We Will Never Be the Same

Amanda and my mom were more excited than I was, and that sounded a bit mean but I still wasn't grasping the whole thing. I couldn't wrap my mind around being pregnant;again.

"Josh is coming home next week!" Amanda said in a sing song voice. I ignored her and kept my gaze on my plate of food. I had just recently came back from the doctor's, they ran some tests and stuck things up me to see if the baby was developing. According to my doctor, I was a month and a half along, my due date being October 31st, which was sorta cool.

I wasn't trying to think about Josh, only because the thought of having to tell him made me really nervous. This was unplanned and Josh was a busy person, touring,recording and all that & I wasn't sure if I could raise a baby all by myself.

"It'll be fine, you know. He'll be ecstatic!" My mom said, smiling over at me.

"Your mom is right, kiddo." My dad added.

"Maybe." I mumbled.

~

The day was finally here! Josh was coming home, and I would feel nothing but excited if I didn't have to tell him I was pregnant. I was pacing the living room and wondering if I should outright say it or let him talk about tour, or maybe I should just tell him tomorrow? The front door opened and I turned around, Josh dropped his luggage and smiled brightly,

"Eden." He sighed, walking over and wrapping his arms around me, holding me tightly. I buried my face in his chest and hugged him closer. "Oh, how I've missed you." He whispered and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. I laughed a bit, "I've missed you more." He pulled away and moved my hair away from my face, he grabbed my cheeks and pinched at them, "I've missed this face so much!"

"Ugh, stop." I giggled, slapping his hands away. He stopped and swiftly pressed his lips to mine. I smiled and leaned up, wrapping my arms around his neck. We made out for a couple minutes before I pulled away,

"So-" I was going to ask him how tour was but Josh decided to cut me off.

"What's been going on with you?" He smiled, he patted the spot next to him on the couch. I walked over slowly, feeling anxious.

"I've been working a lot, mostly at the shop. Which is great, lots of people come in and its a whole different experience than just working at the office."

"And?"

"What do you mean?" I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Dunno, looks like you wanted to say more." He smiled softly. Just say it, Eden, say it. Oh god, I was breaking up a sweat.

"Eden?" Josh asked, grasping my thigh.

"What?" I snapped.

"You okay? " No, I wasn't okay, I was nervous as hell. I nodded quickly, moving away from him. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed myself a bottle of water, I took a big gulp before fanning myself, I was gonna have a panic attack from being so freaking nervous.

I could feel my face heating up and my eyes watering. Why was this so hard? I wiped at my tears and as if on queue Josh walked in, he walked straight over and took the bottle out of my hands, staring at my face intently,

"What's going on, Eden?" He asked, his eyebrows raising. I shrugged and tried to undo his hold on my wrists.

"Hey, look at me."

"Josh-"

"Look at me, Eden, " I shook my head and he softly grabbed my chin and turned my face towards him. "Tell me."

"No." I mumbled. My hands were pushing against his chest, trying to get away, but I was failing miserably. Josh was way stronger than I was.

"Don't be difficult, what has you so worked up?" He whispered.

"Nothing!" I whined.

He let out a chuckle, "You're lying," He tapped my nose with his thumb, "Tell me what's going on, babe." I groaned and closed my eyes, I dropped my hands from his chest.

"I'm......." Deep breath, "Pregnant." I still had my eyes closed because I was still a bit nervous.

"What?"

"You heard me!" I opened my eyes and glared at him, I was sort of expecting to see a confused look, but Josh was smiling. He let go of my face and took a few steps back, running his hands through his hair.

"Wow." He chuckled, looking over at me. "You don't look very happy."

I sighed and looked down at the floor, "I'm not very happy."

"Why not?" He frowned.

"Because...what if it-"

"Don't think about 'what ifs', Eden. This is great!" It wasn't that easy, and Josh just wasn't getting it. I wasn't ready for another baby and I didn't have anyone but myself to plain because I knew I should have been more safe. I had just started to feel better, I wasn't as sad anymore but if it happens again, then I would be totally done.

"I'm going to bed." I said as I walked out the kitchen and into the bedroom, I could hear Josh walking behind me. I didn't want to talk to him but I knew it was a key part to our relationship, we had to discuss this.

I laid down,covering my face with a pillow. My eyes started to water and before I knew it, I was sobbing grossly.

"Eden," Josh tugged on the pillow but I just turned my back to him. "What's wrong."

"I'm scared." I said into the pillow.

"What about, love?" He rubbed my back and played with the ends of my hair. I tried to catch my breath and wiped my tears on the pillow.

"What if I lose this baby, too? Then what? What if I'm just not capable of carrying a baby to full term? There's probably something wrong with me," I sniffled, " I don't want you to hate me if I can't have this baby."

"I won't ever hate you, Eden. All these doubts you're having are normal, I'm sure. But you're stressing yourself out, and that isn't good. Everything will be fine, okay?" I sat up and turned to him,

"You don't know that." I mumbled.

"You're so negative, Eden."

"I'm being realistic!"

"Well, stop. Let's just be happy, because this is something we should be happy about. And I'll be damned if you think I'll let you mope around." I started to cry all over again,

"What now?"

"You're so perfect, Josh." I leaned over and hugged him, pushing him onto his back. "Is that why you're crying?" He questioned.

"Yes."

"Silly girl." He wiped my tears and pressed a kiss to my forehead, "I love you, Eden and I have a feeling everything will turn out okay."

"I sure hope so." I whispered