Despicable Love

After a weekend of wallowing in self-disappointment, I returned to school. An academic week, thank goodness. I could avoid Mr. Morris at all costs; no locker trips, no standing in my usual spot in the morning, no class with him. At least I had a week to avoid him.

I couldn’t believe what I had done, I didn’t even allow my ex touch me that way until we had been together for months. But I just couldn’t get over the feeling of what it was like being with a real man, at least for a moment. The way he held me, the way he touched me, kissed me, his swift movements. A shiver of pleasure shot through my body at the thought.

/He’s married. He has a child on the way. He’s your teacher./

I shook the thought away as the bell rang for first period. /Focus now, Kelsey, focus on school./

----

Oh, what do you know, Little Miss Kelsey can’t focus on anything. The breakup with my ex, Justin, was still on my mind as well as my little affair with my seductive young teacher. Justin, I found out, had been cheating on me with his good friend Vanessa. Oh how they had me fooled. Promise after promise, Justin assured me that they were no more than friends and that if he wanted her, he wouldn’t be with me. Her messages to me were also quite convincing, sympathizing with me, telling me she knows how it feels to have some girl come into your boyfriend’s life and have it scare you half to death, and that she would never think of doing anything to ruin our relationship.

Oh, but I caught them. Downtown, /down-fucking-town/ of all places, I happen upon the two kissing in the grass, completely disregarding everything around them. I didn’t even bother saying a word, I just went home and changed the status of my relationship and deleted him from my life.

Heartbreak aside, I entered into my final class period with my shop-mates, sliding into my usual seat. My theory teacher, Mr. O’Malley, had yet to enter the room, so we all socialized freely. Madison complained about her troubles with her boyfriend, Aaron. Andy and Dave about their fishing trip that evening. Carly cracking sexual jokes to Kathryn. Nichole bickering with Amanda over who-knows-what. After about five minutes of this day-to-day routine, the door opened, and in stepped the last person I wanted to see.

“Hello everyone.” Mr. Morris said as he made his way to the front of the classroom. He had that awkward smile on his face, the one that made my heart melt. I looked down at my desk. Fuck my luck.

“Mr. O’Malley is out this week, he has some personal issues he needs to take care of.”

/Get me out of here. Please get me out of here. A whole goddamn week of this?/

“You aren’t going to make us watch another one of those useless movies, are you?” Nichole, one of my closest friends, interjected from the front of the room.

“Now, now, stop with the negativity.” Mr. Morris replied to her, and I could hear Nichole grumble something under her breath. She was the one who always made a point to say what everyone else was thinking, but are too afraid to say. Her personality was too strong for her own good.

“Miss McNally, can I have your attention? Or is there something on your desk that is a little more distracting than myself?”

/Way to be subtle./

I pretended I had spaced out and lifted my head quickly. “What? Sorry.”

He smiled at me, a smile that held a hint of sadness. A hint of rejection. He proceeded with a lecture on an upcoming exam, but I barely paid attention. All I could think about was his half-naked body pressed against mine.

/I am a whore./

“Miss McNally, since you seem to be in another place, why don’t I speak to you after class about the lecture that the rest of your classmates have been tentatively listening to. You drive, don’t you?”

“I’ve been listening. No need to stay.” My voice was trembling so badly and I could feel my face burning with embarrassment.

“Please, tell me then, what I’ve been talking about?”

“I…”

“If you had been listening you would have realized I’d instructed everyone take notes.” He interjected. “All you’ve been doing is staring at your desk. I’ll see you after class, Miss McNally.” He stated in a cool, stern manor.

Why was he doing this? There was no need to embarrass me in front of the class; that was something he rarely ever did to anyone. How could he be so bitter? He knows just as well as I do that we can’t see each other in the way we had last Friday. He’s acting like a child.

The minutes dragged on as I waited to get out of the classroom. Hopefully, I could escape speaking with him. I could make a mad dash for my car. As I pondered my escape, I completely ignored the assignment at hand. Not only that, but I could feel Mr. Morris’ eyes burning into me, and I avoided his stare like I would a wildfire.

Finally, the bell rang, and since I hadn’t removed a single utensil from my bag, I swept up the papers distributed and flung my bag over my shoulder, striding for the door.

“Miss McNally, I said I want to speak with you.”

“Oh shoot.” David blurted. Always him with the unnecessary comments. Nichole elbowed him in the ribs as the pushed passed me through the door.

I waited until my classmates had filed out the door before speaking.

“Mr. Morris, I really have to get going. My mom’s going to wonder why I’m not home on time and I’d really hate to make her worry.”

“You’d be stuck in the traffic exiting the school anyway, she won’t know the time difference. Besides, you’re 18, a legal adult. You should do as you please.”

“Well, if I were to do as I please, I would be walking out this door right now.”

“Witty. A new trait I have discovered of you, Kelsey.” He smirked.

“I don’t really want you to learn any more.” I reached for the handle of the door, but he interjected.

“Wait, please, Kelsey come here. Sit down.”

He sounded sincere, and so I reluctantly pulled up a chair beside him. I was sure to keep my distance, and I was sure to keep my eyes to the floor.

“Look at me.” He whispered.

“You understand that we are in school, probably the worst place to be doing… this.”

“What is this? We’re talking.” He had a point. We weren’t touching. We weren’t doing anything. Yet, I knew, and I’m sure he did too, that there was still that pull between us; a longing for each other. To be closer than we were now.

“I want to know you, Kelsey. Let me in. I want to be a part of you.”

I was silent. What do I say? I wanted him, but in a physical way, I think. To fill the gap that has been left in me since Justin took my heart and shredded it to pieces. Not only my heart, but my trust. How did I know that what he was saying wasn’t just an act to take advantage of me?

/It is, leave him. Don’t hurt yourself again./

“You don’t want to be a part of me. Mr. Morris, you have a wife! You’re expecting a child! This isn’t right, and we can’t be together. My heart is in pieces, my trust is diminished. My mental state is questionable, and this is just not something that I am doing based on reason!”

“Not so loud…” He cautioned, looking around anxiously.

“Just another reason this shouldn’t be happening.” I picked my bag up off the floor and flung it over my shoulder as I started to stand. “I think it’s best I leave now.”

“Please, talk to me. Tell me about what happened with you and, what’s his name, Jason?”

“Justin.” I corrected sharply. His name tasted bitter in my mouth. “I’m leaving now, leave me be.”

He sat silent, hands clasped together tightly and eyes staring at the ground. I waited just a moment for him to speak, but nothing came. “I’ll see you tomorrow; have a good day Mr. Morris.”

I exited the classroom and made my way to my car. Once inside, I dropped my head in my hands and cried.