Fire Escape

People were always telling me to move on.

She's no good for you, Kris.

Her heart isn't in it anymore. How are you still together?

Kris, man, there's plenty of women out there. Kick her to the curb.

Even I had similar thoughts. But I've never been someone who could let go and leave. People always did that to me.

The apartment was quiet when I got home, like usual. Silence replaced most of our conversations these days anyway. Everything was still; nothing was moving. That seemed to describe our relationship too. Actually, we might even be backtracking, Paige and I.

It was well past eleven o'clock and I knew that she would be asleep. She always was.

I gently set my keys down on the table near the door and hung my coat up. Walking towards the bedroom, I began to undo my tie then slid my shoes off. I discarded the rest of my clothes, minus my boxers, and tossed them on the dresser. I would deal with them tomorrow. Or maybe Paige would. She had always hated clutter around the place.

I was standing on the opposite side of the bed from where she lay. She seemed so distant, so far away. In fact, I wondered how she hadn't fallen off the edge--in more ways than one. I grabbed one of the pillows and tossed it to the floor then picked up my side of the covers and slid underneath, instantly shivering. I should have known better; my side was always cold now, whereas before there was no such thing as a 'side' of the bed.

Pushing myself up on my elbow, I leaned over the king sized mattress to her. I moved some of her wild, curly brown hair--one the reasons I was so attracted to her--away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Lately, she had been drying it straight and sometimes she would yank it up into a ponytail or bun. Her hazel eyes, which held more green than most people's did, were shielded from me. They rarely danced with the happiness they once held. After another minute of admiring her I placed a soft kiss to her bare shoulder. I could feel her tense up and pull away. I hung my head, trying to keep my composure. I took a deep breath and then pulled the sheets up over her arm before turning away.

The curtains were open, allowing the moonlight to shine in. It was sort of calming, I suppose.

I didn't know what I had done wrong. I gave Paige everything that I had. She just didn't seem to want any of it anymore.

I befriended her when she sat next to me on the first day of grade 10. She was new to town, but she seemed nice enough and she was very pretty. I let her cry on my shoulder more times than I care to think about because everything she felt, I felt too. I did my best to protect her and keep her safe because I didn't want to think about what life would be like without her anymore. I would surprise her some nights and come home bearing flowers just because I could. And by no means was I a highly regarded chef, but when I was home in the mornings I would even attempt to make her breakfast. She used to laugh at how messy the stove would be when I was finished and said I should stick to cereal. Not anymore. I used to catch her daydreaming out the windows and I would sneak up behind her and grab her waist, making her squeal. Now we barely touch, barely talk. Paige would come to every home game that she could and wore my jersey or some Penguins hoodie and just a pair of jeans and tennis shoes. She hasn't ever been concerned with 'dressing up' and she didn't need to be; she was beautiful just the way she was. Now she watches our games from the couch, when she even watches at all.

Confronting her about our dwindling relationship ends up in an argument, leaving her more and more distant from me. In an effort to hold on to what was left of her, I stopped asking. It hurt her and it hurt me so we pushed the elephant to the farthest corner of the room and threw a blanket over it. It was eating away at me, slowly but surely. And soon, whether I wanted it to happen or not, there would be nothing left.

Snow started to make it's way down from the sky and little wet flakes littered the windows in less than a few minutes. It was always the nicest when left untouched. You wanted to make those snow angles and hit your friend with a snowball, but did you really want to destroy a perfect scene? Yes. Because you would have more fun than you could've possibly imagined and eventually the snow would fall again, perfectly.

I moved my head to stare up at the ceiling, hoping for some sort of answer. When nothing came, I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

A lot of people, namely my friends and family, felt sorry for me. They could see what was happening even though I had never mentioned a word of it. I never shared my problems, except for with Paige, because I didn't want anyone worrying about me. But even now, I had shut myself off to her because the pain was no longer tolerable. She didn't seem to care.

They told me that I was an idiot for staying with her. They said that I deserved better. They insisted that I needed to move on.

But I couldn't help but think that things might get better, that things would start looking up. There was a time when she loved me like how I love her. I don't know how a love like that can just vanish. A part of me believes that she still cares for me, but it's a small part.

Maybe I would find out, maybe I wouldn't. I could only pray that I would.

The clock read 3:18.

I had spent longer than usual thinking about her and what we had become. We were strangers now.