Clearing in the Woods

I woke to a text from Cece the next morning.

Meet me in the clearing @ 1.
Love you.

I smiled and jumped out of bed to take a quick shower and get ready.

As I walked to the clearing I found myself smiling. Although she was having a difficult time with her mother it felt like we were moving forward. We were out in the open now. I had told my mother six months earlier and was now living with my sister. Needless to say it hadn't gone well.

I could see it now. Sitting there on the couch with Cecelia, my Mom in the chair oppisite us. I reached over and took her hand in mine, watching my Mother's eyes narrow as she stared at our intertwined fingers.

"Mom..." Cece squeezed my hand. "I'm a lesbian....and....I'm in love with Cece."

The silence was long and painful as she stared at us, looking utterly confused. Her face hardened suddenly.

"Get out."

"Mom..."

"Get out. I will not have you in my house. How could you do this to me?" She spat.

"Mom. I'm sorry. This is just who I am...I didn't choose this."

"I'll give you two days to get out." She snapped, turning and walking away from us.

It hurt. It hurt so bad, but If she can't love me for who I am she didn't love me all that much anyway. And I still had my Cece. Now, there was no more hiding. We could look to our future together.

I arrived first and sat down in my usual spot in the grass, crossing my legs in front of me and looking up at the sky. It was cold today, for summer at least, and looked like we might get rain.

I listened to my iPod and played a few games to pass the time, by this point and was getting rather impatient. I pushed myself up to my feet and looked around but saw no sign of her. I was about to check my watch when something blue sitting in the grass caught my eye.

"What the hell." I muttered, walking closer.

I realized it was a box.

A box? Why would there be a box here...Cece. My heart rate increased. What would she leave here? A gift?

I slowly picked up the box and lifted the cover.

A necklace?

I slid my fingers under the delicate silver chain and lifted it, my stomach contracting painfully as I recognized it.

Nana's necklace...

I had given her my Grandmother's necklace for our one year anniversary. I had been very close to her and she gave it to me when she died.

A note lay at the bottom of the box.

Phoenix,

I can't be with you anymore. Please don't contact me again.

- Cecelia.

I stood staring at the note for a long time. I felt numb, horrified, this couldn't be happening to me. I had given up everything for her. Not just my relationship with my parents but my aspirations for university, now that they weren't going to help me I had no way to pay while living on my own. I gave it up for her. For our love. I felt a sudden wetness on my hand and looked up, expecting to see rain falling but there was none. It was then that I became aware of the tears sliding down my cheeks.

How long have I been crying?

I collapsed onto the ground clutching the box in one hand and the necklace in the other and began to sob. I sobbed until my eyes were sore from all the rubbing. I sobbed until my ribs ached from the heaving. I sobbed until my hands were sore from how tight I was clutching the things in my hands.

Just when my sobbing began to subside, not for lack of sorrow but because I had no tears left, I felt a terrible panic consume me. My breathes came in short gasps and although I was in a huge open field I felt claustrophobic, like the whole world was caving down onto me.

I can't be with you anymore.

I jumped to my feet and began to run full speed, attempting to escape this horrifying feeling, although my legs seemed to be moving with a mind of their own, I was so consumed with panic it was all my brain could register.

Please don't contact me again.

A dry sob escaped my lips and through blurry eyes I recognized my apartment and ran up the wooden steps, bursting through the front door finding the place empty. I breathed heavily, both from my run and the panic I felt, and looked frantically around the kitchen.

What do I do? What do I do??

I stumbled down the hall into the bathroom and through open the cabinet, mindlessly grabbing a razor.

I fell down onto the toilet and looked over the razor in my hands.

Can I really do this? Renewed tears began to fall from my eyes. It's over. Everything's over. My life is ruined. This is the only way out.

I popped the razor out and walked down to my room, grabbing a piece of paper and pen from my desk and jotting down a simple message: I'm sorry.

When I returned to the bathroom I realized that I had stopped crying, I suddenly felt calm or was it numb?

I took a deep breath and pressed the razor against my arm, pushing harder and harder until it broke the skin and sliced through veins and muscles, then proceeding to drag it up the length of my forearm. I quickly switched hands and did the same to the other arm.

As I watched the blood spilling from the wound and saw the exposed flesh I felt nothing. No pain at all. But I was fascinated by the sight of it and stared numbly as more and more blood seeped out, covering my legs and pooling on the floor.

I had no idea of the time that was passing. It could have been minutes or hours. All I was aware of was the growing pool of blood and the weakness that grew as the time went on. My eyelids were becoming heavier and I felt as if I was being slowly pulled into darkness. I was cold, so cold. My body shivered violently.

I leaned my head back against the wall, with my face towards the ceiling and closed my eyes, allowing myself to slip into the darkness.