Half Dead

I drifted in and out of consciousness for hours, until the morning sun burnt my closed eyelids. I sit up and rub them, what time is it?

I look around my room, the quiet house is eerie. It's eerie because I haven't woken up at 4 am in a long time. Whenever I wake up one of my parents is up making coffee or breakfast, blending my eggs and bacon.

I get out of bed and look around; the feeling returns to my body. My throat hurts, my eyes hurt, my head is spinning. What happened? What the hell did I do?

I see a note on my desk with my name on it. It's a note from the stupid boy. What's his name? Should I start calling him by his name now? Yes, no.

I grab the note and flip it open, letting my eyes adjust before I read it. I sigh inwardly, afraid to try and do it out loud. Did I really yell go a billion times yesterday?

Dearest Violet,
I'm sorry that you're sleeping, I didn't want to wake you. You look really pretty sleeping, really you do. No, I'm not saying that to get into your cute pink sweats, really. I think you're adorable curled up in your covers, looking vulnerable, in a good way.
Okay, anyway, I didn't tell your parents that you said Go, I told them the truth, but that. Your mom is okay with it, she says that I should talk you into going to therapy for your voice. I think you should go, because I'd like to hear you say my name.
I want to see you tomorrow, is that okay? My email is at the bottom, I'd like to talk to you. I won't do anything bad, I promise. I hope you can trust me.
Sweet dreams, Frankie Iero (pansyboy)

I can only stare at it. It takes a minute to register in my head. He wants me to trust him. He wants to see me again. What's the catch?

I can't trust him, I don't even trust myself. I'm sorry, stupid boy, but I will never trust you. 

Yesterday was a mistake.

I ball the paper up and throw it in the trash. I rub my eyes again and leave my bedroom to eat.

Down in the kitchen, all is still and quiet. I see cookies on a plate, plastic wrap; I get one and sit at the counter, looking it over before I stick it in my mouth. I always did that; I was making sure it was worth eating and not vomiting up.

"Early riser?" I hear my mom, "Good morning."

I didn't even hear her come down the stairs.

"You slept all day, are you alright?"

I give her a noticeable nod as she heads to the coffee maker.

"Frankie was kind yesterday. He worried about you, we talked."

Woo hoo, mom.

My mom looks back at me, "He says that he'll pick you up after school and walk you home, if you want."

No, I don't want that. But, my mom, she's smiling happily. She's happy for me, she thinks I have a friend.

"Are you okay?" she asks again.

And again I nod.

"I'm dropping you off at school today, do you feel up to it?"

I shrug, unsure if I am. Can I face another day?

"Violet?"

I shrug again, I want to crawl back into my bed and sleep. I long for the deepest sleep of all. Death; I wish for death, I welcome it with open arms.

"You're meeting Dr. Neal today, too, since you missed yesterday."

I get up and leave the kitchen, up to the shower. I wish we had doors. I wish I had a knife. I wish I had lethal pills.


The laughter echoes in my ears. It's more than Raven and Gloria laughing at me. It's the entire world. I want to die more than usual.

I skipped again. I stayed in the bathroom after choir and didn't move. I never been so hungry and lonely in my life. 

"We know you're in there, freak." Gloria calls at my stall door, making my thoughts break.

"Shouldn't you be in the boys bathroom?" one of their friends says.

"I have something for you, freak." an orange bottle full of pills hits the top of my head.

I look down as they roll beneath the toilet.

"They're lethal." Raven says, "It'll work this time, pussy."

They all share a laugh.

I get up and grab the pills. I look at them; the label has been torn off. I take one out; it's white with tiny red dots coating it. It looks like a tiny, oval jaw breaker.

I wonder what they are. How many do I take for them to work? 

"A handful should work." Gloria laughs, she must've read my thoughts.

I put the pill back and stuff them into my pocket. I leave the stall with their laughter still ringing in my ears. 

The 5th period bell rings and drowns it out. I head out of the front doors, not caring if anyone catches me leaving. I take my cardigan off and toss it, not before I get the bottle. I head away to the park, but farther away, I don't want anyone to find me. I get toward the edge of the chain link fence, it feels like miles away from the sidewalk, and I sit.

I pour a large amount into my hand and shove them into my mouth. I swallow them whole, wishing I had water. It's not long before I feel dizzy, and I feel like the world is tilting.

I grab my backpack for my notebook. I get a pen before my world gets fuzzier and ends. It hits me then that I'm going to die. It hits me that it's come to this; loneliness and friendlessness and a handful of pills are in my damaged gut. I begin to write; I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. I wanted this. I needed this. Gloria and Raven said so. What's the point of living if no one likes you? I want to be cremated and dumped into the trash, please. Thank you.

I feel sleepy, I close my eyes and grab my backpack to hold against my chest as I fall into a sleep. Even so, my body is shaky and I feel hungry. I can't move, I feel paralyzed. It's working, I can smell death.

Everything goes black like everyone says in those books. I can still think and I wait for it to end. And... It ends...