Dormant Senses

Alex sat at the dinner table with his family that night. He watched as his father and brother chatted about an upcoming hunting trip and his mother just barely glanced up between the pair. How could all of this be happening when Alex was literally on the verge of a breakdown? Alex didn’t touch anything on his plate. He just watched as his father continued to talk with bits of his dinner flying out of his mouth every once and awhile and his brother laughing at his father’s stupid remarks. He glanced at his mother who was simply eating the dinner in peace. The corner of his mouth twitched whenever he looked at that woman. She literally stuck through all this shit with this disgrace of a man to not disappoint her mom or her children. She was strong and so very kind and there was a slight glimmer in her eyes that showed she was proud of her children. She was everything Alex wasn’t or ever will be to his future children or anyone for that matter. He looked away and glanced back down at his meal. Nothing moved from where his mother placed everything. He really wasn’t hungry nor will he ever be. His empty, selfish heart will feed his black soul.
‘Clean this up bitch.’ Alex looked up to see his father getting up. As he walked by his mother, he whammed her in the back of the head and Alex had to clench his eyes and fists shut to control the outburst he wanted to start but didn’t have the power to fight back. Once he opened them again, his mother was up and about cleaning the remains of the trash that was scattered around the table. She was silently crying and Alex’s heart broke even more than it already was. Alex got up from his seat and walked toward the kitchen with his full plate.
‘Oh honey, why didn’t you touch your food?’ Alex shrugged and dumped the remnants of his food in the trash.
‘Are you okay Alexander?’ His mother asked over the sound of the rushing faucet water hitting the plate.
‘I just want you to know I love you. And I want you to go on with life if something ever happened to Daniel or I, okay?’
‘Honey where is this all comi-‘
‘Mom, promise me please?’ Alex quickly said.
‘I promise sweetheart.’ She smiled and held out her arms and Alex fell helplessly into them, hoping her strength rubbed off on him.

‘We’re leaving Alexander.’ Alex groaned in his sleep and turned to look at his mom who was seated at the edge of his bed smiling at him sweetly.
‘Is it really Sunday?’
‘Yes, now come say goodbye.’ Alex got up and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. He stumbled downstairs behind his mom.
‘Hurry up Isobel; we’re going to be late.’ His mom nodded and turned around to Alex.
‘I love you so much Alexander. Be safe, yeah?’ Alex only nodded and watched his father, brother, and mother enter the car and drive off. Alex sighed, closed the door and just stood. He didn’t know what to do. It was awfully quiet in this damn, forsaken house. The walls in Alex were slowly closing in on him. He needed a distraction quickly. He ran to the bathroom and reached for his metallic friend. He quickly pulled up his shirt and pressed hard on his pale skin.
A sigh of satisfaction escaped his lips as he made eight red marks along his side. The eight months represented what he was to Jack the entire time they were dating. Eight months of Jack picking a mistake to date, to even give the time of day too. Jack. Alex didn’t hesitate as he pushed harder on his skin with the metallic frenemy. This mark was for Jack. This represented what Jack was to him. Although Jack never hurt him as much physically and verbally, Jack hurt him by loving such a damaged person. Instead of spending his eight months with someone who was worth a single fuck, Jack decided to love this fragile, pale, excuse of a human being. It utterly amazed Alex how much this perfect man, because Jack was far from boy, loved and admired him so. Jack, like Zack said, would die for him. It terrified Alex to be honest. He loved Jack with all his heart and he knew, well at first, he would die for him if it wasn’t for his father threatening him that Jack would get hurt if he didn’t cut it off. So Alex did as told and ruined the most perfect thing in his life naturally.
Alex leaned back against the cold bathroom wall, looking at himself in the mirror. He’d been losing weight considerably recently and it started to show on his face. His cheekbones were practically protruding through the skin and his eyes were fashioned with black on the rims. He looked and felt like the walking dead. Alex grabbed the blood-dried towel and cleaned up the mess that was on his side. It burned as he wiped away the blood from his fresh scars. He hated how his cuts were slowing climbing up and up his body. He sighed and put down his shirt, the blood already starting to stain but Alex didn’t care. He was numb now – the best feeling in the world.
He walked out the bathroom and slowly made his way up the stairs to his room. Alex sat down at his desk and just stared at the wall in front of him. The eerie quiet slowly started to creep on him but he allowed the presence. He welcomed it like an old friend and indeed, the quiet was an old friend of Alex.

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After about three hours just driving himself insane with the quietness, Alex got up and changed into fresh clothes. He made his way downstairs and grabbed the trench coat he owned that was hanging by the door. He slipped into it and walked out the house, wanting to run away from his thoughts for a bit.
He walked all the way to downtown Baltimore which surprisingly wasn’t far and only was a forty-five minute walk. He spotted a coffeshop right at the corner of Thames St. and South Broadway that looked fairly decent. As he made his way down the street, it started to drizzle a bit and Alex groaned. As he neared the coffeeshop, he spotted a familiar patch of blonde hair already sitting at the corner of the shop. He smiled as he came closer and closer. That small smile soon faded completely when a rather thin girl approached Jack with two cups of coffee in her hands. Her brunette hair flowed just a bit as Jack, Alex assumed, made a joke and she laughed. Alex slowly turned around and walked away. He couldn’t bear seeing the love of his life with someone else. It hurt to be honest.
The rain started pouring harder and Alex just wandered down the street. He passed tons of record shops and other eating places. All these cheery people were making Alex nauseous so he cut through an alleyway. On his right was a bonds place and on his left, a certain shop caught Alex’s eye. He stood for a bit, already drenched in the rain before deciding to go in the shop. He walked in, feeling not out of place like he normally would. Everywhere he looked, there were bigger and smaller ones. He didn’t know how much exactly were in the store but Alex would take a wild guess and say over a thousand. The cashier approached Alex and asked him a few questions which Alex responded with only a few “hmphs” and nods of the head.
Thirty minutes later, Alex was out the door and on his way home with a purchased item in his hand.

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Alex sat at his kitchen table, tears streaming down his face as a paper and pen lied in front of him, his perfect handwriting scrawled the sheets. He was still in his drenched clothes and trench coat and the thunders outside only comforted him a bit. Alex ran a shaky hand through his matted, golden-brown hair. He had to. He had to do it. There was no other choice. Jack found someone; he was nothing but a burden to his father and brother. All he did was make his mother said and feel sympathy towards him whenever Alex was upset. Alex was just sick of being such a life ruiner to everyone. He was done being the disappointment to all. He was gonna do it. Believe me, he is gonna do it.
Alex grabbed the purchased item out of the bag and held it in his hand. It was loaded and ready to be used. Alex’s shaky hands were beginning to fail on him but he refused to be weak. These were his last moments and he wasn’t gonna fuck this up too. Alex never stopped crying as he made the tip of the item be enclosed around his lips. On the count of three all of this would be over. Alex squeezed his eyes shut and slowly began his count.
One… Two… Three… The exploding ripple feeling shot through Alex’s mouth and out the back of his head. Alex’s limp head fell hard against the kitchen table and the gun lay limp in his hand. The family portrait that was in the kitchen was now decorated with blood and Alex’s brain. A perfect human gone to waste by the sad life he led.
Everyone was finally rid of this heavy load and Alex was finally free from this chapter. No worries, just peace and serenity for this wounded soul.