But it took four whole glasses before Jessica spoke a single work about Jonathan Dorian.
“We ran away together.” She muttered into her glass.
Skylar didn’t say anything. She watched her friend over the brim of her own cup.
“He came back, though.”
“Maybe he’ll come back this time.” Skylar offered.
Jessica shook her head and took another gulp of her drink. “You don’t know how to handle him.” She said to Skylar, Lucy, and the world.
Jessica was the only one that understood John. She was the only one that knew he never really wanted to run away. She was the only one that ever understood he needed to be outside, he needed to breathe. John needed to run, but not away.
If Jessica had been sober, she would have blamed herself. After all, she had been the one to keep John in for longer than he could handle. She had kept him by her side for too long, made him stay in with her, go to the movies with her, eat with her. Now he had run because he thought that was the only way he could get out of the cage.
Lucy had just happened to be there to encourage him.
Jessica would have blamed herself if she had been able to think or speak or move. Instead, Jessica helped put away the bottles, slept on Skylar’s couch, and didn’t blame herself until she woke up.
Once the idea had set in her mind, Jessica didn’t stop thinking it. Once her mind started working again, she couldn’t hit the pause button. Maybe a normal person would drink again, force the pause button in and tape over it. But Jessica had never been a normal girl. She had been a runaway her entire life.
She had learned from the very start that problems didn’t need solutions. They needed to be avoided and forgotten about.
You couldn’t solve a problem like Jonathan Dorian’s abandonment with number systems and best guesses. You had to run away and never look back.
The only problem this time was that she couldn’t run away. There was nowhere to run, no one to bring her back, and no one to go with her. Jessica was stuck with pieces of scrap paper, a pencil, and no way out.
She was alone and John had left her.
John had kissed Jessica on her birthday. He said it was only because he didn’t have enough money to buy her a real gift. But he hadn’t stopped kissing her and Jessica had let him continue for months.
John was gone now. His parents had called Jessica’s house at seven in the morning. Jessica hadn’t seen any sign of John all weekend.
Lucy Kark was also missing.
The first thing Skylar said when she took Jessica to break into her father’s liquor cabinet was that she had known. Jessica said she didn’t know what Skylar meant but her friend wasn’t about to put up with any of her lies. Still, she didn’t clarify her own statement until she was pouring clear liquid into two glasses to split between them.
Skylar said she had known they were in love.
Jessica didn’t deny it, didn’t confirm it, didn’t acknowledge it. She only let Skylar pour more of the drink into her glass.
It would only take them two glasses to start feeling fuzzy, two and a half to forget how to think. But it took four whole glasses before Jessica spoke a single work about Jonathan Dorian.
“We ran away together.” She muttered into her glass.
Skylar didn’t say anything. She watched her friend over the brim of her own cup.
“He came back, though.”
“Maybe he’ll come back this time.” Skylar offered.
Jessica shook her head and took another gulp of her drink. “You don’t know how to handle him.” She said to Skylar, Lucy, and the world.
Jessica was the only one that understood John. She was the only one that knew he never really wanted to run away. She was the only one that ever understood he needed to be outside, he needed to breathe. John needed to run, but not away.
If Jessica had been sober, she would have blamed herself. After all, she had been the one to keep John in for longer than he could handle. She had kept him by her side for too long, made him stay in with her, go to the movies with her, eat with her. Now he had run because he thought that was the only way he could get out of the cage.
Lucy had just happened to be there to encourage him.
Jessica would have blamed herself if she had been able to think or speak or move. Instead, Jessica helped put away the bottles, slept on Skylar’s couch, and didn’t blame herself until she woke up.
Once the idea had set in her mind, Jessica didn’t stop thinking it. Once her mind started working again, she couldn’t hit the pause button. Maybe a normal person would drink again, force the pause button in and tape over it. But Jessica had never been a normal girl. She had been a runaway her entire life.
She had learned from the very start that problems didn’t need solutions. They needed to be avoided and forgotten about.
You couldn’t solve a problem like Jonathan Dorian’s abandonment with number systems and best guesses. You had to run away and never look back.
The only problem this time was that she couldn’t run away. There was nowhere to run, no one to bring her back, and no one to go with her. Jessica was stuck with pieces of scrap paper, a pencil, and no way out.
She was alone and John had left her.