Who Am I?

I tell him everything as we sit on my mattress with our backs against the wall and his arm around me.

"The year I dropped out was the year Jordan reeled me in and raped me. I uh didn't really know how to deal with it. I had no one to talk to about it that I trusted and so it stayed bottled in."

"Not your mom?"

"That cunt," I roll my eyes. "I tried. I tried so freakin hard to talk to her about it and she ignored me. She never wanted me and she never wanted to deal with me. Once I was able to take care of myself she pretended I didn't exist. Which was by the age of eight. She kept food in the house and water and the lights on. At least she did that much."

"I was there for you though, we were friends then," he says.

"After my mom shut me out when I tried to tell her I really just felt lost. I didn't go back to school after that, because I knew Jordan would be there. And then I met Adrian officially."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, shaking my head a little.

"He changed my world. He made me feel like I was something. He helped me get over my eating disorder back then. Adrian actually made me feel like I could be someone and he made me feel loved. Then he dumped me. Got me pregnant and then broke up with me, because I didn't want to destroy the beautiful creation we made together."

I break down in tears again. "I never knew I wanted to be a mother until the day he left. I was so determined I looked for a job everyday. And I failed. I failed myself and I failed my baby."

Nate holds me tight in his arms kissing the side of my head.

"I knew I couldn't carry a child, because before all of this. After Jordan raped me I went into a dark place and that's when my eating disorder developed. And that permanently ruined parts of me, but I still hoped."

"I hoped," I whisper tears falling.