Who Am I?

I've been so distracted with Nate that I've been slacking on my exercise. It's hard to keep a secret from someone when all they ever want to do is hang out and go places, talk all of the time. Especially when that secret is a fucking eating disorder.

I love being around Nate so much though so it's a constant fight in my head. Whenever he wants to go out to eat I have to make an excuse for why I can't go. The excuse is usually, 'I'm sick.'

Which is true! I am sick so I'm not really lying. . . But I still feel bad. He always sounds so sad when I say, I can't go.

I take a deep breath and run my fingers through my thin black hair.

He'll be heading over soon. We're supposed to go to the mall.

I hate the mall. It's filled with people who are judging others based on what they wear, who they're hanging out with, how much money they spend, what things they buy and what stores they shop at.

Just a bunch of prissy bitches.

But I guess the mall counts for getting some exercise since it's a big place and we'll be walking around the whole time.

I go to the blue plastic bin and grab some jeans and a loose fitting Red Hot Chili Peppers band t-shirt with the hole on the bottom right side. Slipping my socks and Vans on that's when my phone rings.

"Hey, I'm walking up to your door," he says.

"Oh! Wait I'm not ready just yet."

"I'll wait in the living room."

Ugh! I don't want him in here! It's so embarrassing.

"It's uncomfortable for me when you're in my apartment."

"Sweetie, I'm at the door," there's a knock on the front door.

God dammit.

I sigh and hang up. I make my way to the chipping brown door and open it up.

There he stands with that gorgeous white smile on his gorgeous face.

"Winter, I've known you for three years and we've been together for a month now. And you still get weird about me being in your apartment."

"Yeah because have you seen this shit hole?"

"I don't care what it looks like."

"I don't need you judging me," I say accusingly.

"Who says I am?" he exclaims. He sighs, "Winter I'm not judging you I promise."

I stare at him pouting. That's when Nathaniel takes my hand and pulls me against his chest. I press my left cheek against his chest. We stand there silently and I feel his hands rubbing both of my bare pale arms. And it doesn't bother me until he mumbles,

"This is the most skin you've shown since I remember seeing you in high school."

That makes me go rigid and get hot then cold all over.

"Uh yeah," I pull away and turn away.

"What? You look nice."

"Thanks, I'll be back."

I leave him there confused and go into my room. If only he knew what kind of mess he's dealing with. I go back to the bin and find an old black long sleeved shirt. Putting that shirt on over the one I'm wearing now and I go into the bathroom.

As I brush my teeth I stare at my face in the mirror.

I'm so fat. I'm going to be the fattest one at the mall. All of the skinny girls are going to stare and point and laugh at my fat ass.

I hate people. I hate assholes.

Tears threatening to come down I slam the toothbrush onto the sink and rinse my mouth free of toothpaste.

I wipe underneath my eyelids and the corners, grab my phone and keys and go into the living room.

He's frowning when I come out, but then he smiles to cover it up.

"Ready?" he asks.

I nod. We walk out, I lock up, we get in his car and ride to the mall listening to music.

We're in the mall and it's going fine, Nate buys himself a Rasta beanie. He bought me a Pink Floyd t-shirt that I love and the day was going nicely, then we hit the food court.

We are sitting at the table and there are plates in front of both of us with two slices of pizza on them. I stare at the pizza and it makes my stomach hurt. Nate is chomping away at his food like it's no big deal. He's in his own world eating and looking around at people like it's no fucking big deal. Like the grease filled dough is delicious to him.

"Hey," he says interrupting my thoughts.

I look up at him from the pizza.

"You're not gonna eat?"

I shake my head, "no it's okay."

"Why?" his concern is now taking over and he puts his pizza down, wipes his face and hands of grease and stares into my eyes.

"I'm just not hungry. . ."

"You have to be, we've been here for at least three hours and I know you haven't eaten breakfast. Come on, I haven't shared a meal with you yet. The pizza is really good, it's the best restaurant in the whole mall."

"I'm not hungry," I say sternly.

"I know you are. Why are you fighting the pizza. Just taste it, you'll love it."

I cannot afford for him to find out about me so I slowly reach my hands for the pizza,while he stares at me. I bring it up to my mouth and I can smell the nauseating grease. I take a little bite and grease just gushes into my mouth.

It's disgusting. Yet so fucking tasty.

I swallow and take another bite. A piece of pepperoni is in this bite and I forgot how much I used to love pepperoni.

I finish the two slices and when I'm done my fingers are wet with grease and so are my lips.

Good job Fatcakes. You'll surely keep those thunder thighs now. You better exercise when you get home.

I shake my head, I am in shock. I am in shock that I just ate two whole pieces of pizza.

Two! Greasy. Thick. Cheesy. Pork covered. Pizzas.

"I want to go home," I say defeated.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"I just," look away from him to the empty tables beside me. "Want to go home."

He nods, clears the table of paper plates and trays. He grabs the bags and walks closely next to me to the car.

The ride to my apartment is quiet only because I refused to add anything to the conversation he was trying to have.

It's not that I'm mad at him, I'm pissed off with myself and wrapped in my thoughts.

He parks and turns the truck off.

"You don't have to walk me inside."

Without a word he gets out opens my door and walks me up and into my apartment.

I try to dismiss him. "It was nice seeing you today, it was fun."

He just smiles and nods.

I stroll over to the door, but he doesn't follow me in fact he walks further into the apartment. All I want to do is work off those calories I just consumed and he's being difficult and getting in the way.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I just want to hang out," he shrugs. "What's wrong? Why were you so quiet and sad in the car? Did I upset you, did I do something wrong?"

He walks up to me, trying to hug me but I take a step back shaking my head.

"You didn't do anything, I just want to be alone."

"Why don't you ever tell me anything Winter? Why am I always in the dark? How is a relationship between us supposed to work if you never tell me anything?" he's visibly upset which upsets me.

"I don't know," I reply.

"Tell me what's wrong," his voice rises.

"There's nothing to tell."

"Winter tell me."

"Tell you what?" I yell. "Tell you what you already fucking know? Here Nathaniel let me spell it out for you. I have an eating disorder. I am a god damn anorexic. I hate eating because food makes me fat. I hate showing skin because motherfuckers like you judge me. I exercise everyday all day, because I am as big as a whale. I hate myself, I am ruined and I'm no good for you."

I'm in tears, sobs shake my frame, "And there's nothing you can do."

His heart is broken and he grabs me in his arms. I start bawling while he holds me tight and snug.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers repeatedly into my hair.