Half Dead

Am I in heaven? Heaven's suppose to be white and that's all it is when I open my eyes. I heard slow, steady beeps. No, I am not in heaven. I am in a hospital.

I feel the oxygen tubes in my nose and I turn to see the IV bag with blood and water. Shit. How did I get here?

"Violet?" I hear my mother's voice, but I don't look for her.

Detach yourself, I think.

But, suddenly she's in my sight. Her sandy blonde hair hung over her gaunt face. Her eyes are wide, her shiny blue eyes are full of worry and tears. She has bags beneath them, the skin red and thick.

"Honey, you're awake?" 

I blink at her, then I start to cry. I start to sob and shake and my body beats against the side railing of the hospital bed. I try to scream, I've been cheated! I should be dead! What happened?

I'm too busy withering and throwing a tantrum, I don't hear the nurse come in and have my father hold me down. I feel my father's hands hold my thin sides down, his dark, heavy brown eyes staring into my own. He's sad and he looks as if he's on the verge of tears. I feel the prick of a needle and slowly my body stops its outburst.

The nurse is shushing me, "Calm down Violet. Calm down, honey."

I shake my head, the tears rolling down the side of my face and find their way into my ear cavity. My head shakes are slowing, and I squeeze my eyes shut as my body grows heavy. They've sedated me like before.

I guess I fall asleep. It doesn't feel long that I wake up again. My eyes open but I don't start crying and shaking. I look around, it's night and my parents aren't there.

There's a heaviness in my stomach. I feel like a failure. It doesn't feel good to know that you're so bad at life that you can't even kill yourself right. To know that you still have to go through life is the worst feeling. You found a way out and you couldn't unlock the exit door correctly.

I am a failure. I'm not good at anything. I only want to be dead, is that so much to ask?

My thoughts are interrupted by the loud sound of thunder clouds. It's raining outside. I wish I could go outside. I barely have the strength to move my head. The upside is that I'm not hungry and I don't have a headache.

It doesn't take more than 10 minutes before a nurse comes in. I know her, she was my floor nurse when I had the second surgery on my esophagus. She smiles when she sees me awake; "Hi Violet. How are you feeling?"

I remember the pain chart. I raise my hand and lift 2 fingers. She nods, writing it on the chart she's carrying. "It's 5 am, your parents should be here at 10."

I have questions but no energy or real desire to ask or know.

"Violet, I'm going to go get your doctor, alright?"

I don't move, my neck aches.

My nurse, Ellen, left the room, having left on the over head light. I shut my eyes and don't think; what is there to think about? 

A few minutes pass when my doctor, or surgeon, comes in. I remember him too; Dr. Russ. He looks very happy, he's pleased.

"Violet, it's good to see you're finally up! Do you know how long you were out?" I shake my head, "A little over a week. We had a feeding tube down your throat, like last time, and you got all the nuition you need. Do you remember waking earlier this morning?"

I don't respond to the fact that I was practically in a coma. I just shut my eyes again. I heard Ellen enter; "Violet says she feels almost no pain."

"Good," Dr. Russ touches my shoulder, I open my eyes and look at him, "We want you to start walking soon. Your legs need exercise."

I just nod.


Dr. Russ talks to my parents as I walk the halls with my IV cart. It's really annoying, pushing this thing and having Ellen have her hand on my back, helping me walk. I'm like a goddamn toddler.

My steps are shaky at best, I'm on the brink of tumbling. I shuffle on with Ellen helping, encouraging words fall from her mouth and basically hit the floor. I don't care for those words, they sing to deaf ears. I feel bad. I feel like I shouldn't have wasted this woman's time and energy.

By the time we get back to my room, my mom and dad are sitting and smiling. My mom has tears in her eyes, as usual and hugs me for the billionth time. "How was your walk?" she asks as I sit on my bed.

"She did amazingly well," Ellen answers for me, "She'll be better by tomorrow. We're going to have Violet walk every two hours."

My mom and dad say a few more words before Ellen goes away. It's 12 pm, my lunch should be here soon. My mom sits at the edge of my bed, "Me and dad bought you a present."

A present for nearly dying?

"Well, Dr. Wilbur said that it should do some good... It'll help you want to speak." 

I roll my eyes as discretely as I can.

My dad came over and set a box in my lap. It has wrapping paper with candles that says celebrate. I hesitate; "It's for you, honey, don't worry."

I'm not worried. I want to know really why.

"Do you want me to open it?" my dad asks.

I shake my head; my fingers shake, it's hard to rip the paper. My limbs are like jello from the lack of movement in 9 days. My dad opens it for me; it's a white box... It's an iPad. $400+ down the drain.

"We set it up, we put apps on there for you, it's even got your name engraved on the back." my mom's small, thin face is brightened with a smile. 

I look at it; my dad opens the box, takes it out and sets it on my lap. It turns on and I'm greeted with the talkative apps, more child learning apps. Its nice and kind of them; I open the drawing app and write; Thank you

"You're welcome," my dad says.

I begin to write again; You guys can tell me what happened, who found me?

My parents look at one another, then nod, sharing almost like a secret. I wait, but not for long; my dad answers, "A girl name Cheri. She said that she followed you when she saw Raven and Gloria give you those pills."

Cheri? She followed me. How... Odd.

"She called 911 and she made sure to make you vomit." my mom went on.

I don't remember.

"Cheri has come to visit, as well as Frank." my mom smiled, "They're very sweet, Violet. They're your friends."

No they aren't. Why do they even care?

"Frank is coming after school, he always comes." my dad says, "He's a very nice boy, Violet. He sits here and talks to you."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I want that boy to leave me alone. He makes me nervous and I don't like that. The thought makes my stomach queasy.

"Lunch call for Violet Graber."

Now I don't even want to eat.