Who Am I?

It’s been nonstop. I’m constantly thinking of him, so I’ve made the decision to go and see him today. It looks like a nice day outside, but I’ll bring my zip up jacket just in case. I’m really tired and I just get even more tired, thinking about walking outside and to the store. God, what a fucking lazy fat ass I am, only someone lazy would think of some of the shit that I do. I don’t even know why I’m trying to see this guy, he probably hates me for stealing and on top of that not even remembering who he is.

But I still just want to get a little peak at him, just one more. Ugh, I sound like a complete stalking psycho. . . I must note somewhere, maybe on my bedroom wall and write in big black letters, “You’re a fucking crazy ass and no one cares about you nor wants you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finally get out of the house after battling with myself whether I should go, or not. I’m a few feet away from his store, I hesitate at the door and then I get the balls to walk inside. I avoid looking at the front counter; I walk through the aisles slowly, making a show out of looking through the candy section.

“Do you actually have money this time?” a cool voice speaks behind me.

I gasp, turn around to see the guy I’ve been dreaming of. “What are you talking about?”

He just gives me a look, “Winter, why are you here? If you plan on stealing again,” he says in a hushed voice. “Then, you really need to leave, I let you get by the first time, I can’t let you do it again.”

“Why do you assume I’m stealing?” I ask, clearly offended.

He crosses his arms, “well do you have money?”

“I, uh u-,” I stumble over my words.

“Exactly, you need to go.”

“I wasn’t stealing! That’s pretty fucked up for you to just assume and to think I came out here just to see you!” I yell.

There’s an awkward silence between us; in fact the whole store is silent, all I hear is the buzz of the drink coolers. I then realize what I said and my eyes grow wide. Holy shit, I just made myself look like a complete idiot in front of everyone. I turn away from him and walk towards the door.

“Winter wait,” he says.

I don’t wait; I push the glass door open and storm out of the store. I should’ve just stayed in my apartment, god I’m such a fucking idiot.

“Winter, come back I want to talk to you,” he grabs my arm, turning me around to face him.

“Oh, now you want to actually talk instead of making accusations?” I ask in an acidic tone, pulling my arm away before he notices how big his hand is compared to my small bicep.

“I’m sorry, I should not have assumed," he sighs. "But I mean; what would you think if the same girl, in the same store came in looking suspicious like before?”

“I would’ve asked her what she was doing first.”

He sighs again this time rolling his eyes. “Why did you come to my store?”

“I told you, I wanted to see you.”

“You don’t even remember me, why would you want to see me.”

“That’s the problem," I look down. "I want to remember you, I've been thinking about you but I can't remember a god damn thing. I've blocked so much out. . . But the way you looked at me before. . .It said a lot, like you knew who I really was, not just a girl you've walked by a few times.”

“We were friends for two years. . . I don’t even understand how you could forget me. . . But, I guess it was to be expected, once you were engulfed by Adrian.”

That sends a pang into my chest and I look away from him. I haven’t heard Adrian’s name aloud in such a long time. The guy stands there folding his arms over his chest looks at my worried face.

“What happened with him anyway?”

“We broke up,” I respond flatly.

“I’m, sorry to hear that . . .”

“I’m not.”

There’s another awkward silence between us, “you know, I don’t remember your name,” I say.

“Nathaniel.”

Nathaniel, Nathaniel. . . It doesn’t ring a bell. I shake my head in disbelief, why can’t I remember him?

“Look my breaks about to be over," he unfolds his arms. "But I want to see you again, what are you doing tonight?” he asks.

“Nothing,” just like every other damn night.

“I get off at eight, it’s uh,” he looks at his watch. “3:55 now, do you want to go out to dinner?”

No, no, no, no! You can’t. Make up some excuse, you can’t go to dinner with him.

“Sure,” I say

What a dumb ass you just ate yesterday, looks like you’ll be eating tonight too huh fatty?

“Alright then here’s my number, what’s yours?”

We trade numbers, he tells me he’ll call after work and I walk back home feeling a little better about myself then a little worse because I have to consume something. It’s 8:20, I’ve put on some loose fitting blue jeans and a loose fitting long sleeve grey shirt. I’m very nervous; I haven’t gone out with anyone in ages. Why did I agree to dinner!? I can’t eat tonight, what is Nathaniel going to think when I barely touch the food on the plate?

My phone rings for the first time in awhile and instantly my heart beats double the speed. I pick up the ringing phone and answer.

“Hello,” I say in a shaky voice.

“Hey Winter," Nathaniel speaks. "I can come by and pick you up. What’s your address?”

Shit, he’s going to see the rat hole that I live in. Quick Winter, think of something, anything just don’t let him know where you live!

I end up giving him directions to the better looking apartments that are a few blocks away from my own. When he says he’s on his way, I get on my way too.