The Girl in the Window

With my mama out on weekends, being there with Jim was hell. I did everything in my power to keep away from him when my mama was out. That day I sat outside on the porch despite the chilly weather. My neighbor Mr. Daniels was sitting there also. He was reading a book. It was no wonder he lived there, he didn’t seem to do anything. Everyday he would sit on the porch and do little to nothing while there. Sometimes I wondered if he was just there to listen to his wind chimes. It was all I could hear outside that day. The weather was getting cold so the birds were flying south. The bugs were dying off. Bacteria and viruses were looking for bodies. People in the hood were never outside during these times of the year but somehow he was, and I was too.

“Hey!” It was such impulse that I couldn’t believe I was doing it. He looked up at me, then looked around. “I’m talking to you Mr.…”

“Daniels, Mr. Daniels.” I hated his voice. It sounded safe guarded.

“What you readin’, Mr. Daniels?”

“A novel.”

“What’s it about?”

“How ‘bout you come over here instead of yelling across the street? You can just stand in my driveway.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well then…”

“Can you tell me?”

“It’s about a girl.”

“What about the girl?”

“She’s a girl that looks out a window everyday because she’s lost.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s alone.”

“So what does she do?”

“She finds herself wondering. Then she wonders into trouble.”

“What happens at the end?”

“Haven’t got there yet.”

“Then I’ll ask you when you’re done.”

“Alright then.” There was no point in me staying outside because I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and I was cold.

As soon as I got into my house I wanted out. Trae and Ebony were in their rooms playing and Jim was missing in action. I assumed he was probably in my mama’s room sleeping or watching TV. I went to my room for safe keeping. Then a thought occurred to me. There was no way I was going to let some nigga live with me, scaring me out of my house. So I set myself up. Purposely I marched up the stairs making it obvious that I was coming up. I heard my mama’s TV turn down so Jim could listen in. He called my mama’s name.

“Nah,” I answered. That was enough for him to know it was me. Once I got to my room, my heart sky rocketed. All I could do was hope for the first time ever that he would bother me. My mama wasn’t due back for another two hours and judging by the empty beer bottles, Jim was buzzed. Kept my phone accessible for when the time was right. After some time, I decided to write how I felt.

That’s my heart drumming

‘cause I know he’s comin’

Keep my ears open

‘cause I know he’s comin’

How I wish it wouldn’t have to be

A reality to ugly

But there’s little to no luck for me

So he’s comin’

Just after I wrote that verse I heard him coming down the hall. I quickly turned my phone camcorder on and put it in my empty pencil holder so it would face my direction. As usual he just let himself in because he knew damn well that I wasn’t going to let him in.

“What the fuck do you want now?” I asked.

“You know what da fuck I want,” he said closing my door behind him. “Okay I tried to be nice about it but now I ain’t playin’.”

“Nigga what’s wrong wit’ you? My mama ain’t fuckin’ you right or something?”

“Nah, it ain’t ‘bout dat. Heard bought you. I wanna see what you got.”

“I don’t know what da fuck you talkin’ ‘bout. You a grown ass man. I’m sixteen years old. You’re fuckin’ old enough to be my dad.”

“You cuss too damn much.”

“Nigga, I cuss you to hell. Don’t you know dat when a girl says no, she means no? The fuck’s wrong wit’ you?”

“Das why I’m beggin’ you.” Then he had the audacity to sit next to me on my bed. His fat ass sunk the bed in making me fall towards him. I quickly moved over.

“The answer remains no,” I said.

“Come on. You be givin’ it away freely anyway.” Then he grabbed hold of my waist, trying to bury his face into my chest.

“Get the fuck off me,” I almost yelled. I tried pushing him away but he was too strong. That’s when I started to get scared. What if my plan went too far? I thought. He pushed me until I was on my back then tried to get on top of me. But I was kicking freely, not caring about what I hit.

“Get off!” I screamed. Then he started getting aggressive. He started holding my arms down but he couldn’t get me to stop kicking. To my savior, my room door flew open and Trae followed by Ebony was at my door.

“Get of my sisah!” Trae yelled. Ebony, being young, naïve and scared, started crying.

“Get out!” Jim scolded. But Trae wasn’t going to listen. He ran up to Jim and started hitting him. Although his childish abuse was nothing to Jim, it was a distraction so I took the opportunity to kick him in the nuts. He groaned in pain and hit the floor. But I was already angry so I kept kicking him in the back. He kept rolling over in pain so I kicked him in the stomach. Then he tried to crawl away. Ebony ran with fear into my room, away from Jim. I literally kicked him out the door. Trae and Ebony ran to me crying in fear so I kneeled to their level to hug them. I was upset that they saw that but relieved at the same time.

“Why was Jim doin’ dat to you, Shade?” Trae asked.

“Because Jim’s a bad person.”

“I’m tellin’ mommy when she get home.”

“Lemme tell her first, den you can help me.”

“Mkay.”

Trae and Ebony stayed in my room until our mama came home. I made sure to check my phone to see if it had recorded. Jim, being the bitch nigga he was, fleeted from the house, going full speed to nowhere (probably his questionable baby mama’s house) and didn’t come back. When our mama came into the house, Trae and Ebony scurried like rats down the stares.

“Mommy, mommy!” Trae exclaimed. I quickly followed them down the stairs.

“What is it, baby?” My mama asked worried, hearing trouble in his voice. “Where’s Jim?”

“He left mommy. Something bad happened.” Trae turned towards me, waiting for my cue.

“What happened…, Shade?” She turned towards me.

“Trae, Ebony, go away for a second,” I said. Trae reluctantly left and Ebony followed. He took her hand and led her up the stairs. When they were out of sight and I could hear their room door close, I approached my mama. The heat I felt caused me to break a sweat as my hand got clammy.

“Mommy, I gotta show you somethin’.” I walked into the kitchen and sat on the table chair. I insisted that my mama sat also, and she did.

“You still wanna know what I hate Jim?”

“Yes, why?” she asked sternly. I slid my phone over to her and told her to play the clip. She watched it from beginning to end and with each second, my heart got louder as her face became more horrifying. It was like she couldn’t believe her eyes and ears. After it was done, she replayed it and stopped after him saying ‘You know what da fuck I want.’ She played it over and over to clarify that she heard correctly. Then her face was crazed.

“Oh my god.” She pulled her hair back as if attempting to rip it out. “I can’t believe this!” She threw what she just bought across the room, crashing on the floor. I tried not to get emotional. I hated seeing my mama upset. It reminded me of how she was when my dad died. She stood in a corner in the kitchen crying.

“Why didn’t you tell me this, Shade?” she yelled. For some reason that question alone had me bawling.

“I knew you wouldn’t believe me unless I showed you.” She shook her head, squeezing her face.

“Where the fuck is Jim?”

“I don’t know…”

“Where the fuck is Jim?”

“I don’t know!”

“Alright.” She marched out the kitchen and upstairs. I sat there listening to all the ruckus she was making. She then came down stairs with an armful of Jim’s belongings and threw them outside. She was determined to get everything of his out of the house, right down to his hair follicles. Although I was sad to see her like that, I was happy she was putting Jim out at the same time.

She got everything out of the house that was his within minutes. After she was done, she stared at me until my skin crawled. What does she want? I thought.

“What was Jim talkin’ ‘bout when he said he heard ‘bout you and somethin’ ‘bout you giving it out freely anyway?” I got nervous.

“Jim’s a liar,” I lied.

“I don’t know, Shade. I been wonderin’ ‘bout you from time to time. You leave da house all da time and you don’t come back ‘til much later.”

“I don’t leave the house for no reason.”

“Yeah, and I wanna know why you do.”

“You have more to do wit’ it than you know.”

“Don’t gimme dat bullshit, Shade.”

“It ain’t no bullshit. But it don’t matter dough, you’re never wrong.”

“Shade, where are you always goin’ when you leave?” She asked sternly.

“Places.” She walked up to me, even more upset.

“Look girl, don’t be gettin’ smart wit’ me. I asked you a fuckin’ question.”

“I gave you an answer.” She was getting ready to hit me before I jumped up from my seat. She was frightened for a second. I was unwilling to sit there and take her unnecessary abuse. I made my way to the door but she beat me there blocking it.

“You ain’t goin’ no where!”

“What now? It ain’t like you want me here anyway. All you gon’ do is scold the fuck out of me like I tried to fuck Jim.” Her favorite thing to do was slap me but it always gave the worst results. My natural reflex was to hit her back. She guarded her face, but my hands never touched her. I couldn’t hit my mama. Instead I went for the back door. She let me go that time, knowing that if she pushed me anymore the whole house would be razed.

As much as I didn’t like being a burden to Amara, I wanted to share the news with her and she knew how to cheer me up. Although I was upset at the moment, internally I was elated with Jim’s final departure. I hated him from day one. All the disgusting looks he gave me when my mama wasn’t looking or around. It just made me so sick. Looking at his shit in the driveway was gratifying. No more Jim! I could have done a cheer.

Amara was chilling at home with her mama. Her mama gave me something to drink and held small talk before I went to Amara’s room. I automatically sat on her bed and she sat next to me.

“So what is it now?” she asked.

“I finally told my mama ‘bout Jim.” Her eyes got wide.

“You did? What happened?”

“Well, I set him up. I put my phone camera on and waited for him to come into my room. Then he tried to rape me. I got scared but I was saved by my lil’ brother Trae. Then I showed her.”

“Oh my goodness, what did she say?”

“She was like ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ and I said it was ‘cause I didn’t think she would believe me. Then she threw all his shit out da house. But then she tried to put dat shit on me talkin’ ‘bout what Jim meant when he said he heard ‘bout me and wantin’ to see what I got, den she was askin’ me ‘bout what I be doin’ when I leave the house. Basically she wanted me to admit that I fuck around but I jus’ tried to leave. Den she slapped me so I got real mad and left out the back door.

“I hate how she always gotta criminalize me and make somethin’ my fault. She’s just a miserable woman, making my life even more miserable.”

“Why is your mom like dat? From the sounds of it, she is a money chaser and a bad mom.” I sighed.

“She wasn’t always like that. It’s just she’s trying to forget that I’m her daughter and my dad was real.”

“So she is upset about your dad?”

“Yes, that and some more shit. My mom used to be so nice and loving to me like I was the most important person in the world. Now she treats me like a third leg or something. I just want her to be nice to me again.” My voice sounded almost childlike on the last sentence. Amara cooed and hugged me like she was trying to supplement the lack of love from my mama. I hugged her back briefly.

“Does your mama know you’re bi?” I asked after we hugged. She chuckled.

“Yeah. She is okay with it. My mama is so accepting that it is ridiculous. Mosi knows too. He makes fun and says I’m becoming more American, but he’s only kidding.”

“I’ve never met a bi African.”

“Ha, me neither.”

“You’re one of a kind.” I stood up and walked to her window to look out of it. “You know, before I met you my mama tol’ me dat new neighbors moved in this three houses down,” I said, looking at where I once stood. “I didn’t care until I thought dat Sasha was the one who moved in and I was interested in her so I came here one day like a creeper and looked into your window.” I laughed. “I did it twice. So I guess that’s somethin’ I can halfway thank my mama for, even though she had little to do with it.”

“What did you see?” she asked standing in-front of me.

“Just your silhouette.” She laughed.

“I was wonderin’ what that was. I thought I saw you one day but I figured I was seeing things. It’s okay though.” She wrapped her arms around my waist, letting them rest against my hips.

“Why don’t you put any curtains up? Anyone can see right through your cheap blinds.” She chuckled.

“I got nothin’ to hide. If you think it’s true, then it might be. If it’s not true then who cares. I know what’s true.” I smiled, still staring out the window. I moved her arms.

“Sorry, I’m a horny ass nigga who falls easily to opportunities for sex.” She laughed. “But it’s hard for me to get into that mindset.”

“Well, once you stop caring, it makes things easier.”

“I’ve been workin’ on it.”

“Shade, tell me, what makes you happy?”

“You make me happy,” I said matter-of-factly, smiling at her.

“Not a person. What makes you happy?” I looked around her room, thinking.

“Hope.”

“Be specific.”

“Hope that one day I can be what nobody else thinks I can be…”

“Go on.”

“Hope that my life gets better. Hope that I stop fighting myself. Without hope, I’m nobody. I mean, my life is worthless.

“Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?” She looked away as if ashamed. “Guess I’ve been doing all the talkin’, and you’ve been burying your pain.” She walked to the bed and sat on the edge of her bed. Her shoulders slouched like a wilted rose.

“Amara…?” I said softly.

“I’m not perfect. When I moved to America, life was hell. People would talk bad about me all the time because I’m dark and because of my accent. They talked about the way I dressed, my hair, everything. It was like they were insulted that I was kinda pretty when their ideas of beauty were far away from me. It was mostly the girls. They were so awful.

“I never told my mama ‘cause I didn’t want her to feel bad about moving us to America, especially since going back was irrational. Nobody ever said anything nice about me.

“And then Gerchum died it killed me ‘cause he was one of the only people who said I was beautiful, so I felt special. But he was gone so, I just felt like life did not matter for me. Nobody liked or cared about me other than my small family. You see I have no ties to anyone else.” She turned to look at me. Her eyes were wet. My heart moved.

“But Amara, you’re beautiful.”

“Nobody else seems to think so.”

“You gotta know it without doubt.” I walked up to her. Her scarring was just out there. I couldn’t help but touch it. I always wanted to. They were soft to the touch, softer than her skin. They were like baby skin soft, or small folded lips.

“I mean, here, you are original. It’s so beautiful. Even your hair.” I touched her hair which was also soft. Kind of like curled silk threads. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and sat on my knees behind her.

“You know, unless you do not want me anymore, I got you,” she said. I smiled.

“I got you too.” She turned her head towards me to give me a quick kiss. We talked a while longer before I was ready to go home.

As soon as I got home my mama began drilling me with questions. I ignored her almost the whole time, but she was persistent.

“Where were you Shade, huh? What were you doing?” She followed me all the way to my room with a string of questions. “Answer me Shade.” I lied down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. “Where were you at?” She sat on the edge of my bed.

“Can you please leave?” I asked.

“Girl!” she snapped then she quickly calmed down. “Look, Shade.” She sighed. Her voice was calmer. “I just want to know Shade… are you havin’ sex?” It was like the question burned her to ask. I sighed and turned away from her. “Shade, it’s okay to tell me. I jus’ wanna make sure you’re bein’ safe. I wish you could’ve told me though…” She sounded disappointed in herself.

“I was at Amara’s house,” I finally answered.

“Are you, Shade?”

“It doesn’t matter to you anyway.”

“Yes it does, Shade!”

“You know the answer to that question.”

“Are you bein’ safe?”

“Maybe.” She sighed in anger. Anger at me and herself. Then I felt my bed slightly shake. I looked at her to see her shoulders trembling. She was crying. It wasn’t the crying about Jim crying either. It was more pain in it than that.

“This is all my fault,” she barely said. My heart sunk anytime my mama cried like that. Naturally, I wanted to sooth her.

“It’s not your fault,” I said quietly. That wasn’t entirely true and to be honest, she was responsible for most of my sex problems. But for the sake of her not crying it could have been true.

“How many people has it been?”

“Only two.” For the sake of her not crying.

“That boy you talk to a lot? He’s name is like, Donye or something?”

“Wanya.”

“Who else?”

“This guy named Darnell. That’s it, mommy.” That calmed her down a little.

“Are you usin’ protection? Birth control doesn’t keep STD’s away.”

“Yes.” Still not entirely true. She was still slightly upset.

“How old were you when you started?” That question was a sensitive topic for me and I wasn’t prepared to tell anyone the whole story I knew she would ask for, especially not to her.

“Mommy… I don’t want to talk about dis anymore.” She sighed.

“I can’t believe this is happenin’. I gotta beg for my job back or find better work. I’m just so tired of this. Dis neighborhood, dese people. I feel so alone.”

“Is dis what you do to Jim?”

“What?”

“Complain,”

“What’s wrong with you, Shade? Why don’t you ever want me around? All the things I do for you. I pay the rent, I feed you—”

“Since when? Las’ time I checked all dem otha niggas you bring ‘round here been doin’ dat shit.” She slapped me on the thigh. “Why the – why you always gotta hit me for?”

“‘Cause of your mouth.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“Dat’s not true.” She started getting loud. “Don’t you be walkin’ round hear actin’ like I don’t do shit for you.”

“Can you just leave?”

“Dis my house, you don’t tell me to leave!” At that point I stopped talking to her. She was upset and not thinking rationally. My dad always said that I had her temper. I never wanted to believe it, especially seeing her then, but I knew for sure I had it. “I needa called Nana Fox.” I almost jumped out of bed after hearing that.

“Why?” I asked sitting up towards her.

“You gon’ get a job and pay da bills?” It was a rhetorical question. “Nah, you gon’ keep yo’ ass in school so you don’t gotta be in dis fucked up predicament.” Nana Fox. What was there to say about her? She was a bitter, bickering old lady who wasn’t wanted in anyone’s life unless it was for money. To all in our family she was a gold mine. And by the way she talked one would think she was one foot into heaven while everyone else was condemned to hell. And she was called Nana Fox for a reason, having ice grey eyes and cinnamon red skin. In her world, nothing was right and nobody was good enough for her.

“Or do you want me to find anotha man?” Another rhetorical question. I wasn’t trying to weigh the possibilities that the next wouldn’t be rotten. My mama made poor choices in choosing men.

“Nah.” I lied back down on my back.

“Okay then, Nana Fox it is.”

“You gon’ bring her all the way here from Nevis?”

“Yeah. She doesn’t have anything else better to do. Plus she gettin’ old. I’m sure she wants to see her grand neice before she turns.” I sighed. Nana Fox was the last person I wanted to see. She was the one who took my mama in when my grandma died. All this took place before I was born. Only once in my life did I live with her. It was when my dad got locked up. Mama was looking for a better job to provide for me and busy trying to appeal my dad’s case so she had Nana Fox fly from the Caribbean to care for me. All of this took place when I was ten. Even then she drove me crazy and being the way I was at ten compared to sixteen, she would make me lose my sanity.

Like a fool, Jim came back the next day cussing outside. He happened to be picking his belongings up when I walked out. I didn’t know he came back. I was just stepping out to get some fresh air. As soon as he saw me, he grabbed an armful of stuff and tried to leave. But he wasn’t slick enough for my mama. She marched out the house nearly knocking me over in the processes and stepped towards him. As soon as he saw her, he just stopped. He didn’t know what to do.

“Where the fuck were you, huh Jim?” she scolded him. She stood sternly in front of him with her arms crossed. She was irate. “You a real bitch nigga to just flea when you get caught. So where the fuck you go, huh?”

“Look, I’m just tryna get my shit and leave,” he said.

“Oh, now you wanna go. Why the fuck was you goin’ after my daughter? My sixteen fuckin’ year old daughter!”

“Your daughter is a liar.”

“Don’t you fuckin’ lie to me!” My mama walked up to me. “Gimme your phone.” I gave her my phone. She showed Jim the video. “You gon’ tell me dat ain’t you? Is that not you?” He looked at me, upset.

“Sly ass bitch,” he said to me.

“Don’t you call my daughter a bitch!” She gave me back my phone then started throwing his shit around, damaging and breaking it in the processes.

“I can get you arrested for dis shit! Leave, just leave right now!” He didn’t even bother to pick his stuff up. I smiled as he was getting in his car and he saw me. He sped off, not looking forward to a court case. I felt so relieved with him being gone. But my mama was still fuming.

“Come inside, Shade.” I didn’t want to go in, but she was already upset. The rest of the day I stayed in my room and wrote shit. My emotions were a mix of every feeling. Later in the evening she came to my room. She was still upset.

“I’ma make dis brief ‘cause I know you don’t want me around, but I don’t know if you can do basketball anymore.” My insides turned.

“Why?”

“Can’t afford gas money. As you know, I’m unemployed.”

“But mommy…” A knot in my throat caused me to whine.

“Look, Shade, unless you can find a ride everyday, we can’t do it.” I looked down. Basketball was something to keep me occupied and out of trouble. Without it I was Shade the freak, Shade the mommy, or worse case scenario, Shade the girl with the STD. And if it got bad enough, I would be thirteen year old Shade again, the one who’d find prescription pills and drug herself up so she couldn’t feel anything when she was fucking. Just a paralyzed zombie, always in a living limbo. And without the pills she was bloody writs and irritating bracelets to keep questions at bay; only on really bad days. The one with behavioral problems and outbursts of anger that would be sent to the school’s therapist, but, she would never confess.

“Okay,” I said. A tear relieved my eye from blindness and fell on my hand. My mama didn’t say anything for a while.

“Maybe you can get that girl who brought you home one day to take you,” she suggested, trying to make me feel better.

“I’ll try.”

“Okay.” She patted my leg and left. I lied down thinking about my life three years ago. It was painful. My tears fell down the side of my face, wetting my ears. I tried hard not to think of those times. I tried so hard.