We Will Never Be the Same

"I wish you good luck!" Dan saluted me. I laughed a little and turned the knob, I walked into our hotel room, bracing myself. Cherry had come by the pool and scolded us for about 5 minutes. She ordered me to go talk to Josh while she forced Dan into his room. I heard the shower running, which was a bit of relief. I had time to gather my thoughts, I had to apologize but he had to, too. I kicked off my sandals and undid my hair so that it fell around my shoulders. I was so caught up on my thoughts that I didn't even realize Josh had come into the room. I looked up from the floor and met his smoldering eyes.

"Why are you in a bathing suit?" He asked.

"I was at the pool with Dan." I said quickly.

"Dan. Dan. Dan."

"Anyways," I shot up, "I -

"You and Dan seem to be having fun on this vacation." Josh cut me off. I scoffed.

"Well, yeah, I can't have fun with you because you're so goddamn stubborn." I raised my voice.

"You haven't even tried to spend time with me, Eden! We've barely even talked. We've been here for two days and Dan is the only person you've spent time with."

"I was looking forward to spending time with you until you hinted that I had a thing for Dan. He's just my friend, he's our friend. You just jumped to some crazy conclusion. I was hoping that you would be over it today so that we could enjoy ourselves but you've been distant and there's no way to get through to you." I breathed heavily, trying to stop myself from being upset.

"I'm sorry, okay? I just..." he trailed off. I swayed a little, looking away from him.

"Just forget it." I mumbled.

"I am sorry, I know it sounds selfish but I wanted you all to myself during this trip and it just annoyed me when you went off to hang out with Dan."

"Ok, you can have me all to yourself starting now." Josh shook his head and smiled.

"You're half naked." I pointed out. I had just realized that he had a towel wrapped around his waist. There was no point in being mad at him now, he admitted his wrongs and apologized.

Josh walked over to me and pressed his lips against my forehead. I wrapped my arms around his bare neck. I pressed kisses to his chest. Josh sucked in a breath when I started to suck on his skin. He pulled away to look down at me.

"What?" I asked breathlessly. He shook his head and shrugged. I grasped his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his. Josh pushed me back onto the bed. I glanced up at him,

"What?"

"This damn towel is making it hard for me to move."

"Take it off." Oh, god. I was talking dirty, wasn't I? I slapped myself mentally before sitting up. I could see the small smirk on Josh's face. He walked over to me, his hand on my neck, he undid the top string of my bikini. Slowly, his hands traveled down my back until he pulled the second set of strings. He laid me down and began to suck on my neck. My breathing hitched when I felt him pulling off my bottoms. He had barely touched me and I was going insane.

"God, you're beautiful." Josh breathed. I was feeling all jittery and nervous.

"Stop looking at me." I rolled my eyes playfully. He laughed and pulled the towel off of his waist. It was then that it occurred to me that Josh hadn't seen me naked in a while. I had started feeling self conscious. The fact that Josh was staring at me was making it even worse.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowed and a small frown on his face.

"N-nothing." I rolled off the bed and looked around for my clothes.

"Eden?"

"I'm fine." I felt him spin me around so that I was facing him. He brushed my hair out of my face, and gave me a confused look.

"Tell me what's bothering you." He persisted.

"I-I...I don't feel comfortable."

"Why not?"

I groaned, "I just don't. I'm not the same."

"What?"

"Look at me, I'm not as skinny as I used to be, I have stretchmarks." I pointed them out. Sure, they weren't as visible as they used to be but they were still there.

"I don't care about any of that, Eden."

"I just can't, not right now." I sighed.

They let me hold her, but only because I insisted. I wasn't going to be able to take her home, to snuggle her, to calm her down when she cries. I wasn't going to see her grow up. It was an odd feeling, holding a lifeless body. She was so small and so light. I didn't do anything but cry. Josh took her from me and I felt so empty, so lost. She was so perfect and it wasn't fair. I couldn't watch when the nurse took her.

It was about two weeks after when we had a small funeral. The coffin was tiny, and I couldn't bear the thought that my baby was in there. After that, I was never the same and I doubted that I would go back to my normal 'happy' self.