Half Dead

My mother picked me up, her eyes and head looking around. She's looking for that idiot. He isn't here, he left, promising to never bother me again.

Good.

"Where's your friend?" She asks with a small frown.

He isn't my friend. I don't know where his nor do I care.

"He's a nice boy. I wish you'd talk to him."

Nope. Never gonna happen.

"Well, anyway, I talked to your doctor, he says your throat should be well."

Why did you call the doctor? Did he say I could die soon? That'd be terrific news.

"I called to ask about your throat. He says the surgery was successful and that you should be eating solids or at least talking, but I told him that you can't remember how to. He wants to see you. We're gonna go see him now."

Oh, I see, the old pick you up after school trick. The afternoon doctor visit so I won't miss school. Mom, you're picking up on my tricks.

"Are you okay, Violet?"

No. I'll never be okay.

"Did I ever tell you how I came up with your name?" 

No, nor do I care.

"Your dad bought me begonias and thought they were violets on our first date. I thought it was so cute, and I mentioned it in our wedding vows and I remembered it when I found out I was pregnant with you."

So what?

She cleared her throat, she was gonna cry. Mom, please don't cry! Crying is yucky.

"You know, Violet I love you."

So?

"Did I ever tell you that we didn't think we'd ever have a baby? It's something wrong with me..." there's a sob in her throat, "We were looking into adoption when I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy. I still am happy."

Geez, what does she want from me? I'm not gonna talk. I will not, not even if she tells me some other sad memory.

"Violet, I want you to know that you aren't alone. I love you."

You feel sorry for me, mother that's all. I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be the child you wished and prayed for. I'm sorry for being the waste of a good egg and sperm for you and dad.

I was born defective. I was born with a sweet tooth. I wasn't taught impulsive control. I wasn't taught that eating too much would cause other kids to turn their noses up at you. I was taught that people care more about your waist line than your intellect and courtesy among others.

I'm sorry I'm so defective.

"I want to help you, sweetie." She continued on.

You're wasting your time, dear mother, I am a lost cause.


Dr. Anders had me open my mouth and say AHH. But I don't. I open my mouth, yeah, but I don't AHH. He waits, but he gives up and looks down my throat.

"Violet, you should hum, it can help."

I can't hear you, doctor.

"So, everything is okay?" My mom holding her purse for dear life, she's a nervous wreck.

"Yes, but I'm worried about her state of mind."

He has his hands on my throat, feeling, massaging. Hey, doc, I'm still here, so don't pretend like I'm not. I can't talk, I'm not deaf.

"Violet is seeing a therapist. She's taking medication."

Dr. Anders knows, so he doesn't say anything.

"She's lost 20 pounds since the last I seen her... That was 2 months ago."

My mom cranes her neck at me, "Really? How?"

I don't eat.

Yes, I want to eat, but I don't want to. It's a lose/lose situation, mom.

"Lack of nutrition, lack of eating. It's in her mind set, Mrs. Graber."

Yeah, it's in my head, doc.

It's in Raven's head, in Gloria's head. Everyone hates the fat girl, so automatically, everyone hates me. But, I'm not fat anymore, so why do they still hate me? Beats me. I don't know.

"Is there anything I can do?" mom, you sound hopeless.

"I'll prescribe her some vitamins that'll increase her appetite." 

Dr. Anders looks at me with that disgusted masked look. I know the look, he hates me too, just like Raven and Gloria. Don't worry, doc, I hate me too.

"Thank you." mom, you're so desperate.


My dad has given me a bag of butterscotch candies to suck on. It's all I want to eat, and it's better than eating tic-tacs. My mom wants me to eat more, so she called the school and now I'm forced to go to drink a vitamin smoothie at the end of 2nd and 5th period.

That's all I need is another reason to gain attention toward me. I had to carry the smoothie around, forcing the strawberry-orange tasting drink down my throat. I hate it, but I want it as much as I don't want it.

"God, you're such a pig." Gloria spat at me.

If I could, I'd oink at her. I can't remember how to oink.

Even after school, I still had my smoothie, and I keep my eyes on the ground as I walk to the park. Religious Studies was my last period and I bared the brunt of abuse while slurping the last drink pretty loudly. This one was full and I couldn't wait to finish it.

I got to the park and saw the stupid boy in my spot. I sigh in my head, wishing it could form in my throat. The smoothie is still on my tongue, forcing bad breath; I take a tic-tac from my pocket and sit down on the bench.

It's oddly quiet.

Don't say you miss the stupid boy, because you don't.

Yes, but he looks so sad sitting there.

Fuck having feelings sucks! I don't like him!

So? Don't be a heartless bitch.

I am heartless. Raven and Gloria and their friends stole it from me.

Don't be so hard on him, he likes you.

No, he's a spy working for them. He doesn't really like me. No one really likes me except food. These smoothies. The abyss of loneliness; those are my best friends.

Don't be so hard... Wave, he's looking over.

I try to exhale a sigh, but it's just a breath. I put my hand up, but he turns away before he saw it. I saw his face though, he had a black bruise on his cheek.

Maybe he gets bullied too?

He shouldn't, he has charm, remember?

He's insecure.

He's an idiot, he should keep his mouth shut.

What's his name?

I don't know.

Yes you do.

Fine, it's Frank, something or other. I hate talking to myself.

Go say--

My second conscious is cut short when Gloria strolls up. My heart begins to beat rapidly as she comes over with Raven.

"Hey, mutey!" Raven greets me.

Gloria smirks, their friends laugh, and she grabs my smoothie. 

Take it. I don't want it now.

"What's this? You pigging out? Are you anorexic?"

Raven laughs loudly, "I bet, that's the only way she'd lose weight!"

"She took my advice too, that may've helped."

I see my mom pull up, and so I get up and walk away. I hear them talk some more about me, then I felt the soft, plastic cup hit me in the back. I felt the half full smoothie waste on my back and over my uniform and hair. I stop momentarily and let some tears slip out of habit.

"You're spineless. You're nothing. Kill yourself." Raven calls.

I look over at the stupid boy who's jaw is dropped and he has a big bruise on his face. I look away, wipe my eyes and continue to my mom's car. Before I get in, I take off my cardigan, wrap it up and wipe my face, hair and skirt. My mom looks at me curiously, then back towards the bench, out the back passenger window.

"Violet, what happened?"

What do you think?