Half Dead

Words don't come to me easy as I sit to write. Nothing really comes in long over analyzed thoughts anymore. Still, I sit and think a lot.

I think of years passed and it passes through my head faster than it has passed through my life. I can't remember, really, how fast it went by and how I really felt through it all. I try and remember everyday of the past few years but it's really just a blur.

"Are you ready?"

I nod and stand; my legs feel wobbly as I do so. I take in a deep breath and look at my mother, "Yeah."

There's a swelling in my throat as I follow her towards the church pews. She has my hand, and I have hers; it's not as comforting as I wish it would be. It isn't his, it won't ever be his.

I sit in the pew and shut my eyes. I feel a small hand take my arm and I open my eyes; "Mommy, can I sit on your lap?"

I nod and pick up little Lucia and sit her on my lap. I look at her dark, wavy hair and wish to see her eyes, to see the muddy green eyes that remind me of her father. I want to stare at her and I'm afraid I'll start to go crazy like before.

I'm still crazy, only it was hidden for years. It's coming out and I can't stop it. I'll lose it soon.

I can't hear the music. I can't hear the sobs. I can't hear Ms. Iero talking. I can't see the coffin. I can't see anyone but Lucia.

She places her small hands on my cheeks, "Mommy. Mommy, Grandma is calling you."

I shake my head and sit Lucia down. I get up and look around; the world comes back. My wobbly legs lead me to the podium and I look around. A sea of people greet me and I want to scream. I don't remember them.

I look down and see an empty podium, but an obituary tucked in the corner. I see his picture there and I wanna scream. He's dead, but the photo, in the photo he's smiling. Why are you smiling? You're dead.

I can't talk, for the first time in years. I can't fucking talk. This stupid boy made me lose my nerve. 

I grip the podium and wave weakly and step down. I can't talk. I won't talk anymore. I'm going to die. By myself leaving the world behind like I should have years ago.

The cause of my inner anger is gone and I can't hit him. I can't ignore him. I can't turn and run away like before.

I hate you. You stupid idiot boy! I hate you! I hate you! Don't talk to me anymore, don't look at me! 

Don't sit in my spot. Keep smoking until you get cancer, you stupid fuck. I hate you.


10 years and I was happy. 10 years I wasn't sad. I didn't think I'd ever be sad again. 

We were married for 5 years. We had a daughter the first year of marriage. We named her Lucia Frankie Iero. She has big hazel eyes and black wavy hair and she looks just like her daddy. When she was born I fell in love for the second time in my life.

She was 4 going on 5 when Frank went to the store to get cigarettes. I had been mad that he had to smoke; he had started smoking again the year before; after 10 long years. It was stress, we were scraping by with our minimum waged jobs and taking care of our daughter. It wasn't terrible, but it was hard to not be upset by the piling bills. But we were still happy.

I had said to Frank, before he left to the store, "I hope you get cancer." I didn't mean it.

It was 3 hours later, 12 am, when I got the call. I had to drop Lucia off with my neighbor and I ran to the liquor store a few blocks away. A friend of Frank's said there was a robbery, Frank was being Frank. Being a stupid, idiot hero. He tried to shove the robber and was shot in the chest, twice.

One of his lungs was nicked and the second bullet entered his heart. 

The woman at the counter said he was a hero. He saved her life. She said; "The man had blood pouring from his mouth, he was staring at me, his eyes were big. He kept repeating Violet, Lucia, I'm sorry. That's all he kept saying; Violet, Lucia, I'm sorry. I kept telling him he'd be okay, to hang on. I kept sayin' stay with me, don't worry."

He died right there. 11:57 pm on a Saturday in February.

I go there, sometimes, and stand where he died and I mentally yell at him. I scream how much I hate him and how much I wish I never met him. I call him a stupid idiot and say I wish I never gave him a chance.

I get forced out sometimes. Still, I stand between the rack of candies and chips where he died and scream at him. I hate you. I hate you, Frank Iero. My daughter hates you, I will never love you again.

I sit and look at the ceiling, like I was a teenager and ignore the world. I'm just how I was; I live with my parents again and let them take care of Lucia. I don't want to live anymore and I won't fail this time.

I hope I don't see Frank when I go.

I look at the heavy pills in my hand and shove them in my mouth. I swallow them; this time mom and dad are with Lucia at a doctor's appointment. They won't be home for a while, I'll be gone by then. I didn't leave a note. Frank didn't, why would I?

I shut my eyes and count back...

100... 99... 98... 97... 96... 95...

It's black. It's just black.