Pride: The Tawney Marcus Story

I sleep, hard. For eight straight hours, while the whole memorial goes on around me. I sleep through the laughter, tears and stories of everyone and when I finally wake, everyone but Jimmy and my grandmother are gone. I am amazed at how quiet the house has become.
I look around the room more and see pictures of my father as a child and pictures of my father and mother when their relationship was new. It's a beautiful sight to see.
My mom looks happy in the pictures, happier than I've seen her, even with Bob.
I walk into the living room to find Jimmy and my grandmother sitting on the couch, watching TV and sharing a plate of cookies, like they've known each other their whole lives.
"So, I tell Jarron, you can't jump from up there, you don't have wings!" my grandmother says before her and Jimmy break out in a fit of laughter.
"Well, hello sleepyhead," Jimmy greets me when he hears me behind them.
"Hi," I say simply with a yawn.
"Want something to eat dear?" my grandmother asks.
"Uh, sure," I answer timidly. My stomach has been growling since the Arizona boarder so, I am really hungry.
"We have a lot of stuff left over from the service, just take a look in the kitchen. The plates are in the cupboard above the sink and the forks and spoons are in the drawer beside it," she tells me.
I shuffle into the kitchen and find the plates and silverware just where my grandma said they would be, the same place my mom keeps her. This strikes me as very eerie.
I walk around the kitchen and pick at the food on the table. There is a different array of a bunch of things and it looks like my grandmother threw a potluck for the day. What catches my eye is the ham, it's got pineapples mixed with it and it's my favorite food that my mom cooks. When I take a slice of pineapple off of the top and pop it in my mouth, my grandmother walks into the room.
"Your father used to do the same thing," she laughs with tears in her eyes. "The pineapples were his favorite part."
"Mine too," I say quietly.
"Really?" she asks as a tear spills down her cheek.
I nod my head yes.
"Oh, honey, I've missed you," she says before walking up to me and taking my plate from my hands and setting it on the table.
She wraps me in her arms. I let tears fall onto her shoulder and feel the silent sobs that wrack her body.
T ears of sadness for never knowing this sweet old woman overtake me. I'm so upset that I didn't get to know her or my father or any of the people I could have known if my mother wouldn't have left. No matter the circumstance, I wish that I could have gotten to be around them at least a little bit of time in my life.
After a few moments of crying, my grandmother lets me go and pats me on the back.
"Finish eating dear," she says politely while wiping the tears from her face.
I make my plate, stocking up on ham like I'll never see it again.
I walk into the living room where Jimmy is sitting and sit next to him on the couch and offer up my plate of ham to him.
"Is that all you're going to eat?" he asks.
"Probably," I answer with a shrug.
"Just like her father," my grandma walks in and says with a laugh.
"So, uh, when do we go home?" I ask with a mouth full of ham.
"Whenever you want, you don't have to stay and you don't have to leave," my grandma says.
"That's nice to know, I'd like to come back," I say honestly.
"That would be wonderful."
"I do want to get to know you, but I know my mom will get worried if we're not on the road soon," I say.
"That's totally understandable."
I finish the ham on my plate and walk back to the kitchen, I start to wash it in the sink but my grandma stops me from washing it.
"I'll get that, you guys get on the road," she says.
"Are you sure you don't want me to help you clean up?" I ask.
"No, I have someone that comes by every evening and helps me, it's something your father wanted me to have for a really long time, she's been helping me for years."
"Oh, well that's really nice."
"It is, I just wish your father was here to see you before you go."
"I know, me too."
"Oh, before you go! I want you to have something," my grandma exclaims.
She walks off toward the bedroom where I had slept and walks out with a small, wooden box. It's smaller than a shoebox, but not too small to fit things in.
"Look through this when you get home," she says.
"I will," I answer getting a little choked up.
***
"Are you sure you want to drive?" Jimmy asks.
"I'm not so sure now. I guess I can contact the lawyer and have him fly us back," I suggest.
"I have his number," my grandma says.
Jimmy and I were ready to go, but I feel so emotionally drained that I don't want to take the chance of driving almost three thousand miles.
"Thank you," I say to my grandma as she hands me a business card with "Calvin P. Hopkins" on the front in fancy script, followed by a phone number, a fax number and an email address.
I place my call and when a secretary answers, I ask for Mr. Hopkins.
"One moment please," she says in a peppy voice.
After about a minute, Mr. Hopkins answers the phone.
"Hi, uh, I'm Tawney Marcus, we spoke earlier today."
"Oh yes, Tawney, Jarron's daughter."
"Yes, that's me."
"What can I do for you?" he asks politely.
"Uh, I need to arrange a flight for my brother and I to go back home, I don't think I'm up for the drive, and you're the only person I knew to contact about the money," I explain.
"You're right to contact me, it might take until tomorrow to untie a few things, if that's okay?" Mr. Hopkins asks.
"That would be fine," I assure him.
"Well then, I'll give you a call back, what's a good number to reach you at?" he asks.
I rattle off my cellphone number and we say our goodbyes.
I decide to call my mom and let her know what's going on.
"Hi, mom," I say into the phone.
"Hi, honey, is everything okay?" she asks.
"Everything is fine, but we might not be leaving until tomorrow or the next day, I don't really feel up to driving after the long trip and everything that's happened today," I explain to her.
"What happened, are you and Jimmy okay?" she asks almost frantically.
"We're fine mom!" I exclaim. "Just some turn of events I wasn't expecting. I'll fill you in on everything when we get home, okay?"
"As long as you two are fine," she says.
"We're both fine, would you like to talk to Jimmy?"
"No, no, that's fine, I trust you," she says with a laugh in her voice.
"Okay, well, I've got some things to get sorted out before we leave."
"Okay honey, call me when you guys leave."
"I will, I love you."
"I love you too."
I hang up the phone and go sit on the couch with Jimmy and my grandma.
"How is your mother doing?" she asks sweetly.
"She's fine," I say.
"That's good," my grandma answers before putting her attention back on the game show she's watching on TV. My mom is definitely an awkward subject. "Why don't you go ahead and go through that box now?"
"Uh, okay," I say confused. I thought she wanted me to wait until I got home to do that.
I'm thankful that it's giving me something to do. I sit down in the living room floor and pull the top off of the box and start sifting through the contents of the box. Everything is organized.
There are letters inside, each one addressed to me. They've all got 'return to sender' stamped on the front. I feel a prickle of tears in the corner of my eyes. Each letter has the date printed carefully on the back of the envelope and I can see that they started the year after I was born up until the last month.
"Are these all from my dad?" I ask.
"Yes, honey, he tried to write you once a week,"
"Oh wow," my voice gets caught in my throat as I feel it tightening with emotion.
I open the letter that was dated the furthest back.
"My dearest Tawney,
I miss you incredibly and I can't wait to see you again. Daddy promises that we'll be together again eventually. I think your mother will come to her senses sooner or later and we'll be together again eventually. The two of you are my world.
Pride got their first radio play today and it made me want to share it with you. I was standing in the supermarket when I heard 'Blue Eyed Girl' come across the sound system, I almost dropped my groceries.
I miss you and love you my daughter.
Love,
Dad"
The first letter takes me by surprise. I had no idea that Pride was started when I was just a baby. Then again, I didn't know my father was the front man.
My emotions are torn between amusement at the thought of him almost dropping items on the floor and sadness that I wasn't there to experience it with him.
The second letter is shorter.
"My dearest Tawney,
Today, we got word that we're going to record our first album, wish you were here.
Love,
Dad"
Tears grip me once more as I place the envelope back in the box and grab the third one.
"My dearest Tawney,
I called today but your mother wouldn't let me talk to you, she said you didn't want to talk on the phone and I figure that's always possible since you're still so young, but what I wouldn't give to hear your laughter one more time.
I hate that the rock and roll lifestyle wasn't right for your mother and I wish the three of us could be together again, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to be with the two of you again.
Love,
Dad"
The tears really start to fall this time. I can't help them and let them roll down my cheeks. My father really did love me and my mom. She always made me think that he was a horrible person. I am starting to feel anger at her, but I'm guessing she had her reasons for doing what she did even if it meant that I never got to see my father when I grew up.
"My dearest Tawney,
We're in Charleston this week, I've left backstage passes with your mother so that you guys can come see us. It's a miracle that we're even on tour right now, as our album isn't even finished.
I hope to see you at the show.
Love,
Dad"
He actually tried to see me! This is even bigger news to me. From what my mom said, he never once reached out and tried to visit, that's why I had never seen him before.
I can't read anymore of his letters without crying but I trek on and read one more.
"My dearest Tawney,
It was so great seeing you my darling! I have missed you so, I can't wait until we can see each other again!
I am so glad your mother showed up at the show tonight, she's as radiant as ever and you are growing into a beautiful child just like I knew you would.
Love,
Dad"
All of his letters are short and that's okay with me because it gives me a piece of him.
"I wish I would have seen these letters before," I say quietly to myself.
"I wish you did too," my grandma says coming over and placing her hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort my tears.
"Did my dad see me other than after I was born and when I was year old?" I ask.
"I think he seen you twice more before your fifth birthday and that's when your mother cut off all contact with him," my grandma says.
"Oh," is all I can say. I honestly have no words to describe the anger and frustration I am feeling with my mother from keeping me away from my father for so long.
I asked several times about him and she would just tell me that he was a deadbeat and it didn't take long before I thought the same thing. I grew up thinking that my father didn't want me when in fact, he reached out to me over the course of my life and according to the seventeen years worth of letters in this box, he reached out quite often.
I pull another letter out of the box and continue to read on. I'm finding out things about the band that I didn't know before, it's like having an inside look at the behind the scenes of Pride.
I like the little things my father adds to each letter about each band mate. So far I've learned that Conner is the youngest, Bradley is the wild child and my father is the prankster.
He begins writing more about the jokes they play on each other and they make me laugh.
There are other letters that are of a more serious nature, about him reaching out to me and my mother shooting him down. He says that he's tried to call me but she won't let me speak to him, always coming up with a reason as to why I can't.
I wish I could remember these times.
By the time I reach the letters where I'm in middle school, I start crying again.
"My dearest Tawney,
I'm writing this on your thirteenth birthday. We're going on our first world tour and I wish that you were here to join me. I was hoping that since it was summer time, your mom would let you come on the road with me, but since she won't, I'll have to send you things from the tour for you to get the experience I'm getting.
There will be a package coming to the house as soon as we're on the road. I've sent you tee shirts for you and all of your friends. I hope they find you well. I love you my darling daughter.
Love,
Dad"
I never once got a package from him, my mother wouldn't even let me listen to Pride. I always thought that she thought they were a bad band and didn't want that kind of influence in my life, but now I see why I was allowed.
I shake my head and put the letter that I'd just read back in the envelope and place it back in the box. I put the lid back on the box and turn to my grandma.
"Did he keep the packages he sent me?" I ask curiously.
"Yes, actually he did, follow me," she says sweetly, leading me to the bedroom.
There she opens the closet door and there are several packages sitting in the bottom.
"All of these?" I ask.
"Yes, all of them," she smiles but the smile looks sad.
"I wish that it wasn't like this," I say.
"I know dear, but we can't change it now, there's no point in dwelling on it."
"I guess you're right."
I bend down and pull the top box off of the stack. I walk over to the bed and open it.
Inside are fifteen world tour Pride tee shirts.
"W-wow," I stutter pulling one of the tee shirts out of the box. Each white tee shirt has the autographs of each band member across the back of them.
The second box has a poster with the bands autograph and a few more tee shirts.
The third box has the most beautiful Kimono I've ever seen. It's a deep purple silk and there is a letter in the box.
"We're in Japan tonight and I thought that you'd like something like this,
Love,
Dad."
I hold the dress up and look at all of the floral designs scattered across the material. The pink flowers stand out against the purple and it's almost to pretty to even touch.
"That's pretty," Jimmy says standing in the doorway.
"Here," I say, reaching into the box full of shirts and throwing him one.
"You're kidding me?" he asks.
"Nope, it's yours. I have fifteen of them," I say with a laugh.
"Do you know how much one of these shirts is worth without the signatures?" Jimmy asks seriously.
"No, not really, why?"
"They're almost a hundred bucks a piece because the tour was their first world tour and so many people didn't get to go so they pay top dollar for the shirts."
"You're joking," I say.
"Not at all! I've been looking for one for years!" Jimmy exclaims.
"Well, take five of them," I laugh.
"Really?" Jimmy asks sounding like a little kid who was just told to pick the most expensive toy he could get his hands on.
"Yes, really, I don't need all of them," I say laughing again.
"But they were your dads," Jimmy says reluctantly.
"And I've got ten more, so I don't see a problem with you taking five, sell them, wear them, hang them up, but they aren't going to do me any good sitting in a box."
"Okay! I'm not going to argue with you!" Jimmy exclaims walking over to the box and looking through them. "There's a letter in here."
Jimmy holds out a folded piece of paper and hands it to me.
"My dearest Tawney,
I hope these are enough for you and your closest friends. I had the band sign each and every one of them so that you guys could brag that you know the band.
Love,
Dad"
I laugh at the letter. I wish that I had fifteen closest friends but I don't even have one, the only people I ever talk to are Jimmy, my mom and Bob.
There are a few more boxes in the closet and I'm a little scared of what might be inside. If it's more Pride memorabilia, I'm not going to know what to do with it.
There is an empty box with just a note inside.
"My dearest Tawney,
I wanted to send you something special, but I've sent you almost everything that is Pride, including the shirts and some signed CD's, so I thought I would send you a box of my love. I know this is just an empty box, but it can't contain how much I love you and miss you. Tomorrow is your sixteenth birthday and I wanted to buy you a car, but when I called to ask your mom about it, she feigned ignorance as to who I was, but I know her voice so well, that I knew it was her.
I love you my darling daughter
Love,
Dad"
The tears start falling once more.
He sent me a box of love. That's something no one would have ever thought to do.
***
"Hello, Tawney?" Mr. Hopkins voice comes from the other end of the phone.
"Hello," I ask groggily, looking at the clock to see it's just eight in the morning.
"I wanted to let you know that I have a temporary debit card for you to use with your spending limit, so you'll be able to fly home whenever you see fit," Hopkins relays to me. "I can drop the card off any time today or you can come pick it up."
"Uh, I'm not too familiar with the city, so it would probably be best if you dropped it off."
"I'll bring it by on my lunch break, if that's okay?"
"That's perfectly fine."
"Okay, well, I'll see you soon then."
"Thank you," I say before hanging the phone up and closing my eyes once more.
There is a knock on the door and I groan before getting up and opening it.
Jimmy is standing there with a smile on his face.
"What?" I ask.
"I heard you talking on the phone, was it the lawyer guy? Did he say we could fly home? I have a date!" Jimmy exclaims.
"Wait, what?" I ask.
"I have a date Friday with Melissa!" he exclaims.
"That girl you've been chasing forever now?"
"That one!"
"Well then, I guess we'll book our flights tonight and leave out on the next available one," I say.
"Sounds good to me!"
***
"I'll come back and visit," I say to my grandma as we drop the rental car off at the airport and Jimmy and I climb out. "Are you going to make it home okay?"
"I'll be fine, Darla is waiting out front for me, now scoot before you miss your flight,"
"I'll send for the boxes sometime this week," I say.
"Just call me with your address and I'll have them sent out," my grandma smiles.
I hug her one last time before grabbing the backpack I brought along with me and following Jimmy into the terminal.
We go through security which takes forever and are finally seated, first class, on a flight home. I decided to splurge on first class since I never get to do anything nice for myself and since I have all of this money now.