When It's Broke It's Perfect

Shivering, I looked at myself in the mirror. My face was so dull and ugly. I was pale and had large shadows under my eyes. My cheeks, as hollow from lack of food as they were, were still far too fat. No wonder Jack kept cheating on me. I wouldn't want me.

I used to think of myself as a funny kind of guy, who people enjoyed to be around, but this illness, it's completely taken control over my life, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I know it might not seem like it, but I really have tried to get better. I've even tried forcing food down my throat, but I can't keep it down.

It doesn't matter how much I try, I'm never getting better, I know that now. I'll be locked up here forever, rotting away while Jack's out with someone better than me. Not just better looking, or with a better personality, but with someone who actually likes themselves. I've burdened that boy for far to long. It wasn't right of me, I was selfish.

Whenever I tried to recover, it was always for Jack, to stop him worrying. I hated making him upset. Sometimes I don't even think he cares, if I start eating again, he doesn't say anything, he doesn't congratulate me, nothing. He doesn't care, and I don't blame him.

Only now did I notice I was crying. I shakily took my shoe off and pulled out my shard of glass from the sole. I slowly turned on the cold tap and removed my shirt, allowing my eyes to drift closed. I ran my fingers down my ribs feeling along the dip between each one of them. I tapped the sticking out bones, smiling at the hollow rattling noise they made. Finally, I made it to my stomach.

I always loved the way it dipped in, I could collect water in in in the bath. Ian kept telling me that was disgusting, one time he threw a sausage at me for bragging about it. Ian. I can't believe I was going to ruin his and Sean's relationship just to get back at Jack. I'm such a coward, and so so selfish.

That's when I made the first cut, right across my stomach. It was long, jagged and deep with rage. I felt the blood flow quickly from my wound and down to my jeans. They soaked it up pretty well, but there was still some splattered on the floor. I didn't care. I made the second and the third thinking about how I had befriended Sean, yet would have so easily went behind his back and had sex with his boyfriend.

The pain was overwhelming, making me double over and land on the sink. The floor was covered in blood now, and the white ceramic tile sink was quickly turning a bright red colour. It kind of looked cheery as the blood swirled around the bowl.

I pushed some water onto my stomach to try and numb the pain a little, but it didn't work very well. At least I had stopped thinking about what a complete monster I was.

Looking down at my wrist, I ran my finger up the long blue vain. Up the lane, not across the road. That's what my dad had told me the last time he visited. Maybe he was right.

Gulping, I pressed the shard down into the base of my wrist, watching the droplets of blood pool at the entry point, then slowly began to pull up towards my elbow. I whimpered from the pain. I was really going to do this. This was what I wanted now.

Not really, this is what everyone else wanted.

I wouldn't be selfish any more.