My Garden

Every night, when I'm lying in bed, I can remember every moment that I've ever regretted. The guilt builds up inside of me until it suffocates my dreams and I wake up, sweating and shaking in my own humility. It haunts me every time I am in the presence of another, and never do I feel like myself. This quiet, scared person is myself, after so many years of hiding within my shell. The worst part of it is how aware I am. I know my faults, I know I need to change, but I can't do it. Every time I step out of my comfort zone, I mess something up and humiliate myself further. And every time I mess up, I would go into my garden and pick Bluebells. Soon my room was filled with vases of them, all hanging on their stems with a distinct radiance.

Going to school, I was always the quiet, socially awkward girl whom no one ever spoke to. My shell became smaller and smaller, even though I became more talkative when in assigned groups. I felt smaller, too, until one day someone took the time to speak to me. He was nice, always smiling, and never hung around a bad crowd. He worked hard and all the teachers loved him, as well as all of his classmates, and never was his arm free from a clingy girl or two. I suppose I fell for him as well.

I have had a crush or two before, when I was younger and wasn't even sure it was a 'crush', but this was different. He was great and made me feel important when no one else bothered, and I wanted to feel that way every day. I told myself that I would tell him, but every time I saw him I chickened out, too red-faced just at the thought. I picked bluebells every day, it seemed, but as the year dragged on, I realized I was running out of time, and so did the other girls.

There was a dance to celebrate the upcoming end of the school year, and this was my chance to tell him how I felt. I bought a dress, beautiful and blue like that of a bluebell, with green lace at the edges of the sleeves, the neck line and at the bottom. Green lace gloves adorned clammy palms, and violet colored my lips and eyelids. I felt stunning, but nervous all the same. This was my last chance to make impressions before the summer would break our bond and lose us in its wake.

I arrived, shaking in my heels which I was not quite accustomed to. I looked around the room, kicking away colorful balloons and listening for his voice against the loud pop music. After a few minutes I finally spotted him in a large group, wearing a clean suit and smiling bright against the dim room. He looked so refined, so wanted, I almost turned back, but I couldn't. I wouldn't do that to myself. With a deep breath, I took slow, measured strides to his being, preparing myself for the moment of a life time. My life time, that is.

He noticed me just after the rest of the group did. I wasn't exactly popular, or even known, among most of them. It felt awkward, but I made myself ignore it, looking past the bad and only at him. Our eyes met, but I didn't look away. It felt like a painful eternity, but he greeted me, so reassuringly, that I couldn't stay silent.

"There's something I have to tell you," I broke out, feeling confidant and powerful. "You're so kind and smart. You make me feel special, like I'm not invisible anymore, and I couldn't let summer go on and miss the chance to tell you this. I…I really like you. I've liked you since you first time you spoke to me, and I'm wishing- hoping, that you feel the same way."

I poured out my heart and soul; exposed my innermost thoughts and feelings to the only one I have ever been comforted by, but his smile disappeared and a moment of heart wrenching silence ensued between us. His friends laughed, and a girl appeared next to him, scowling and grabbing his arm forcefully. Apparently another girl had the same resolve to ask him tonight. I'm sure other girls felt heartbroken, too. But I was so dumbstruck, I could barely stand straight. Embarrassment crept into my cheeks, hot and red, and I ran out of there as fast as I possibly could in my heels.

I ran home, longing to be alone forever and to forget that that night had ever happened. Crying on my bed, tears washed away the violet, and the gloves were lost in the darkness of the room. Wind chimes rang out above my quiet sobs, and I calmed down enough to sit up. My room had a glow of blue. As blue as the bluebells furnishing it. A bluebell for every humiliation I faced on the rugged road of life. I could see through my window out into the garden of flowers; of haunting memories to be had.

I let out one final whimper and wiped away my tears. I slipped off the dress and exchanged it for my usual jeans and t-shirt. After gathering all of the flowers in my room, I grabbed a match and went to the fireplace in the living room. I tossed them into the hearth and struck a flame, tossed it onto the pile and watched it burn hot and bright. Blue was devoured by orange as the fire grew taller.

Every moment I had ever felt embarrassed had passed. Humility is a fleeting thing, such as a childhood crush or the moon at dawn. It may happen again, but it won't last forever. And I don't need bluebells to remind me.