Who Am I?

In the shower as the warm hard water beats my body, I begin to think about how life was when I was living with my mother. It was hell that’s as much as I can say about it. She’s the reason I started starving myself for the first time, well kind of. What the real cause was something much bigger and I remember every single detail. . . I was in 10th grade, fifteen years old and I never really had dated anyone. Then I met Jordan. Jordan was a smooth talking, hazel eyed, shoulder length haired brunette. He was tall for his age, which was sixteen, lanky, but seemed to have worked out just a bit to show a little progress. He liked me first and so began talking to me. Jordan wasn’t someone to kill for, because of his looks, but it was his personality. He could get with any girl and I bet he got with a lot just by the way he looked at them with his smoldering hazel eyes. That’s how he fucked me over. God, I don’t even know why I try to let people get close to me . . .

Anyway, Jordan sweet talked me and me being the little naïve fifteen year old I was, I fell for it. After a week of "dating" Jordan asked me if I was a virgin, it was clearly a red flag. I told him yes, and I practically could see the rainbows, unicorns and all of that other happy shit oozing out of his eyes, but he didn’t pursue me then, he plotted. Nate knew I was hanging out with Jordan but he never knew I was dating him, and because he didn't know that and I didn't talk to anyone else about it I had no one to tell. Therefore, I didn’t tell anyone that Jordan questioned me about my virginity so I didn't think anything of it.

A few days later we were walking through a park around about 7ish at night, it was just getting dark. We ended up on a trail that Jordan obviously knew a lot about because he lead me to this little deserted wooden shed looking house in the middle of the woods. After a few kisses and shirt tugs he convinced me to go inside. Jordan walked in first, reached up towards the ceiling and pulled a little chain light switch and a light bulb ignited. There was a very dingy yellowing glint of light that covered the room. I took that time to look over the room; there was a blue mattress, an alarm clock sitting on a stack of phone books. Covering up the upper half of a wooden board there was a poster of the band, Creed. There were pairs of socks on the floor in the corner which belonged to him.

And then the memory plays in my head.

◘ “What is this place?” I ask, my little mind easily fascinated.

“It’s my hideout,” he shrugs, walking towards me and pulling me in and away from the doorway.

“Oh really, and what are you hiding from?”

“I don’t know, you tell me,” his lips go to my neck.

There’s a lot of kissing until Jordan kicks the door closed. He leads me over to the mattress, sits down and pats his lap.

“Come here,” he says smoldering me with those hazel eyes.

I just stand there, feeling kind of uncomfortable. He takes my hands and pulls me down onto his lap, facing him.

“I’m not going to hurt you baby. Don’t be afraid,” he whispers and presses his lips against mine.

I smile against his lips, not wanting to freak out in front of him. I’ve never been with him like this before and we are so close to each other. He slips his tongue past my teeth, coaxing my tongue to join his and his hands slip under the back of my shirt. His hands are cold, but I don’t object, it’s very hot in here. Jordan wraps his arms around me and lays me down on the mattress, hovering over me, our lips never separate. His hands slip under my shirt again in the front reaching my breasts and that makes me gasp and pull away. He just looks into my eyes and begins unlatching it.

“Jordan, no I- I’m not rea-”

“Shh,” is all that gently comes from his mouth.

He successfully gets my bra off rather quickly and my heart is beating very fast. He leans down and bites on my neck, pulling my shirt up. I yank on the back of his shirt, clawing, anyway to get him off me.

“Jordan get off me!” I yell.

“What the fuck, chill out,” and then he busies himself by groping my breasts with one hand and stuffing his other under my skirt and underwear.

I start screaming, he mashes his hand over my mouth and unzips his pants.

“Winter, shut up. Shut the fuck up right now.” he sounds a little panicked, but then, his voice goes back calm, like he’s done this before. "Do you want me to hurt you? I can really make this a lot worse for you," he growls.

He bites my neck and I’m in tears kicking and still screaming my muffled screams. ◘

I lean my forehead against the tile wall, it’s too much. Tears are in my eyes and I let the now cold water pour all over me, trying to flood the memories away, but that doesn’t shake my mind and I’m pulled right back in.

◘ Jordan has nothing on the bottom half of his body and he has stripped me completely naked and he’s pinned me down by the shoulders against the bed with his strong hands. He’s got all of his weight on me and I can’t scream enough. No one can fucking hear me and all I can do is scream, because I’m just a weak little piece of shit.

I’m hysterical, “Jordan please, please don’t do this.”

“You’ve been teasing me way too long,” he says in a hard tone.

That’s when it happens. He invades me and all I can do is lie there frozen. It’s completely unbefuckinglievable. He works over me grunting and biting me.

“Just relax, you’ll like it,” he huffs and pauses waiting for me to stop tensing up, but he doesn’t loosen his tight grip on my shoulders.

He waits a few seconds and I scream making my own ears ring and hopefully his too. I punch at his back as hard as I can and claw at his hair, but it’s not enough to cause any pain. He grabs my wrists and pins them down, his other hand around my neck threatening to get tighter if I screamed again. He begins working over me again pressing his lips firmly against my mouth in an attempt to silence me and then it’s over.

“I pulled out don’t worry,” he pants, still hovering over. “I aint trying to get you pregnant.”

Jordan stands up and grabs a towel that’s lying on the wooden floor and he cleans himself up.◘

I lied there until Jordan left, I waited an hour hoping he'd come back and kill me, but of course he didn't. I don’t know how I got myself to get out of that bed, clothes back on and gave myself the will to walk home, but I made it. My location was a straight shot down from my house, a twenty minute walk down in the same direction. My mother was in the kitchen sitting at the table when I got home, working on some papers.

When she saw me she didn’t react like a normal mother would. She didn’t bolt out of her seat, she didn’t rush over to her broken, disheveled daughter and hold tightly onto her daughter until her child whimpered in pain, she didn’t break into hysterics and ask what happened. No, what she did was look up at me and then looked back down at her papers.

I painfully sat down at that round table and stared at her, knowing she felt my gaze on her, but she didn’t bother to look up at me.

“Mom, someone hurt me,” I spoke in a broken voice.

She didn’t look up, she scrawled on those papers and pushed her reading glasses back up, because they were slipping down her nose.

“Mom. . . Can you please look at me?” I was almost in tears.

Her eyes never left those papers.

“I was just raped,” I said softly.

That didn’t even bother her; she seemed as if she didn’t even hear me. She fucking ignored me.

“I need you,” I whispered, in tears. “I need you just this once. I need you to be my parent just this once mom. Please,” the last word I spoke was barely audible.

She then put her papers into a pile, put her pen behind her ear, pushed back from the table, the wooden chair scraped the white linoleum tiled floor. She walked over to the threshold, flicked the light off and left me there in the dark alone.