Who Am I?

He fucking lied.

That’s all he did was lie. He lied and I ended up pregnant . . . He stayed with me not caring that he lied until he witnessed the symptoms.

“Hey baby, you alright?” Adrian asks.

I’ve had my head in the toilet for about twenty minutes, afraid that if I were to move I’d get even more nauseas and puke again.

“No,” I croak. “I need some water.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back baby.”

Before I knew it, I was in tears. I feel so shitty and tired. What’s wrong with me, I didn’t feel sick before? Maybe I just have a stomach bug or something like that. I lay my head on my arms against the toilet. Adrian comes back in the bathroom and hands me a clear glass of water.

“Winter. . .” is all he says.

I drink the water and then look over at him. “Yeah?”

“Have you had your period this month?”

And then it dawns on me. . . Holy shit, I haven’t. I’ve missed it and my eyes grow wide. Adrian can see the answer written all over my face and he knows it’s a no. How though? How could I have gotten. . . I can’t finish the thought.

“Maybe, it’s just a fluke ya know? I mean, there’s no way is there?” I say trying to convince myself, rather than him.

“There’s only one way to find out. . . I’ll go get you a pregnancy test. Will you be okay alone for a few minutes?”

“Um. . . Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just please hurry back.”

He walks out of the bathroom and then I hear the creaky front door open and then close. Oh no . . . I’m only eighteen for Christ's sake. How the hell am I supposed to raise a child?! I barely had my own parents let alone being the parent of someone else. I close my eyes and lean up against the cracked, peeling peach painted wall. I continue to have spiraling thoughts of being pregnant. I think of how I grew up and how unfortunate I was. My father worked all day and drank all night until he passed out for the night. It was a continuous cycle and I hated him for it. I didn’t like seeing him drink and to this day, I don’t pick up a drink because of him. Fucking Sky Vodka straight every single night, it was like his alcohol was his child and I was just someone who happened to be living in his house. I felt completely abandoned by him by the age of ten and I stopped trying to get his attention. He ended up dying when I was thirteen in a car accident. Funny enough, he was killed by a drunk driver. I wasn’t sad because I had no reason to be, he wasn’t anything to me. My mother was absent; she was physically there, but not emotionally. She would pretty much treat me like someone would treat their pet dog. I was fed, bathed, and occasionally played with, but I was never hugged, kissed, told stories, held when I was upset or just treated like a loved child because I wasn’t loved.

Anyway, on my sixteenth birthday I decided that I would go and celebrate it at a huge back to school party with some so called friends. That’s where I met Adrian. He was nineteen at the time and doing his little brother a favor by “chaperoning” the party so that their parents wouldn’t get on their case about it. Adrian walked up to me while I was smoking a cigarette in the back yard. He told me I shouldn’t smoke, like I hadn’t heard it before and then he took the cigarette from between my lips and put it between his own deeply inhaling. He looked down at me, got really close to me and his face was really close to mine. His lips parted and I thought he was going to kiss me, I parted mine too, eager. He then slowly blew the smoke between my lips and lightly brushed his lips against mine. I blew the smoke out of my nose and then pressed my lips against his. The rest of the night I spent with him. Adrian was very sweet, charming, not to also mention incredibly gorgeous. He had these beautiful baby blue eyes that I just got lost in the whole night. His fair skin and brown hair just made his eyes pop even more, his eyes seemed to glow in the dark. We dated for a few months and then I decided I was leaving home and Adrian thought it was a great idea if we lived together. I told my mother about it, she didn’t care her exact words were. . .

“Get out then, now I don’t have to deal with your whining and sad looks all of the damn time. Don’t come back either.”

Her words didn’t bother me; I knew she didn’t give a shit about me and I learned it a long time ago. Adrian and I moved in together in this little apartment the same day I told my mom I was leaving, it wasn’t in the best neighborhood, but I didn’t care, I’ve been through worse... Adrian moved in his furniture from his old apartment that he shared with two other roommates. It was really nice living with him.

And I guess now. . . If I'm truly pregnant, I'll just have to try for them because they didn't ask to be brought into this world.

*Click*

I’m snapped out of my thoughts from the click of the front door closing. Adrian walks into the bathroom and hands me the box with the test inside.