We Will Never Be the Same

I hadn't emerged from the room in two days, maybe even more, I had lost track of time. I didn't do anything but think and think, I slept and cried. It was draining and I had felt bad when Josh would try and talk to me. I didn't know what to say to him, I was embarrassed that my own mother told me I needed to go to therapy.

"You have work today." Josh said loudly, snapping me out of me thoughts. I sat quietly, hoping that he would think I was sleeping. Instead he knocked on the door before opening it, I looked away from the door quickly. My eyes felt swollen from all the crying I had been doing.

"Eden."

"I'll call in sick. I don't feel like going today." I mumbled into my hands. Josh sighed, "You can't lock yourself in our room forever, Eden."

"Leave me alone." I laid back down and rolled onto my stomach, burying my face into my pillow. "I'm so fucking tired of all of this. I just want to make you feel better and all you do is push me away. I don't know anymore. I don't know how to fix this. "
I wanted to sit back up and question him but I was too bummed out to even move. It was sad that I didn't even care. He didn't understand me enough to know that I wanted to be left alone.

"Are you even listening to me?" He asked me.

"I heard you." I mumbled into the pillow.

"Look at me, Eden." His voice sounded stern and demanding. I slowly push myself off the bed, I moved my hair away from my eyes and looked up at him.

"Do you want this relationship to work?" He asked, he looked sad and I couldn't stand to look at him.

"Of course I do but-"

"Yes or no?" He snapped.

"Yes." He grabbed my face in both his hands, "Than stop pushing me away." I closed my eyes and sighed, "Its hard, Josh."

"You're making it hard, Eden. This could be easier." He whispered. I wanted to cry all over, "I'm just so sad, I don't know how to move on. I thought I was fine up until now. Sure, I would get sad time from time but I can't get past this ... I ..." My eyes watered and I let out a sob.
I was stuck in a place of desperation. I really didn't know what to do. It might be dramatic but I had lost hope, in almost everything.

I didn't go to work that day and I was glad that Josh didn't bother me over it. Instead he decided to bother me over something else.

"Why don't you go out with your friends?" He asked later that day. I was still in bed, hiding under the covers.

"You're my only friend." I mumbled. I could hear his faint chuckle, "What about Cherry?" I hadn't talked to Cherry in a while, in months.

"She has Matt."

"Don't shut everyone out."

"Ugh." I replied, hoping that he would leave me alone. He had a point, Cherry was my best friend and I missed her but I wasn't sure if I was in the right mindset to go out. I could use a friend right now, someone I could open up to.

"Ok, I'll see you later." I said quietly as I grabbed my keys off the coffee table. Josh came over and planted a soft kiss on my temple, "Have fun," He patted my back.

"Eden!" Cherry pulled me in for a tight hug. She hugged me for a while more before letting me go. Cherry smiled at me brightly, linking arms with me.

"How have you been, buddy?"

"Ok." I lied. I wasn't ok, not even close. So much for opening up. I wasn't comfortable with talking about my situation with anyone. Dinner was going smoothly and I had actually enjoyed it, it kept my minds off of things and it reminded me of what I had been missing for the last couple months. I missed coming out, I missed hanging out with my small group of friends.

"That's so cool!" Josh exclaimed a huge smile on his face as he looked at the small screen. I looked away from his face and stared at the monitor.

"Do you wish to know the gender?" The nurse asked with a small smile on her face. Josh and I both answered at the same time, "Yes." She moved the stick around my belly, her eyes squinting as she studied the screen.

"You're having a girl. " She smiled, "Congrats." She printed us a couple pictures and left us alone for a moment. Josh and I exchanged looks,

"A girl." he stated. I laughed a bit as I sat up, sliding my shirt of my protruding stomach.

"And you thought it was going to be a boy." I teased. Josh had a look of shock and happiness on his face,

"I just can't...believe all of this."

"I know, its all very surreal." I added.

"I can't wait to meet her." Josh smiled as he pulled me into his arms, hugging me.

"Neither can I." I replied, wrapping my arms around his torso.