Shelter

Alex’s anxiety started on the first headlining tour.

Everyone was excited to be headlining a national tour for the first time. It was a huge step in the band’s career and the best thing that had happened since they got signed to Hopeless Records. Alex had been excited too, but not as much as the others. It was a totally different experience, being out on the road for an entire tour instead of half of a tour as a supporting act. There was more freedom as the headlining band, especially now that they had a decent amount of money to blow on fun nights out together.

Maybe it was the newly acquired freedom, the shows, or the thousands of fans, but Alex began to get really anxious every day. All he could think about was what could go wrong. What if his guitar suddenly stopped working during a show? What if he got chased down and cornered by fangirls outside the venue? What if the bus broke down and they missed a show? Or worse – what if the bus rolled over on the highway and everyone died?

Anxiety was a weird thing. It made Alex want to crawl into his bunk and never come out. At first it was just a constant worrying, sometimes a fast heartbeat when he got nervous. It was easy to overcome that by calming himself down and talking to his friends. But when the first anxiety attack hit, it really scared him. They had been driving in the tour bus when a storm hit, and the way the wind pushed the bus around really started to freak him out. Alex had run back to his bunk, feeling tight chested and shaky and dizzy. It was a weird feeling and he curled up in his bunk, waiting for it to pass.

The anxiety attacks continued, but his friends didn’t know about them. They just assumed that Alex wanted to be alone whenever he would go off to hide in his bunk. Alex was okay with that; he didn’t want anyone else to know about his anxiety. He was embarrassed of it, to be quite honest.

That didn’t last long. After two weeks of occasional anxiety attacks, the thing he had been fearing happened – he had an anxiety attack on stage. After one of their songs he started to get that heart-pounding feeling, and it wasn’t the adrenaline rush he usually got while performing. It was more like a feeling of dread and nausea. He had managed to squeak out that he’d be right back, saying he felt sick, and ran backstage. Flyzik had immediately run after him to see what was wrong, only to see Alex sitting on the ground with his knees pulled to his chest, shaking. They ended up cutting the set short because Alex couldn’t get back on stage to play.

It was soon after his friends found out about his anxiety that his nightmares started. Those were ten times worse than the anxiety attacks. An anxiety attack was hard enough to deal with by himself, but the nightmares were horrible. Being woken up from sleep because of a terrifying nightmare is not how Alex wanted to spend the rest of his tour. The nightmares were anything from drowning to falling in space to having his throat slit open by a murderer. Each nightmare was progressively worse.

Alex didn’t tell anyone about the nightmares, but just like with the anxiety, they figured it out soon enough. A few of them woke up to Alex screaming during the night, and it scared the hell out of everyone. Alex had to explain that he had been having nightmares almost every other night for the last few weeks of tour.

Once everyone knew about Alex’s anxiety and nightmares, they were constantly hovering over him. He hated it. Everyone just wanted him to see go see a professional to “cure” his problems. Even after the tour ended, the anxiety and nightmares continued. The next tour rolled around and the anxiety and nightmares were worse than before. That’s when Matt Flyzik forced Alex to go see doctors.

The doctors all suggested anxiety medication, but Alex didn’t want to take that shit. Prescription or not, he didn’t want to succumb to drugs to get rid of his problems. Flyzik had actually made him go see a therapist when the nightmares got really bad. She wasn’t helpful at all. All she wanted him to do was talk through his problems, and that just made it worse. Alex had a full-out anxiety attack in the therapist’s office and she didn’t do anything to help. He got angry and threw something breakable against the wall before leaving the building.

Needless to say, he didn’t ever go back to therapy.

The problem was that none of his friends were actually helpful when an anxiety attack or nightmare came up. None of them except Jack.

Jack was like Alex’s drug. As long as he was around, Alex could manage to get through an anxiety attack. Jack was the only one who realized that Alex just needed someone to comfort him during his attacks. A simple hug worked wonders. When Alex had nightmares, Jack was the first to wake up and try to calm him down. Alex would let him crawl into his bunk or he would run to Jack’s bunk and wake him up so he could sleep there. He would let Jack cuddle with him until they both slipped into sleep.

To most people, cuddling with your best friend in bed would be weird. But for Alex and Jack it was normal. They were close to begin with and Alex’s anxiety and nightmares just brought them even closer. Jack was Alex’s grip onto sanity.

Plus, it was a well-known fact that both boys liked each other. Jack had a crush on Alex since they graduated from high school, and Alex had to admit that he kind of liked Jack too. But he wasn’t sure if he could handle dating. He had dated a guy on their second tour and it was a disaster. He hadn’t been able to put up with Alex’s anxiety and made fun of him for it before dumping him.

That’s when Alex began to hate his anxiety and nightmares more than ever. He hated that it took over his life. He hated himself for letting it take over his life. It was just so much easier to cave in than to ask for help. He started to hate himself so much and couldn’t be convinced otherwise. He put on a smile for everyone else, but on the inside he was hurting.

That’s why Alex didn’t want to attempt a relationship with Jack. He didn’t even love himself – how could he ever love Jack? Jack still refused to give up hope though.

It had been four years since that first tour that Alex’s anxiety started on, and it had just gotten worse. They were about to head out on another national tour for the summer and Alex really wasn’t looking forward to it. Sure, while he was on tour it was easier to have Jack comfort him during attacks and nightmares, but it also raised his stress level a lot. But it was worth it because he loved his band so much. He was in it for the music, the fans, and his friends.

And Jack. Mostly for Jack.