Status: Last update was 5/19/14, until now 11/5/16. I guess we're back up and running.

Who Am I?

Battles of My Shitty Life

I’m happy, but I’m so very sad at the same time. How could I let this happen? How could I allow myself to let him like me? Why am I so stupid? Why the hell did I agree to this? I like him. I like him so much and I know in the end I’m only going to hurt him.

Because I am poison.

He’s going to want so much from me that I cannot give.

I’ve longed for someone’s touch, but I’m too afraid to receive it at this point. I don’t want to be hurt again! And I definitely don’t want to see him hurt either.

He’s going to want to hold me and kiss and hug and soon enough he’s going to want to have sex and I’m going to have to say no to all of it.

Why? Because I’m a stupid fuck! I don’t want him to know anything about me. I don’t want him to know that he’s dating a loser who is fat, hates to eat, bruises everywhere all over her body.

I want to be happy so bad, but I’m afraid. I find comfort in knowing that I can skip meals for a week, exercise all day and only consume water and no one saying shit about it.

Thriving to be skinny is my happiness.

I am so close to my goal weight! So very close and I don’t want him coming in to screw it all up for me.

I just wish I didn’t want him so bad. . .

My phone rings on the bed beside me under the sheet. Tears come to my eyes, because I know it’s Nathaniel. I grab the phone and answer with the croaking of a hello.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Not much,” I reply.

“Same here, I was just heading to work and was thinking about you,” I can tell that he’s smiling.

"That's sweet," tears falling down my cheeks.

There's a pause and then he says, "are you alright?"

"Yeah," I clear my throat. "Why do you ask?"

"You just sound a little down or something."

"I'm fine," trying to sound a little more peppy.

"Are you sure?"

"Mhm," I keep my replies short so that he can't hear my voice cracking.

"Okay. I'll call you when I'm on break."

"Alright, have a good day a work," I try so hard to keep it all in.

"You have a good day too, talk to you later."

"K, bye."

"Bye."

I hang up and bawl out. He's so sweet to me and I'm too much a coward to get over my own demons in order to be happy with him.

What the fuck?!