Better Than Me

The party was over. Everyone had said their goodbyes and parted ways. Andy, Jake, Jeremy, Christian, and Ashley had arrived at the hall where the party was held in Christian's SUV. Now, each guy was leaving with his better half, except Ashley, who had gotten wasted instead of lucky and was being driven home by Skylar and Violet.

Neither Riley nor Andy spoke during the ride to their house. There was so much to say. A simple "I'm sorry" would be terribly inadequate. Riley wanted a long hot shower and some comfortable clothes before they embarked on the quest for reconciliation.

At the back of her mind, she couldn't help picturing Jacob's face when he'd seen Andy. She wondered why it was impossible for her to keep all of her friends happy. Lately, the only thing she seemed able to do was hurt people.

But why should Andy's presence have hurt Jacob? she asked herself. She dismissed the question almost as soon as it formed. She wasn't sure she wanted the answer.

She and Andy made it home and walked inside, silence still hovering over them. Riley quickly mounted the staircase and shut herself in the bathroom. She switched on the shower and shed the costume gratefully.

Stepping under the warm spray, Riley willed her thoughts to vanish. She wanted a moment of peace. Just one. This was an impossibility, however. The words that she knew Andy needed to hear wouldn't stop echoing through her brain.

She eventually ventured out of the sanctity of the shower. She dried her body and squeezed the excess moisture from her hair. She put on a thin black chemise with her Pink Floyd pajama pants. She brushed her hair free of tangles, securing it in a loose ponytail.

She had stalled as long as she could. There was nothing else to do except face up to the situation she'd created.

She reluctantly padded through the door that connected the bathroom and master bedroom. Andy was beside the window, peering through the glass at the night sky. The cigarette in his right hand was burning steadily. Judging by the length of the smoldered ashes, Andy had forgotten the cigarette.

Ghoul was perched on Riley's dresser, his paws tucked under him. The very tip of his tail was twitching and his half-closed eyes were fixed on Andy.

"Where's Joker?" Riley queried, surprised at the puppy's absence. Usually, the puppy was wherever Andy was.

"Eating in the kitchen," Andy muttered. He finally flicked his ashes into the glass tray on the window sill.

Riley sighed softly. "Look, Andy, I'm sorry. I should have told you that we were going to Alabama to see Lynam."

"This goes beyond that, Riley." He stubbed out the cigarette and turned towards her. The worry and confusion in his eyes made her heart ache. "I need to know what's going on. Whatever it is, I'm here for you, baby. I love you and I don't like that you feel you can't talk to me about something."

Riley couldn't meet his gaze. Pain sliced through her skull and she realized she was clenching her jaw. She inhaled deeply and forced herself to relax. "There's nothing wrong," she assured him, managing a smile. "I was being stupid." And the half-lie escaped her mouth before she even really considered it: "I've been obsessing over my age. The class reunion started it. I've been out of high school for ten years." She shook her head ruefully. "It was like a huge sign demanding to know where the time has gone."

"Riley..."

"I know, I know. It's idiotic. But I felt old for the first time ever. And that emphasized how young you are and the difference in our ages."

Andy frowned. "You're not old, baby. You're about to be twenty-eight. Big deal. I'm almost twenty-four. We're barely over four years apart. It's never been an issue before."

"It's never hit me like this before."

That was the truth. Not for the reasons she was giving Andy, though. She wasn't going to bring up their future and the possibility of marriage. She couldn't. That would open an entirely different can of worms. If she just left it alone and let things happen as they were going to happen, everything would be fine.

"Riley, age is nothing but a number," Andy said. "I don't give a damn about the difference, and you shouldn't, either."

"I don't," she said. "Not really. The class reunion caused this. I just freaked out a little at the reminder."

"You should have told me."

Riley laughed, but not like it was funny. "It sounded stupid, even to me. No matter how I tried to convince myself that it wasn't worth being upset over, I couldn't shake it. Then, this week, I watched Cori and she was so excited about her birthday. She didn't care that she was going to be twenty-eight, that another year was gone. The enormity of my foolishness punched me in the face."

"Have you been talking to Jacob about this?" Andy inquired.

It dawned on Riley that this was an explanation Andy could accept. It's not necessarily a lie. Jacob and I have been talking about getting older.

"Yes," Riley replied, ignoring the guilt that faintly twinged in her conscience. "I thought he could better understand what I was feeling because he's at the same stage of his life."

"And that's all there is between the two of you? You're not attracted to him?"

"Of course that's all there is between us, Andy! I've already told you, I have my perfect man. I'm not searching for anyone else."

The tension drained out of Andy's body. There was relief in his eyes and in the smile he flashed her.

Riley suppressed a surge of irritation. Andy obviously hadn't believed her the first two times she'd promised that there was nothing between herself and Jacob. He'd needed the words repeated a third time.

He doesn't trust me, she thought. She had accused him of not trusting her in Minneapolis, but she hadn't meant it. However, she had been right. He no longer trusted her enough to take her words at face value. The worst thing about it was that she'd done nothing to break their trust. Her only lie had been her omission of the plan to visit Lynam in Alabama, and that had been a week ago. He hadn't trusted her for much longer than that. It began with the dinner. That night, Andy formed his suspicions and didn't listen to me when I told him that Jacob was just a friend.

"Riley, baby." Andy was suddenly right in front of her. "I'm glad you decided to open up to me." He placed his hands on her hips and kissed her tenderly. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Riley said automatically.

He doesn't trust me, she repeated to herself. The second I acted the least bit "off," as he puts it, he jumped to the conclusion that I was interested in another man and possibly cheating on him. And even after my insistence that I want only him and that Jacob is nothing more than a friend, he didn't--and still doesn't--believe me.

The knowledge made her feel nauseous.

"I'm only here for one night," Andy was saying, his lips pressing a kiss to a spot just below her ear. "Let's go to bed and I'll show you how much I've missed you."

Numb, Riley did nothing as he lifted her in his arms and carried her to their bed.

**********

Riley awoke the next morning, ate breakfast, dressed, and told Andy she was going out for a while.

"We're leaving at four," he said, kissing her.

"I'll be back by then." She breezed out to her car and set off in the direction of the city. She highlighted Jacob's number while she drove, punching a button to activate the call.

His voice was wary when he answered. "Hey."

"Are you still in town?"

"Yeah."

"I need to see you."

"I'm at the studio."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes." Riley stuck her cell into the holder on her dashboard. She hated doing this instead of using the time to be with Andy, especially in light of her longing for things to be as they were, but she couldn't pretend that Jacob didn't deserve some kind of explanation or apology.

Upon her arrival at the studio, she found Jacob waiting outside. She went over to him and there was a moment of silence.

"Jacob--" Riley started.

"You don't have to explain," he interrupted. "I know what happened last night."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It was a mistake, one that was easy to make."

Riley fidgeted, not knowing what else to say.

"Did you talk to him?" Jacob asked.

"Yes."

"And?"

"Well...I didn't talk to him about everything."

"What'd you talk to him about?"

"That the age difference had been bothering me lately."

"But you didn't tell him why," Jacob guessed.

Riley shook her head. "Not the full reason. I told him the class reunion had caused it by reminding me how old I'm getting, which is true. And that, in turn, reminded me of how young he is..."

"Expressing it that way implied that you're afraid he's going to lose interest in you because of your age."

Knowing Andy as she did, Riley was positive that that was the way he had interpreted her fears. That was why he'd assured her that she wasn't old and claimed that "age is nothing but a number."

"So, you avoided the real issue," Jacob said. "Was I brought up?"

Riley nodded. "He thinks I've been talking to you about the age thing because you're the same age and can understand better than he can."

Jacob sighed, his frustration and disappointment expressed in just that exhalation. "You didn't mention the future and what is next for y'all?"

"No."

"Damn it, Riley! Pretending that the issues aren't there isn't going to make them magically disappear."

"They're gone. I'm taking your advice. I'm not going to overthink my relationship with him. I'm just going to deal with things as they happen. I can't plan for everything, right?"

"You think you can just forget all of your doubts?"

Riley shrugged.

"Riley, if you don't bring everything out into the open, it's going to come back to bite you later. You can pretend it's not there and for now, it might seem that y'all are fine and everything is back to normal. But the doubts and the issues will still be there and the next time y'all fight, they'll come up again. Y'all will be fighting about the new problems and the old ones."

"Andy doesn't even know there is an issue," Riley protested. "He can't fight about something that doesn't even exist for him."

"But you can," Jacob said. "Darlin', you're going to resent him subconsciously. You're already beginning to. Every time you get upset with him, you'll lash out and attack him about this unresolved issue that he wasn't even aware was an issue." Jacob brushed a stray strand of her hair out of her face. "I'm trying to help you. You need to talk to him. Y'all need to work through these issues and your doubts so that there's nothing remaining to poison the relationship."

Riley took a step back, moving beyond his reach. To her, it seemed that Jacob was encouraging her to pick an unnecessary fight with Andy. Her plan was working; she and Andy were well on their way to being perfectly happy again. Why should she bring up her doubts now? They weren't weighing on her mind any longer, and admitting that there were other things there after swearing to Andy it was only the age difference would make Andy feel that she was lying to him again. I'm not going to ruin this. I did what I had to do to protect us. I'm not throwing that away. I'll regain Andy's trust and everything will be fine.

"Jacob," she said as a new thought occurred to her.

"What?"

"Why didn't you stop me last night?"

Jacob shot her a quick look. "Stop you? When?"

"When I dragged you to that back hallway and started kissing you. You knew it was me. You knew I'd mistaken you for Andy." Riley studied his face, suddenly completely devoid of any emotion. "Why didn't you tell me right away that it was you?"

"Cori had told me that the guys wouldn't be there," Jacob said. "At first, I thought you knew it was me."

"But once you realized that I believed you to be Andy?"

"I didn't realize until you..."

Riley regarded him curiously. "Until I what?"

"Until you touched me." He sounded mildly embarrassed. "I could convince myself that you would kiss me, but I knew you wouldn't just randomly grope me."

Riley blushed. Hearing it phrased that way caused it to sound much worse than she'd recalled it to be. "That gave it away, yet you let me continue," she insisted. "Why?"

He couldn't meet her eyes. "When was I ever going to get another chance?"

"But..." Riley was having trouble comprehending what she was hearing. "But we're just friends, Jacob. It's not like that with us." She was repeating what she'd said to Andy as if she now had to make Jacob believe it.

"I'm sorry, Riley. I would never try to sabotage your relationship. Every piece of advice I've given you has been sincere. I am trying to help you."

"Andy was right."

"No! He wasn't. I'm not 'seducing' you. But I can't control how I feel." Jacob's beautiful blue eyes were pleading for her to understand. "I'm sorry I took advantage of your mistake."

"I've got to go," Riley said. She was in a state of shock. Andy didn't trust her and Jacob was attracted to her and nothing was the way it was supposed to be. "It's probably best if you don't contact me."

"Okay."

"No Facebook messages, no texts, and I don't want to know when you're in L.A."

Jacob nodded glumly.

"I'm sorry," Riley whispered, startled to feel her eyes burning with tears. "I want to fix things with Andy, and I don't think I can do that and hang out with you, knowing how you feel. It's not right. I'd be betraying Andy, who saw the attraction that I missed...or maybe just ignored."

"Don't let this ruin your friendship with Cody and David," Jacob urged. "Please. They're so thrilled to have you and Cori in their lives."

"I won't." Riley hesitated, then gave Jacob a brief hug. "Bye."

"Bye, darlin'."

Riley strode to her car without looking back.